I feel like a selfish friend. WWGPD? (long)

OceanBreeze1 · January 2010

A very, very good friend of mine got KU her first month trying in August. While I am extremely excited for her, I am also upset because I feel like her texts lately are all baby-related, and she won't ever call me back just to chat. I know she is throwing in little stuff about me, it feels like it's just a random thing and she never wants to have conversations

These are the texts I have received the past 10 days:

1: A picture of her ultrasound. 2: A text asking how my vacation is going, no reply to my reply. 3: "I am pretty sure I felt the baby move this morning!" 4. A Happy NYE text, no reply to my reply with question. 5. "OMG, the baby is doing crazy somersaults!"

She graduated from college last month, and her celebration dinner was full of baby talk (we were sitting between her and two other PG ladies). That was *right* after DH and I learned about his 0% morph, so we were very quiet.

Turns out she asked DH if I was mad at her (she's a VERY emotional and sensitive person) and he said no, and gave a 5-second overview of our situation. I called her a couple days later to make sure she knew I wasn't upset about her being PG or anything, just that we are having a rough time. We talked for a couple minutes (I gave her a very condensed version) and she was great, but that's been it.

Since then, she hasn't once asked about how we are doing, what steps we're taking or what hope there is for us or anything. I don't expect her to understand things IF-related, but she normally is a very thoughtful and caring friend.

I know I sound whiny, but I don't know what I should do. I don't want to tell her that it makes me upset because she will take it the wrong way -- and I don't want her to think I don't want to hear about her pregnancy at all. I know I could just try to call her and talk about what's going on with us ... I guess I will. I suppose I just want her to ask about me!

So how can I gently throw in that it bothers me to open up her texts to see u/s pics when I feel like she doesn't care about what's going on with me? Or do I just need to suck it up? Be honest!

Thanks!

Ya Never Know · January 2010

You're texts just summarized the email I got from my friend this morning. (who is also pg)

I personally have just been sucking all the crap she's been sending me up, and writing off everything that she does that pisses me off as pregnancy brain.

It's annoying as hell. She's 6 1/2 mths along... all we ever talk about is her pg. I'm just too tired to care.

PinkLove-S · January 2010

She sounds like my SIL and MIL. That is ALL.THEY.TALK.ABOUT. It does get old after a while but i just don't think i am going to say anything because i would hate to rain on their parade. It seems as though they think that is all anyone wants to talk about. I always end up walking away but maybe you could just keep trying to change the subject to something else? Sorry you are going through this but it is tough, it makes me feel as though they think the whole world should revolve around the baby because theirs does... Sigh.

JamieAndJoe · January 2010

I don't think you sound selfish at all. I do think that since she did get pregnant easily, she probably doesn't understand everything you are going through, and may not know how to respond. It will probably take you really explaining everything you've gone through and the next steps in your process for her to fully understand.

After that is out on the table, she will probably cut back on the baby related texts. Hopefully you two can work it out!

OceanBreeze1 · January 2010

Thanks, ladies. It helps to know I'm not the only one. I'm just so hopeless lately and would really like to lean on her, but at the same time I don't want to feel like I'm begging her to care -- if that makes any sense.

JennyV0418 · January 2010

If she really is a good friend you should tell her the truth. Don't make it seem like your not happy for her, though. Just be honest and tell her that due to your TTC issues, only hearing about the baby from her and thats it is really bothering you. If she's a true friend, she should understand and tone it down a little. Some people just need it spelled out for them.

Nicole0012 · January 2010

Definitely things to think about when we all get pregnant! What not to do.

I don't think you seem like a selfish friend. A lot of it is probably things you know you're thinking but aren't saying aloud. As long as they stay in your head, I think you're good

chuleysnackety · January 2010

It does sound like she is a litle insensitive, althought its her first so you know everything she experiences is a first so she wants to share.. there is nothing you can do about how she behaves, so I would recommend trying to change how you feel about it.. I KNOW how hard it is.. believe me.. but try your hardest to be genuinley happy for her and it will get easier..I was just feeling this way this morning, with my temp drop,but I have to STOP myself, count my blessings and be positive even if it kills me.. Good luck..

JennyV0418 · January 2010

*OceanBreeze*:
Thanks, ladies. It helps to know I'm not the only one. I'm just so hopeless lately and would really like to lean on her, but at the same time I don't want to feel like I'm begging her to care -- if that makes any sense.

I think if you really spell it out she'll care. Some people just don't understand the difficulty of having trouble TTC, because they have never gone through it themselves.

Jill070707 · January 2010

I think it's difficult for anyone with TTTC to be constantly bombarded by pregnancy talk. My best friend is pregnant and due this month, so I totally hear you on that. She doesn't understand what it's like to not be able to think about getting pregnant and "bam!" there it is.

But I am happy for her and don't want her to feel she can't come to me with things that are going on in her life - even if it hurts me a bit. I like to think that's me being a good friend to her. Our friendship is really one-sided now with pregnancy taking up all of her attention, but I know she'll be a great friend and resource to me when I get pregnant.

So I'm in the "suck it up," camp, but in the nicest possible way. I do know how you feel, though - and I'm giving the advice to myself, too. Think of how great it will be to have her when you get pregnant! Be there for her and it will come back to you, and not dwelling on your troubles feels good in the long run.

k-mart · January 2010

I think some people do get wrapped up in their own lives and don't take the time to understand what others might be going through. You may just have to explain to her what you are going through and what you need form her. Most likley it's just that she doesn't know what to do or say. Don't hold it in and resent her until you have given her all the information she needs, and see what she does after that.

rlscheck · January 2010

You are not being selfish. Just explain to her what you have said here. She's obviously really excited about her pregnancy, and after hearing about what you are going through is feeling really bad and isn't quite sure what she is supposed to do. Maybe she's a little uncomfortable asking about it because you didn't bring your situation up to her, your DH did. Sometimes the only way people know how to do deal with a situation is by ignoring it. I think you guys just need to have a talk.

OceanBreeze1 · January 2010

Jill070707:

But I am happy for her and don't want her to feel she can't come to me with things that are going on in her life - even if it hurts me a bit. I like to think that's me being a good friend to her. Our friendship is really one-sided now with pregnancy taking up all of her attention, but I know she'll be a great friend and resource to me when I get pregnant.

This is exactly how I'm feeling. I'm going to make an effort to not pull away when she's sharing all her news with me (by 'pull away' I mean not being as willing to call her and share what's going on with me).

Good points -- she doesn't know how I'm feeling and what's going on with me unless I tell her! Thanks, I needed this.

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