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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
A SAHM debate
The scenario:
You are a working mom but your desire is to be a SAHM but your finances are just not in line for you to be able to do that. Then, your DH/SO loses his job so you SAH becomes out of the question. Then, your DH/SO is offered a well paying job out of state. You are fine with moving but you really want to SAH now because the move will cause you to lose your job. Luckily, the job pays well enough to afford you the opportunity to be a SAHM. All seems right with the world
The dilemma:
A few months pass and your DH/SO tells you that he is not completely satisfied with you just being a SAHM. He would rather you work. Your finances are in order, bills are paid every month, you have spare money to eat out, buy your LO toys, go to movies, etc. So money is not the issue. His only reasoning is the family could have MORE if you work. You believe the real reason is that he just thinks you SHOULD be working (his mother worked, your mother worked) so you think he just does not truly value SAHMs.
So....
Do you try to find a job to make him happy but in turn makes you unhappy and resentful or continue to SAH knowing that your DH/SO is not completely on board with it.
WWYD??
(And I am not going to insult your intelligence. This is from a personal experience. I just want to know your thoughts on the situation. Get some outside perspective.)
Aiden 6-17-2008
Baby #2 due December 22, 2011
This discussion has been closed.
Re: A SAHM debate
I would say try and compromise with one another. See if there is a way for you to SAH but also maybe pick up a few shifts a week at a store you would be willing to work at (BRU, Childrens place, ON, whatever the case may be)
That way you are still SAH 75% of the time to satisfy your need to SAH, and you are also working a small bit so DH gets off your back...
Luckily my H is firmly on the side of sah. However, in that situation, I'd probably try to convince him of my position!
Honestly though unless you are both happy with the decision, someone is going to be resentful and it's not going to work. Is a compromise possible? Like pt work or sah for X number of years then work?
I would sit down and have a very serious talk about his reasoning behind wanting you to go back to work. Then I'd explain that you would be extremely unhappy with that situation. Also, try to get him to realize that even if you were to get a job to get that "extra" money, you wouldn't be getting that much extra after having to pay for child care. Therefore, it's almost a wash. Additionally, the toll it would take on you and your feelings is not worth that extra money.
I would stick to my guns unless he had d@mn good reasons (and it doesn't sound like he does).
Good luck!
I would get a job and spend that income on the cleaning lady, the laundry service and eating out 3x a day, 7 days per week. If the issue is that you aren't contributing $$ to the household, then you shouldn't be expected to contribute any more than a man is expected to.
Note that's "expected". I know some DH's are great with sharing the household responsibilities and keeping things fair, but we can't deny the traditional household roles. If it was implied that I wasn't doing my share by not making money, I would expect that he was doing his share of the household stuff.
"A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for"
Is part time an option? Despite the fact that money isn't an issue right now he may be feeling a lot of pressure being the sole provider. Also, will you working actually provide that much extra? Factor in daycare, commuting, taxes, etc. and you may be able to convince him that it wouldn't be that much extra afterall.
I'm sure you know this already, but obviously you need to have some big converstations that will probably include both of you compromising so that neither ends up unhappy and resentful.
I think your husband is probably a little gun shy because he has already lost a job once, at least then you had a job to fall back on. If it happened a second time - god forbid - things would be a lot different than they were before.
There is an opportunity to compromise somewhere in there. I suggest you come up with one and then sit down and try to negotiate in some form or fashion with him.
Being the sole provider for a family is a lot of pressure and everyone is not cut out for it.
GL!
ITA. I'd have a very serious talk about it and really ask him to drill down to his reasonings for wanting you to go back to work. If you were to go back part-time, which is a great idea, the cost of daycare would most likely eat up any earnings you made.... so it doesn't really make sense from a cost perspective.
And if you went back full-time, it sounds like you'd be extremely bitter (not that I blame you at all)... and that's not good for anyone in the house.
9/24/2011 Plymouth Firefighters 5k: 47:13
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11/10/2012 Diva Dash 5k
In your situation...I would look for a part time job. In my line of work, that's not really possible...but maybe it could be possible for you.
Was this ever discussed prior to marriage? If so, I'd default to what was decided about staying home vs. working back then.
If not, I'd start an honest discussion about your H's feelings and see if you can come to a conclusion and/or compromise.
I'd like to say I'd be super mature, empathetic, etc. and work out a compromise that made us both somewhat happy (PT work, etc.).
But in truth, I'd probably be really mad if I relocated based on this promise of SAH and then he wanted to back out. And if he pushed the issue I'd probably go back to work and be really unpleasant about it.
If I were in your shoes, I'd sit him down and tell him that you ARE a working mom. You just so happen to be working your dream job and you'd like to do everything possible to say in your current position. He's not understanding that your job is to be a SAHM and to care for the family (without paid sick days, by the way).
If he's a numbers guy, i would come up with a list of how much you could potentially earn PT and FT then do the deductions of childcare, sick days, gas, eating out, cleaning person and show him the gap.
If he's freaked about losing his job and the economy, assure him that you will be the first person to get a job if he loses his and that you'll be fine and figure it out.
but sit with him and find out exactly why he's feeling this way. Would he like an extra amount of money coming into the house and how much? (maybe you could cut corners) Does he think you're not doing your job well and what would he liked changed?
Since you love being a SAHM you really need to work on getting him on the same page. Getting a job and being resentful will only add to your problems - not make it better.
I can totally see where he's coming from. He just lost his job and then had to move out of state to find another job. Doesn't matter if he's got the money NOW. It's very hard to lose your job and worry that you can't feed your wife and 2 kids. It's not him being crappy. It's him being smart.