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Adoption
DH not comfortable with Fostering
Hi. I'm new to this board. Me and DH are currently going through our 3rd loss. Last m/c we started discussing other options but now we are going to start looking into them. I am open to adoption or fostering. I may be naive but I think fostering is such a wonderful thing you can do for a child in such a terrible position. My husband is concerned that if the child is removed he will not be able to handle it. I try to tell him our love for the child in the time we have them would be worth it. He's willing to now look a little into it. Anyone had similar experiences with this feeling? I don't want to put him in an uncomfortable position.
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Re: DH not comfortable with Fostering
I think almost every hubby intitially rejects the idea. I know my hubby did too. We are now the proud parents to the most beautiful 1 year old ever!!! She was a fost/adopt child. We had a previous placement we lost but remain in contact with.
Once I got hubby to the info sessions, his mind changed VERY fast... he only wanted fost/adopt after that.
Wish you luck!
I was much more open to fostering than DH. He has a lot of valid concerns. We decided doing straight adoption was a better situation for our family.
See how it goes, do some research, and see where your heart is taking you.
Good luck, and I"m sorry for your loss.
I have been interested in fostering for several years, even before I met DH. I work in the juvenile field with a lot of children in foster care, and it's something I strongly want to do. I've discussed it extensively with DH, and it's just not something he is comfortable with. He is worried about being able to handle a child with behavior issues, education issues, etc, and the reality is that the majority of children in foster care have more issues than most children due to being neglected by their parents and then separated from their family and placed with a stranger. I think I personally can handle this and I also think DH could if he really wanted to, but I have to respect his hesitation because it really is a big commitment. He also thinks it would be terribly difficult to have a child in our home who is likely to go back to the parent.
If I REALLY pushed the issue, I'm sure he'd go along with it to make me happy. However, both of us really need to be 100% on board. If it didn't go well or he were really unhappy, he would blame me for pressuring him. While I love the issue of fostering, I don' t want to do something that might make my DH unhappy or that could hurt our marriage.
My hope is that it's something we can consider later in life, when we have older children (middle or high school) or even when our own children are grown and no longer in our home. I think that a big part of DH's hesitation is from not having much experience with children, and feeling like he isn't equipped to handle the additional challenges that come along with fostering. Perhaps once we have our own children and he has experience with discipline and caring for kids, it's something he will consider.
There are still things that you can do to help foster kids even without fostering. See if there is a CASA program in your area and volunteer. As a CASA you will meet the children, the parents, the foster placement, and advocate for the child. Talk to CPS and CASA about other ways to volunteer. You could help with fundraisers, could participate in programs to buy Christmas gifts for foster kids, and more. This is all extremely rewarding.
You could also look into providing respite care for foster kids. My parents did this when I was growing up. Since fostering can be pretty stressful, sometimes the foster parents need a break. They can go on vacation or take a few days off, and their foster kids go to a respite foster home during this time. My parents would make it like a fun vacation for the foster child, and we'd go camping, shopping, and do other fun things. This is a way to make a difference in a foster child's life and also provide support to a foster family, but since the child is only with you for a very short time it's not as difficult.
I was going to post a similar question. My heart is so drawn to fostering and DH is hesitant. As we start IF treatment, not just diagnostics, I'd like for us to work towards being parents through both routes. I am going to suggest that we go to an informational session through the county this month so he can learn more and I can learn if it is really what I think it is all about.
I am so sorry for your losses.
Remember...as a married couple you are a TEAM. If one spouse feels the slighest hesitant that you should not follow through ... it would not be in the best interest of the child if you put a child into a home where one spouse does not want the child there, or is uncomfortable with the foster parent responsibility. Some spouses will come around...but that only takes time, and educating about things! It's a huge decision, baby steps are OKAY and always encouraged!
DITTO! Foster parenting is hard and you both have to be fully commited to it before welcoming a child into your home. Of course thats not to say that he wouldn't come around with some additional information and time, but its not something that can be forced or something that one spouse gives in to for the other.
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My husband was oringally completely against it (even though I have 4 foster brothers and he gets along with them perfectly -- he even helps them with the math homework, over the phone because we live out of state). He was afraid to get attached to a child that would leave.
After failed years of TTC and FT's, we turned towards Domestic Infant Adoption and he was excited about the prospect of starting our family. We attended an informational meeting and researched some agencies.. we thought we had chosen one and were planning on turning in our application this month. But, over the holidays something changed... he brought up fostering and he is SO on board with it. He reviewed the initial paperwork I was sent about the "10 Steps of Foster/Adopt" from the Foster Care Agency and asked when we can go to the orientation and start training, with actual excitement in his voice (I haven't heard that excitement since we did our IVF cycle).
I would say give it time.. you can't push him into, if it isn't something he wants, then there are other ways to start a family.. but you need to be open with one another. Good Luck.