Anyone survive with a toddler and newborn alone?

butterbeansmama · January 2010

DH has "almost" been offered a spot in a theatre in another state for 7 1/2 months. He would be making double (sometimes triple) what he makes now per month (so we could stash some away for the future, etc.). He would be starting approx. 2 weeks after I have #2. We all could go down whenever we wanted to visit, for as long as we wanted, but we do still need to keep our house here. They are supplying him a condo/apartment, so we wouldn't have two mortgages to pay.

I can't imagine him not taking the offer (since it's so much money), but he would be missing out on the first 1/2 year of #2 and I would be doing it all myself. My parents do live 20 minutes away from us (maybe my mom would move in. IDK, we have an extra bedroom and the space). UGH!

fwiw: we are doing fine here now with the salary that he makes (although nothing is "for sure" in his line of work), but......

I just don't know if I can do it all on my own. It helps that we can visit though.

WDYT? If you were in the same situation, what would you do?

gibs · January 2010

I'd let him go, and I'd move my mom in or have her take my toddler frequently. If you don't let him go, he'll always resent DC#2 for the timing. And missing out on the first 6 months of a baby's life isn't the end of the world.

debs1018 · January 2010

Well, that's a tough one. If you don't need the money to survive I don't know if it would be worth it. Missing out on all the babys first would be hard. And not to mention doing it all by yourself will be very hard. Can ypu move into the apt for the duration?

monchichi · January 2010

I would probably move down there with him for the next 7.5 months if that was a possibility. That's a tough one, but it sounds lie a great opportunity! I'd at least stay for the summer. That way Preston won't be missing out on preschool or anything. You might feel more comfortable coming back by yourself in the fall.

butterbeansmama · January 2010

monchichi:
I would probably move down there with him for the next 7.5 months if that was a possibility. That's a tough one, but it sounds lie a great opportunity! I'd at least stay for the summer. That way Preston won't be missing out on preschool or anything. You might feel more comfortable coming back by yourself in the fall.

It would be a great opportunity for him and even though his "face" is out there already it will help with other aspects of his career. The summer sounds like a good compromise, but it all depends on how big of a condo they get him. It would have to be at least a 2 bedroom. It would be in Pigeon Forge, TN. I know nothing of that place.

Temp159135562506975 · January 2010

i know my DH would never even entertain such a job. when he had NO job and was looking he had some offers that would be a huge commute - meaning, he'd rarely see the kids awake during the week- and even that was not worth it for him - he wanted (and waited for and got) something closer.

But, that is just us -- our priority is to be with our kids - and pay the bills. If you are making due with his salary now - i personally would not think it's worth it to not see him hardly at all for that much time... it's just not good on a marriage and not good for your kids. it's not like you don't have a choice (like military)... so to me- it would be an easy decision to make - it wouldn't happen.

CubbyMama · January 2010

gibs:
I'd let him go, and I'd move my mom in or have her take my toddler frequently. If you don't let him go, he'll always resent DC#2 for the timing. And missing out on the first 6 months of a baby's life isn't the end of the world.

What kind of ass would make the decision to have a child, and then resent him/her for getting in the way of a chance to make more money than he actually needs, anyway? If my DH felt that way about our child, we'd have bigger problems than deciding whether he should take a job. If that's the way gibs' husband would feel, then I guess perhaps the two of them are a great fit...

BBM, I kind of feel like Goldie does--it would be one thing if the money were really necessary or if he were in the military and couldn't control where he lived, but I don't know that we would make a choice like this, personally. And I do think that having a baby and a toddler would be hard on your own...or, at least, I can tell you that I've thought many times that I have no idea how I'd do it without my DH.

Again, it all depends on your personal feelings and decisions, and how much you're used to being without him anyway, but I *do* think missing out on the first 6 months of your own child's life is a big deal and I wouldn't dismiss that as quickly as gibs does.

katie277s · January 2010

I think I would compromise and move there for the summer. If your mom is available to help out the first few months, you can take quick weekend trips with the new baby, or P or both before you head down. I know its tough to think of missing the first few months, but if it will secure your family and not have you question so much the future, then I think its worth it.

My brother lives in TN (Knoxville). I am not sure how far away that is from Pigeon Forge, but I love the state and I am sure its just as nice! And when we go visit this summer, we can get together for a playdate! :-)

Good luck with your decision!

AnnapolisLari · January 2010

It's only 6 months, it's a lot of money, and honestly, the first 6 months of a baby's life aren't really all that fascinating. It would suck for you, but if you got the occasional break, I would probably tell him to do it.

Temp108743750006959 · January 2010

AnnapolisLari:
It's only 6 months, it's a lot of money, and honestly, the first 6 months of a baby's life aren't really all that fascinating. It would suck for you, but if you got the occasional break, I would probably tell him to do it.

I agree. and go down there as much as possible.

Jodi&Joe · January 2010

AnnapolisLari:
It's only 6 months, it's a lot of money, and honestly, the first 6 months of a baby's life aren't really all that fascinating. It would suck for you, but if you got the occasional break, I would probably tell him to do it.

This.

And FWIW, I had Cam on 07/27. Smack dab in the middle of summer --- Joe's busy season. He leaves the house around 7:30 and gets home at dark (around 8pm) most nights during the summer. So for at least the first (roughly) 3 months of Cam's life, it was pretty much all me. I survived. Barely - HA! But I did!

EllaJax · January 2010

DH deployed two weeks after DS was born. I've been staying with my Mama, but she works full time so basically it is just me taking care of the kids most of the time. It's really not that bad. I had to get the hang of things a lot quicker then I had to when DD was born, but that was the only problem. I'd say move your Mama in and you'll be fine. Seven months sounds like a long time, but it will fly by and DH will be home before you know it! Think of it this way, at least you can drive and see him whenever you need a hubby fix! I'm not trying to down play your situation in anyway, but military families do this all the time for anywhere from 7 to 18 months without being able to see DH and we get through it without any (major) emotional scars!

Goodluck with whatever you decide!

Yodajo · January 2010

I would encourage him to take the job. I don't see why you couldn't spend the majority of the time down there with him either. I understand Preston has school, but he's only three and I think spending the time together as a family is more important than a few months of preschool. I remember you saying shortly ago you were scraping the back of your pantry to make ends meet and have food on the table, so if this will give you some security for the future, that is important. Since you have family nearby to keep an eye on your house, I would just go with him. I know you would miss your mom, etc., but that is the choice I would make.

wellfleet04 · January 2010

I would let him go and probably go with him, at least for the summer. You can have kids in a tiny place, especially for a short time. Set Preston up with a tent in the living room and make it exciting--like camping. The baby can sleep in a PNP in the bedroom.

He's not gone completely, but my DH works very long hours and travels often for work, so there are plenty of weeks/months where I am basically doing it all with a toddler and a baby. He leaves before they get up in the morning and comes home after they go to bed all the time. My closest family is 2 hours away, so 20 minutes sounds great--I don't even see why you'd need her to move in if it is that close.

PoundCake · January 2010

DH's schedule now is so odd we hardly see each other. I'm with my kids by myself most of the time.

I'd let him go. 6 months went by in a flash to be honest. And you could make a number of getaways to see him.

Zenya · January 2010

I'd go with him for sure. I wouldn't want him to go without me.

life in an apartment sounds so much simpler and fun. I'd go in a heartbeat.

JOEBunny · January 2010

I would let him go. It sounds like it would give you some breathing room with money and IMO, it would be easier to do on my own for the 1st 6 months. I love my DH, he is great, but he is not helpful with a new baby. He is helpful with my older DD, but you could probably work out a network of friends and playdates that would help.

CleoKitty · January 2010

I would jump on the opportunity. If you're not employed outside of the home there's no reason you can't spend most of your time down there. Missing a couple months of preschool isn't a big deal, IMO.

I also don't see why you'd have to have at least a 2 BR apartment to be able to stay with your dh. Sure, some space would be nice, but since it's a furnished short-term thing does it really matter if the kids have their own room? All you really need is room to set up a bassinette or PNP in the bedroom (if you're not keen on co-sleeping) and a corner for a toddler-sized bed. Bring a big Rubbermaid bin of toys, a babyswing or bouncy seat for the newborn, and you really won't need much else. I suspect you'd find that a small space is fine considering that you'll only have a tiny fraction of the amount of stuff that you'd normally have in your home.

gibs · January 2010

CubbyMama:
gibs:
I'd let him go, and I'd move my mom in or have her take my toddler frequently. If you don't let him go, he'll always resent DC#2 for the timing. And missing out on the first 6 months of a baby's life isn't the end of the world.
What kind of ass would make the decision to have a child, and then resent him/her for getting in the way of a chance to make more money than he actually needs, anyway? If my DH felt that way about our child, we'd have bigger problems than deciding whether he should take a job. If that's the way gibs' husband would feel, then I guess perhaps the two of them are a great fit...
BBM, I kind of feel like Goldie does--it would be one thing if the money were really necessary or if he were in the military and couldn't control where he lived, but I don't know that we would make a choice like this, personally. And I do think that having a baby and a toddler would be hard on your own...or, at least, I can tell you that I've thought many times that I have no idea how I'd do it without my DH.
Again, it all depends on your personal feelings and decisions, and how much you're used to being without him anyway, but I *do* think missing out on the first 6 months of your own child's life is a big deal and I wouldn't dismiss that as quickly as gibs does.

Oh Cubby. You really can't imagine a scenario in which a man has a child who he wants, but then gets an amazing career opportunity and is forced by his naggy wife to pass it up (rather than deciding to do so on his own) and then when he sees his baby, the HUMAN part of him gets a reminder of the opportunity he forewent? I stand by my post

lucyfox · January 2010

gibs:
CubbyMama:
gibs:
I'd let him go, and I'd move my mom in or have her take my toddler frequently. If you don't let him go, he'll always resent DC#2 for the timing. And missing out on the first 6 months of a baby's life isn't the end of the world.
What kind of ass would make the decision to have a child, and then resent him/her for getting in the way of a chance to make more money than he actually needs, anyway? If my DH felt that way about our child, we'd have bigger problems than deciding whether he should take a job. If that's the way gibs' husband would feel, then I guess perhaps the two of them are a great fit...
BBM, I kind of feel like Goldie does--it would be one thing if the money were really necessary or if he were in the military and couldn't control where he lived, but I don't know that we would make a choice like this, personally. And I do think that having a baby and a toddler would be hard on your own...or, at least, I can tell you that I've thought many times that I have no idea how I'd do it without my DH.
Again, it all depends on your personal feelings and decisions, and how much you're used to being without him anyway, but I *do* think missing out on the first 6 months of your own child's life is a big deal and I wouldn't dismiss that as quickly as gibs does.

Oh Cubby. You really can't imagine a scenario in which a man has a child who he wants, but then gets an amazing career opportunity and is forced by his naggy wife to pass it up (rather than deciding to do so on his own) and then when he sees his baby, the HUMAN part of him gets a reminder of the opportunity he forewent? I stand by my post

LOL!

I agree with gibs-

and lari

the first 6 months really aren't the fascinating and the mom's do *most* of the work when they are that age anyhow (unless you're PMQ's hubs...I think he helps breastfeed?) Anyhow, sounds like a great opportunity. FWIW my husband was gone for 9 months in Australia when DS was 4 months old...it sucked being apart and him missing things, but in the grand scheme of things it was a great move for his career and we survived It will be harder on the older child really...the 6 month old won't know the diff.

Congrats on the opportunity!

veloelle · January 2010

Yodajo:
I would encourage him to take the job. I don't see why you couldn't spend the majority of the time down there with him either. I understand Preston has school, but he's only three and I think spending the time together as a family is more important than a few months of preschool. I remember you saying shortly ago you were scraping the back of your pantry to make ends meet and have food on the table, so if this will give you some security for the future, that is important. Since you have family nearby to keep an eye on your house, I would just go with him. I know you would miss your mom, etc., but that is the choice I would make.

ditto x1000

Chrisy-Wyobride · January 2010

I did for a couple months...w/ your parents nearby I'd especially be willing to do it. You could go visit & he could visit you guys like once a week or so. It'd be worth it IMO.

winomom22 · January 2010

Our family would decide against this. I wouldn't be so much concerned about the baby, but about my preschooler. She would miss dh terribly, add him being gone to her having to adjust to a new sibling and having to share the attention with her would be too much IMO. I am anticipating it being hard enough with both of us here. If I stayed at home that might be a different story cause then I could visit often, but I work part time and I personally cannot see going this alone for 6 months.

sweetie1528 · January 2010

can you go with him? that's what I would do.

CubbyMama · January 2010

How shocking--gibs and lucyfox disagree with me?!

Here's what I'm saying: I don't think not wanting one's husband to move away for 6 months right after the birth of a new baby makes someone a "naggy wife." It's not like she's wondering whether to let him go play poker with his friends one night. Obviously, it's a personal decision that the OP and her family will have to make, but IMO she doesn't need to feel obligated to go along with it purely on the grounds that wanting him to stay will make him resent her and/or the baby, which I think is stupid reasoning and assumes that her husband is pretty selfish.

If going with him is an option, I would absolutely consider it if it were me. If it came down to living apart for half a year, I wouldn't exactly be jumping at the idea...but maybe I'm just not as sweet and accommodating as gibs and lucyfox. Wink

TheNextWest · January 2010

CleoKitty:

I would jump on the opportunity. If you're not employed outside of the home there's no reason you can't spend most of your time down there. Missing a couple months of preschool isn't a big deal, IMO.

I also don't see why you'd have to have at least a 2 BR apartment to be able to stay with your dh. Sure, some space would be nice, but since it's a furnished short-term thing does it really matter if the kids have their own room? All you really need is room to set up a bassinette or PNP in the bedroom (if you're not keen on co-sleeping) and a corner for a toddler-sized bed. Bring a big Rubbermaid bin of toys, a babyswing or bouncy seat for the newborn, and you really won't need much else. I suspect you'd find that a small space is fine considering that you'll only have a tiny fraction of the amount of stuff that you'd normally have in your home.

I agree with this. Make an adventure out of it! Reminds me of when we first got married and lived in our little apartment, paycheck to check- we had some of THE best times! Some of our favorite memories are in that tiny apartment, you all could have so much fun! It's just six months

Could you do it without him? Yes. But why would you if you don't have to? Like a previous poster, my H left with the Air Force a month after our twins came home and I was here with a 3 year old and 3 months old twins for 6 months, and now I've done 7 months so far with a 5 year old and two 2-year olds. Sure, you survive... but we would have given anything to have not missed those months together. And it did break his heart to miss our babies roll over for the first time, start crawling, he's even bummed he missed out on PT!!

Kapalua · January 2010

Yodajo:
I would encourage him to take the job. I don't see why you couldn't spend the majority of the time down there with him either. I understand Preston has school, but he's only three and I think spending the time together as a family is more important than a few months of preschool. I remember you saying shortly ago you were scraping the back of your pantry to make ends meet and have food on the table, so if this will give you some security for the future, that is important. Since you have family nearby to keep an eye on your house, I would just go with him. I know you would miss your mom, etc., but that is the choice I would make.

this. exactly. Plus, it sounds like a fun adventure!

ilovemygirls · January 2010

Even though my DH was technically "here" when I had both kids, he owns a business & is very busy working. Basically he only took off the day I had each kiddo, then was back to work. My folks lived 30min away at the time (now live very near us) and would come over to help out sometimes. You might look into getting a mother's helper (local teen or college student) to come in a day or two a week for a few hours so you could catch a break. It sounds like a great opportunity for your family financially, so I'd say go for it. Yes, it will be tough at times but you know it's for a finite period of time that will allow you to save for your future!

squishywife · January 2010

id let him go do it. as long as you really could visit whenever you wanted for however long you wanted.

noel didnt even walk when morgan was born. dh was home at night, but usually didnt get home from work until 8. yes, i was pissedat him a lot, but at the same time i feel like i did a great job for making it through! you can do it!

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