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3rd Trimester
kayleigh1987
member
NBR: need advice on how to handle sisters recent engagement
kayleigh1987
member
Ok, a little back story: I got married at 19. Although I'm married to the greatest man in the world, I wouldn't recommend early marriage to anyone not mature enough to handle the pressures of married life.
That said, my sister got engaged over Christmas. While in other circumstances I might be thrilled for her, I know her too well and I know her fiance well enough to have my concerns over them getting married. She is a little older than I was when I got married (she's 21), but she also has never had to deal with any serious pressures of living on your own (including paying bills, cleaning house, not running to mom and dad every time there is a problem) since she is living with my parents. Her fiance is not a whole lot different from her. Although he lives on his own, he works at a low paying job with no plan for advancement and is content with that. On top of all that, as a couple they have been on and off for the past 4 years. What does that say about how they handle problems as a couple?
So here's where my internal debate begins. Should I calmly and lovingly tell her how I (and many other family members, including the parents) feel about her getting married at this point in her life, or should I keep doing what I have been doing and show my support and just be a good maid of honor?
TIA. I would just like to hear what some of you ladies would do in this situation.
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Re: NBR: need advice on how to handle sisters recent engagement
To play devil's advocate I would think that there were people who thought you were too young to get married when you did but that was your choice, so whether someone is ready is in the eye of the beholder.
As far as talking to her I think you could approach it from a point of view of concern but you have to be really careful not to sound like you are talking down to her. Maybe give her some things just to think about such as "you know I wish someone had told me x, y, and z before I got married" or "If I had known how hard a, b, and c were I might have waited or found the information to be really helpful".
Otherwise, I think you need to butt out.
When I got married at 23 I grew really weary of people trying to "help me" make sure I was making the right decision. I still can get kind of bitter about it if I dwell on it for too long.
But then again we were finished with school, employed, living on our own- so the situation seems to be different but still people couldn't get over the age thing.
People are going to make the decisions that they want to make and sometimes people have a better grip on their own situations than others.
Other times people have no idea what they are doing but they need to find that out on their own because that's the best way for them to learn.
But I do understand the need to offer advice because it's only natural, but I would just be careful how you word it and make sure that you are coming off as supportive, even if you don't agree. Perhaps asking her questions that you are concerned about as opposed to giving unsolicited advice would be a better approach, after you offer your congratulations of course.
I would have a hard time not saying something. I also think even if you are calm, she won't listen to you, and would possibly get angry. She of course, will say, "You got married young, why can't I?" Most likely, she will take his side and not listen to you anyway.
Unfortunately, I have a younger sister EXACTLY like this. Everything, the bills, living on her own, running to mommy and daddy. And mine is 26! She's with a guy who is the biggest loser I've ever met, but any time I try and nicely remind her she can do better, she freaks out and hangs up on me. I'm just waiting until the day she realizes it too and dumps him herself. I think all you can do is be nice, be the maid of honor, but when the sh!t does go down and they break up, be there for her. GL!
not your business.
I would be furious if someone who got married (and is happily married) at 19 tried to me about marriage. i agree with you, but you don't have a leg to stand on, and it's just going to come off as condescending.
When my younger sister got married - I told her my concerns ie:she was rushing into it, etc. She got married anyways and it caused some hurt feelings and fights all around.
I still struggle with what the right answer is - how do you not say anything? But if you do she will probably get married anyways and resent you for saying something.
She's an adult and can/will get married if she wants to. Just be there for her but don't try to "fix" things.
If you try to relay your concerns to her, she might cut you out. Just be prepared for that scenario. I personally would find a kind and loving way to relay your thoughts, then in the same conversation, say you love her and will always be there for her. She will one day be able to "re-access" what you told her if she thinks you were right. If you think she'll cancel her engagement for you, then you're probably very wrong.
Maybe you can frame it like "I know you've probably heard that the first year of marriage is always really hard, and it truly is. You'll face difficult issues that you might not know how to work through. If you ever want to talk, I'll always be here for you."
Keep your mouth shut, smile and be a great maid of honor.
You can talk about how hard it was for you at first, talk about plans for the future, ask who is going to be in charge of the bills, etc - but don't say you think they aren't ready unless you want to really offend her, especially given how young you were were you got married.
I think you can bring it up, but it will take a LOT of tact to keep it from becoming a fight. As one pp said, she's likely to rebel and just ignore your words if she feels threatened.
I'm the baby in my family, and I think a lot of people thought DH and I were too young and inexperienced to get married (we were both 23, and had never been in a relationship, ours aside, longer than 6 weeks). I can see why family members on both sides were concerned.
But only two people mentioned it, and I think they handled it well. My mom told me one day that I don't have to get married just because I feel like that's the thing to do, which started a good conversation about my motives. I also realized that her perspective on our relationship was different from how we really interact. Also, my BIL gave me a brotherly "talk" about how marriage is so different and you're around each other all the time, there's no more "just you" and stuff like that.
I know that both were speaking from a concern, frankly, that I was a baby and didn't know how to live my life, but it wasn't in such a way that it sounded judgmental or like some sort of order to end my relationship.
And you know what? Chris and I are, without a doubt, the happiest couple I know. Not only that, but we've helped each other grow up, and it's been a blast all the way. Not to say that things will work out perfectly with your sis, but she does have a right to live her own life, and it's best if she still has a close relationship with her sister along the way.
This.
Marriage is hard I know and you can worry about her till the cows come home but something tells me plenty of people had the same thoughts about your own marriage and obviously you still got married.
Don't say anything. She won't listen to you and it will just cause hard feelings.
The best you can do is be a good model if the areas you think she lacks experience (paying bills, keeping house, etc) and give her guidance IF she asks for it.
DS- Wesley- March 14, 2010
Thanks again.
I went through the whole "you're too young to get married" thing and I had my fair share of people butting in where they shouldn't, so I don't want to come across as condescending or high and mighty. I also know alot more now that I wish I had known then and would like to pass on to her. The main difference in our situations is that although me and my DH were young, we (or at least he) was significantly more mature and since then he has helped me mature by leaps and bounds.
I will try to be the best maid of honor and sister that I can and if she asks for advice, I'll tell her what I know (without sounding condescending, only showing concern). Unfortunately that day may never come because my sister seems firmly against accepting advice from anyone, including my parents, but then again, its her life and she's going to do whatever she sees fit.
This is tough. My first marriage "occurred" when I was 19 and lasted until I was 25. I knew it was a mistake, but did not have the guts to end it. My parents tried to talk me out of it, but I was too stubborn to listen to it.
Those years were not terrible, but not happy years in my life and I wish I had listened to first my own heart and then to my parents PLEAS to not make this mistake.
That said, I learned a lot about myself and eventually did end this relationship....now I am happily married and more in touch with myself.....
So, maybe you should say something, very gently and leave it at that. You don't want to drive her away by being too forceful with your opinion and she needs to have your support no matter what. I love my family for standing by me through thick and thin and my stupid mistakes.
This.