Lets Play: Name that punishment! Re: The Teen

MelandJeff · January 2010

So, The Teen went to a friends house last night for NYE. No discussion about extending curfew took place. IMO, that was her responsibility to ask/arrange for/ whatever.

So, midnight comes and goes. I text her and say "Where are you?"

She is still at her friends, she said, and her "ride was leaving at 1:00, is that ok?" Yeah, um NO its not ok. If you would have asked ahead of time, maybe.

Well, long story short, she didnt get home until almost 1.

So, she needs a punishment- because it is my job. But, I am really not all that mad anymore, I mean, she has been good for the last, oh, 11 minutes so that is a huge improvement for us and, the girl turns 17 in a week.

littlemermaid · January 2010

Make her clean all of the toilets.

DandelionMom · January 2010

Ask her what the punishment should be? My parents did that to me and later admitted that the punishment I picked was worse than what they would have picked. Then my mom told me that if I was ever late like that again, she'd storm the party in her robe and curlers hollering for me.

meghans30 · January 2010

littlemermaid:
Make her clean all of the toilets.

Good one!

MelandJeff · January 2010

We only have 2, and I keep them clean. If they were dirty, that would be an awesome punishment, haha.

She is in the kitchen cleaning in a futile attempt to suck up.

katie277s · January 2010

DandelionMom:
Ask her what the punishment should be? My parents did that to me and later admitted that the punishment I picked was worse than what they would have picked. Then my mom told me that if I was ever late like that again, she'd storm the party in her robe and curlers hollering for me.

This! My parents did this too, and I always picked something worse than they would have given me. Although, it only took 2 times before I stopped :-)

MelandJeff · January 2010

katie277s:
DandelionMom:
Ask her what the punishment should be? My parents did that to me and later admitted that the punishment I picked was worse than what they would have picked. Then my mom told me that if I was ever late like that again, she'd storm the party in her robe and curlers hollering for me.
This! My parents did this too, and I always picked something worse than they would have given me. Although, it only took 2 times before I stopped :-)

My DD's learning curve is rather long... LOL!

BubblyToes · January 2010

I'd probably subject her to a boring lecture on responsibility, but that would probably be it. She was safe, it was a special occasion.

But I would probably have a different idea if I had experience with teenagers.

JOEBunny · January 2010

In the exact same situation on New Years Eve when I was 16, I was 4 minutes late because my ride did not take my curfew seriously, and I had to polish all the silver, polish the hardwood floors in the entry hall, clean all the windows in the sunroom, and one other thing I don't remember.

I was never late again.

caitlinsmom · January 2010

I would change her curfew for the next few weeks to offset the time she was late. So if she normally has to be home by 11 and she was 2 hours late I'd make her come home at 10 the next 2 weeks.

MelandJeff · January 2010

BubblyToes:
I'd probably subject her to a boring lecture on responsibility, but that would probably be it. She was safe, it was a special occasion.
But I would probably have a different idea if I had experience with teenagers.

This is good----I think that if the kid is an overall good kid, you can let stuff slide more, or rather feel more compelled to do so.

While Ashley has been been good lately, she isnt one of those kids who stays out of trouble, LOL!

MelandJeff · January 2010

caitlinsmom:
I would change her curfew for the next few weeks to offset the time she was late. So if she normally has to be home by 11 and she was 2 hours late I'd make her come home at 10 the next 2 weeks.

This is exactly what DH said to do

eclaires · January 2010

caitlinsmom:
I would change her curfew for the next few weeks to offset the time she was late. So if she normally has to be home by 11 and she was 2 hours late I'd make her come home at 10 the next 2 weeks.

I'd do something like this or tell her that the next time a special occasion comes up and she asks for an extended curfew, the answer will be no, no matter what.

Nothing big, but something related to curfew.

#6 · January 2010

Maybe I see things differently but if it wasnt brought up and you didnt bring it up either then why should she be punished?

I would have gone to her and told her that yes its a special occasion and that she still needs to be home by curfew or ask nicely to stay out later and do something to earn that right.

Since that didnt happen and she was late I would talk to her about not asking to be out late. She probably assumed since it was NYE that she would be able to stay out past midnight. I think being home 1hr after midnight on NYE is reasonable. Esp if she was at a friends house and was safe. Make sure you tell her that her curfew is her responsiblity, and that if she needs it extened for a very special occasion such as NYE that that is also her responsibilty to come talk to you about.

veloelle · January 2010

Lucky*Ducky:
Maybe I see things differently but if it wasnt brought up and you didnt bring it up either then why should she be punished?

I would have gone to her and told her that yes its a special occasion and that she still needs to be home by curfew or ask nicely to stay out later and do something to earn that right.

Since that didnt happen and she was late I would talk to her about not asking to be out late. She probably assumed since it was NYE that she would be able to stay out past midnight. I think being home 1hr after midnight on NYE is reasonable. Esp if she was at a friends house and was safe. Make sure you tell her that her curfew is her responsiblity, and that if she needs it extened for a very special occasion such as NYE that that is also her responsibilty to come talk to you about.

Correct me if Im wrong, but I think the isse is she ASSUMEd curfew was extended and never asked. Unlessshe made plans w/ her mom, curfew time is thesame everyday of the year. I'm guessing she hedged her bets and lost.

edit: 1 hour late after curfew is crazy, seeing as she didn't make alternate plans w/ her mom. Especially on a night of drunk drivers and plain old idiots on the road after midnight. I'd be pretty worried/upset if DD was an hour late.

Zenya · January 2010

JOEBunny:
In the exact same situation on New Years Eve when I was 16, I was 4 minutes late because my ride did not take my curfew seriously, and I had to polish all the silver, polish the hardwood floors in the entry hall, clean all the windows in the sunroom, and one other thing I don't remember.
I was never late again.

Indifferent

Jodi&Joe · January 2010

z - I know it probably seems extreme but I honestly believe this is the type of thing that forms good work ethics.

For example, if you are arriving at work 4 minutes late, that is late. Late is late. By letting 4 minutes slip, you are not teaching your child a darn thing --- other than they can be late.

Zenya · January 2010

Jodi&Joe:
z - I know it probably seems extreme but I honestly believe this is the type of thing that forms good work ethics.

For example, if you are arriving at work 4 minutes late, that is late. Late is late. By letting 4 minutes slip, you are not teaching your child a darn thing --- other than they can be late.

Yeah. totally disagree. 4 minutes?! that just seems tyrannical to me.

Jodi&Joe · January 2010

Zenya:
Jodi&Joe:

z - I know it probably seems extreme but I honestly believe this is the type of thing that forms good work ethics.

For example, if you are arriving at work 4 minutes late, that is late. Late is late. By letting 4 minutes slip, you are not teaching your child a darn thing --- other than they can be late.

Yeah. totally disagree. 4 minutes?! that just seems tyrannical to me.

Have you ever been consistently 4 minutes late to work? Yea,it has consequences, including termination.

That has to be taught somewhere along the line, right?

MelandJeff · January 2010

Lucky*Ducky:
Maybe I see things differently but if it wasnt brought up and you didnt bring it up either then why should she be punished?

I would have gone to her and told her that yes its a special occasion and that she still needs to be home by curfew or ask nicely to stay out later and do something to earn that right.

Since that didnt happen and she was late I would talk to her about not asking to be out late. She probably assumed since it was NYE that she would be able to stay out past midnight. I think being home 1hr after midnight on NYE is reasonable. Esp if she was at a friends house and was safe. Make sure you tell her that her curfew is her responsiblity, and that if she needs it extened for a very special occasion such as NYE that that is also her responsibilty to come talk to you about.

I disagree. It is HER responsibility to not assume things. This is one of those little life lessons. She is 17, not 5. While when they are younger, a reminder of rules is in order, when your a teenager, you need to be accountable for your own actions and take measures to be responsible and prove that you are responsible.

She assumed wrong, and make a mistake. This, she will have to pay for. I am not saying it needs to be severe, but if I didnt punish her, what kind of message am I sending?

jpowell3 · January 2010

Lucky*Ducky:

Maybe I see things differently but if it wasnt brought up and you didnt bring it up either then why should she be punished?

I would have gone to her and told her that yes its a special occasion and that she still needs to be home by curfew or ask nicely to stay out later and do something to earn that right.

Since that didnt happen and she was late I would talk to her about not asking to be out late. She probably assumed since it was NYE that she would be able to stay out past midnight. I think being home 1hr after midnight on NYE is reasonable. Esp if she was at a friends house and was safe. Make sure you tell her that her curfew is her responsiblity, and that if she needs it extened for a very special occasion such as NYE that that is also her responsibilty to come talk to you about.

I agree with this. YOU are the parent, you are responsible for enforcing & creating the curfew. This was a special occasion in which she assumed (as I would too) that she would be allowed to stay at her friends house until the ball dropped. You said she was home just before 1am, this means she most likely left as soon as the event was over. I don't think anyone is to blame here.

buffalo_buckeye · January 2010

I'm late to this but thought I would add my 2cents. At first I thought "it wasn't discussed so why is it a big deal...afterall it was NYE... BUT I think she was totally trying to play you for the extra time. No doubt there was discussion with her friends about "What time do you have to be home" and she decided to just ignore the curfew and hope you wouldn't be mad. I agree she needs a punishment but not a severe one. I like the "hour or two early" next time she goes out, AND a couple extra chores over the weekend.

Zenya · January 2010

jpowell3:
I agree with this. YOU are the parent, you are responsible for enforcing & creating the curfew. This was a special occasion in which she assumed (as I would too) that she would be allowed to stay at her friends house until the ball dropped. You said she was home just before 1am, this means she most likely left as soon as the event was over. I don't think anyone is to blame here.

agree. This way it kind of feels like set up.

Littlejen22 · January 2010

Having raised a teenager and knowing what most teens (or at least the ones I met through SD when she was in high school and lived with us) are like, teens are not being taught that there are rules today.

Compare this to it being a holiday and you working, most people assume that they will be let go early. If you just left work and did not talk to your boss b/c you assumed that it would be ok...you might get fired or written up. I know it sounds crazy to some but this is seriously something that many kids/teens have not been taught. All Mel is trying to do is make sure that when her daughter goes into the real world that she knows that if there are rules she cannot just assume that it is ok to change them without talking to the person in charge. If she learns that lesson today instead of when she gets fired from her job then Mel did her a great service.

I like changing her curfew for a week or two...maybe two weekends but not two weeks.

Jodi&Joe · January 2010

Littlejen22:

Having raised a teenager and knowing what most teens (or at least the ones I met through SD when she was in high school and lived with us) are like, teens are not being taught that there are rules today.

Compare this to it being a holiday and you working, most people assume that they will be let go early. If you just left work and did not talk to your boss b/c you assumed that it would be ok...you might get fired or written up. I know it sounds crazy to some but this is seriously something that many kids/teens have not been taught. All Mel is trying to do is make sure that when her daughter goes into the real world that she knows that if there are rules she cannot just assume that it is ok to change them without talking to the person in charge. If she learns that lesson today instead of when she gets fired from her job then Mel did her a great service.

I like changing her curfew for a week or two...maybe two weekends but not two weeks.

Well said!

And at 17, she SHOULD get this!!!!!!!!!

gracendantho26 · January 2010

She should have callled you to extend her curfew or been home on time. Period. She is 17 and capable of asking if she wanted to stay out later but instead she took the sneaky way out (I'm assuming she thought maybe you would not let her stay out so she didn't risk asking) and in this situation you didn't say no...persay..so she really didn't do anything necessarily wrong, right? To me that was most likey her thought process. Teens are crafty like that. Clearly she deserves a punishment and I'd probably take away a Friday or Saturday night (I assume she goes out on weekend nights??).

Good luck!

hopefulmom · January 2010

I think it is a bit odd that you would allow her to even go to a New Year's Eve party and not expect her to stay beyond midnight. I mean, isn't that the whole idea of "New Year's Eve"?

I've gone throught 2 teenagers (17 year olds...who are now way into adulthood)...it would not have been a big deal for me and our curfew was midnight. Many times they were a bit late...few minutes...because they road with someone else. If we definitely wanted her home by midnight we would have to pick her up...or allow her to drive our car.

If you want her home at a certain time then you need to either provide her with a car or pick her up! HER curfew is not her friend's responsibility.

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