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goldenjes
member
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Some ?s regarding your situations
goldenjes
member
I have to respond to a rather nasty email back to BF. I'm giving it a couple of days so I can write it logically and politely, instead of telling him to F--off, which is how I feel now.
So... I'd love to hear how you all deal with the following situations, especially if it's not specified in your CO.
-- Talking to one parent while at the other parent's house
-- Agreeing on extra-curricular activities. (we have "joint agreement" on everything in our CO)
-- What kinds of things are considered "needs" vs "wants" of a child?
-- Who pays for extra-curricular activities if the kids want to do them? (we have 50-50 schedule with no CS right now)
Thanks!
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Re: Some ?s regarding your situations
I don't like the way DH talks to BM in her house. He's really sarcastic and gives people a hard time, just as a general rule, but in her house, after their history and now things are going well, I wish he'd be a little more polite to keep things smooth. BUUT no.
The kids haven't really shown an interest in extra-curriculars, but if they wanted to and BM called and told us, we'd gladly pay half. Now if it's a summer camp (their time with us) we'd foot the bill. For the most part, BM and DH are on good terms and she calls when she needs money for extras (bikes etc) or if they need clothes, she usually tells us "they need jeans" when we ask what they want for Christmas/Birthdays. They've been pretty civil for the last year.
I'm sorry your BF is giving you problems!
My ex usually sends me an email if he wants to call DS on a certain night. It's not ever been an issue. Whenever DS is with the ex/the ex's parents, I typically call every other day at a little bit before his normal bedtime.
DS is only 4, so extracurricular activities haven't really come up yet. I did tell my ex that I wanted to get him involved in a soccer team, and he agreed it would be good. Since he pays CS, I would expect to pay for the activities.
Needs vs wants sounds like a harder thing to tackle. I'd try not to use "need" for anything other than like food, shelter, healthcare, etc. But we've talked a little bit about things that are in his best interest and would be good for him. My ex isn't in much of a position to disagree with me, so he hasn't yet.
Sorry, that probably wasn't much help!
-- Talking to one parent while at the other parent's house
Meaning SS is at our house and wants to talk to his mom? He can call her whenever he wants. If she asks for him to call her at a certain time, we try to make it happen (usually that would be calling after we're home from a trip with SS or something like that). Sometimes she calls him when he's at our house, but that's pretty rare and she usually tells DH why she's calling first (I can only think of 2x she's called him - once because of a car wreck and once because she gave birth to his little sister) When SS is at his mom's he calls us whenever he wants to... which is pretty rare, but he's never been a phone talker.
-- Agreeing on extra-curricular activities. (we have "joint agreement" on everything in our CO)
This has never been much of an issue. BM never wanted to enroll him in anything we wouldn't approve of or that he didn't want to do.
-- What kinds of things are considered "needs" vs "wants" of a child?
Not sure what the question is, we've never debated needs and wants.
-- Who pays for extra-curricular activities if the kids want to do them? (we have 50-50 schedule with no CS right now)
When SS was younger, BM did not work (lived in an inherited home and primarily lived off of child support with occassional part time minimum wage work). So when SS wanted to do little league, DH paid for half of it. When SS wanted to do martial arts we found a place to take him to on weekends and paid for all of it. SS had an oppotunity to go to a cool camp one summer and we paid half because his mom couldn't. Other summers we've paid for camp ourselves because it was our idea (and SS wanted to go).
I'm a SM who sees SD at least 1-2 days/wk. Hope this helps:
-- Talking to one parent while at the other parent's house: is always cool. That being said, BM does not typically call us when we have SD and SD rarely asks to call BM. This week, after having been with us for a couple of days, she said "I miss mommy", so we dialed, she talked to her mom. She did ask to go to her mom's a few hours early and after ensuring all good with her mom, she did. Think she missed getting to show her mom the rest of her presents and Christmas details.
-- Agreeing on extra-curricular activities. (we have "joint agreement" on everything in our CO) SD typically goes to an afterschool program that she likes-DH pays all. No real extracurricular activities yet but sure this won't change when she wants these (maybe I'll be a soccer SM?) Would appreciate the gesture of BM kicking in a few bucks as per CO, but...meh, have to make that DH's issue, not mine.
-- What kinds of things are considered "needs" vs "wants" of a child? for any child, agree with PP. Wants are anything above food, clothing, shelter. I don't want SD to ever have to miss anything because she's a child of divorce, that being said, because she is, it doesn't entitle her to everything. Think that the family often falls into the "make it up to her" track although she's quite the happy kid.
-- Who pays for extra-curricular activities if the kids want to do them? (we have 50-50 schedule with no CS right now). Again, DH typically pays for all. He makes more money, he wants to do it, he can (within reason).
I am a SM and we get the boys 50% of the time but BM see's them M-F as she is the one that picks them up from school and then drops them off at DH's mom's house where he picks them up on our nights. With that being said BM only has to go Saturdays and Sundays without seeing the boys and she still has to call. She is really needy. If we are busy then the boys will call her back. We had to make her understand that we are doing family stuff with the boys and they are not always readily available to her. They never want to call her so that is not an issue.
My DH and BM discuss all activities and both have to agree on it. Then they just split everything. There have been no issues with this either.
Even though BM is a biotch sometimes and has her moods, DH and her always talk about everything and work stuff out. Sometimes its rough, but they get through it!
-- Talking to one parent while at the other parent's house
for the large part this is not an issue. We have 60/40 custody so SS never goes more than a few days without speaking to either parent. If SS wants to call either parent he is more than welcome to at either house but it rarely comes up
-- Agreeing on extra-curricular activities. (we have "joint agreement" on everything in our CO)
There is nothing in the CO about extra curricular activities.
-- What kinds of things are considered "needs" vs "wants" of a child?
food, clothes, shelter, etc are needs. Toys activities etc are wants
-- Who pays for extra-curricular activities if the kids want to do them? (we have 50-50 schedule with no CS right now)
SS does some activities through daycare and i believe they split that 50/50. Anything extra we pay
-- Talking to one parent while at the other parent's house
Thursdays at 8 is in the CO, but it generally works out to every night before bedtime.
-- Agreeing on extra-curricular activities. (we have "joint agreement" on everything in our CO)
SS is too young for extra curricular stuff right now, except the occasional trip to Chuck E Cheese
-- What kinds of things are considered "needs" vs "wants" of a child?
Case by case basis. BM decides how to spend the CS, and if "needs" more $$, it is discussed. DH gets the final say on those though, since we obviously aren't required to shell out additional money on top of what they already receive. When we have SS, we just make our own decisions.
-- Who pays for extra-curricular activities if the kids want to do them? (we have 50-50 schedule with no CS right now)
I'm assuming when the time comes, we will split it 50-50. They get enough that it would be able to pay for football uniforms, or whatever, but it makes sense in my head that we would still help cover half, so not all C/S has to go towards it.
HTH!
Talking to other parent: both accept calls or return calls if missed
extra-curriculars: I decide and I pay
needs v wants: irrelevant in our sitch since ex doesn't pay support
who pays: me
I'll answer this for my BF. He is pretty good about visits but hasn't paid child support since spring and has never paid it regularly. He has nothing in his name, lives of off favors of others and is really good at living off the grid. He is the typical dead beat dad except that he regulary takes DS for visits.
Bf doesn't have a house, he couch hops. When he is at my house it varies. BF is severely bi-polar but not getting help for it. If he is having a sane day we make small talk at the door whild DS is getting his coat on. If not I call the police for a civil stand by and we don't even make eye contact.
We don't have to agree on anything. I have full legal and full physical. BF gets visitation.
BF doesn't consider anything a need. Example: When DS was a little over a year old I asked for help paying for diapers and clothes. He said they weren't a need because I was choosing not to potty train. Clothes aren't a need either because I can sew and could have made clothes out of old sheets from goodwill.
I pay for everything that isn't a "need", like diapers and clothes.
-- Talking to one parent while at the other parent's house. We let them call BM whenever they want. I dont push the issue though, they will let me know if and when they want to talk to her. I dont mind, we have a working relationship and if they want to talk to her then I feel it would be wrong to say no. Its usually just a quick hello, miss you, love you and then I get handed to phone to tell her whats been going on and how they have been.
-- Agreeing on extra-curricular activities. (we have "joint agreement" on everything in our CO) Everything is a joint decision..
-- What kinds of things are considered "needs" vs "wants" of a child? To us needs are clothes(not too much of course, but enough) transportation, shelter, food, basic needs. Wants of course would be video games or things of that nature, but we still provide those because we want them to fit in and I feel that its a need as well, socially.
-- Who pays for extra-curricular activities if the kids want to do them? (we have 50-50 schedule with no CS right now) We do. BM is limited on money, and while we are as well we dont want them to go without, so we make due.
-- Talking to one parent while at the other parent's house
SS calls his mother every night before bedtime. She can call anytine she likes and we just hand SS the phone.
-- Agreeing on extra-curricular activities. (we have "joint agreement" on everything in our CO) BM signs him up for stuff on her days, we do on ours.
-- What kinds of things are considered "needs" vs "wants" of a child?
Needs- love, attention, food, cloths, education and a roof over your head.
Wants - Generally anything that is considered a luxury. Toys, computers etc.
-- Who pays for extra-curricular activities if the kids want to do them? (we have 50-50 schedule with no CS right now) For you it should be split 50/50 for us if we sign him up for it we pay and vice versa.