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What's better, re: ILs.

Mrs.HizzoMrs.Hizzo member
in Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months

Because I'm bored.

Ever noticed, everyone who moans about their ILs either complains that they are around too frequently, or that they don't care and aren't around enough? Makes me realize that anything a MIL does is wrong, heh, heh. What would be better? For me, when I married DH we saw his out of state mom about 3 times a year and I thought that was just perfect. We had a nice, cordial relationship and I naively thought it would stay that way. Then I had a baby and she went BSC. She announced (didn't ask, announced) that she was going to be here 9 times a year, started doing things like walking in the room unannounced when I was pumping, calling the night before to tell me that she would be here the next afternoon (I am not the sort of housekeeper who keeps the place ready for company at a moment's notice), telling me I'm not really a democrat (because she's a staunch republican) and a million other things to make me insane. We finally told her to back off and she still doesn't get it. I'm a private person who doesn't deal well with any of this and she makes me want to bang my head against a wall, but at the same I have to appreciate that she wants to see my children so much. Still, when I see people post about how their ILs never come to visit their kids, I can't help but think "if only."

What's better? Too much or too little?

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Re: What's better, re: ILs.

  • mavs_girl07mavs_girl07 member
    I don't know.  I see mine twice a year, and that's still too much.
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  • took79took79
    Mine lives in town and now that she's sober she's wonderful... before not so much.  We'd get drunk phone calls in the middle of the night and all sorts of other wonderful suprises.
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  • Mrs.GoldenblattMrs.Goldenblatt

    Too little is better for me.  However, my parents are very helpful with everything. If they weren't around to help as much I may feel differently about my ILs

    I'm just not comfortable around my ILs either so I prefer to limit visits and such. 

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  • klink11klink11 member

    I would think that 9 times a year is still not that much in an overall scheme of things. I would try and bite my tounge as much as possible, let the small things slide off my back. Of course if it gets out of control deal with it but you know.

    When I complain, I feel it because I am suffocating, I mean my MIL lives across the STREET. wanna trade?

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  • nybride0705nybride0705
    I LOOVVE that we moved out of state, 1-2 times a year is good enough for me and that's b/c we go back home. MIL lives in the same town as my parents so sometimes DH goes to see her by himself, Big Smile She claims that she coming to visit this summer, I pray that she doesn't I can't take 24/7.
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  • Mrs.HizzoMrs.Hizzo member
    imageklink11:

    I would think that 9 times a year is still not that much in an overall scheme of things. I would try and bite my tounge as much as possible, let the small things slide off my back. Of course if it gets out of control deal with it but you know.

    When I complain, I feel it because I am suffocating, I mean my MIL lives across the STREET. wanna trade?

    You know, in a way, sort of. I've often thought it might be better if she lived here. Then she could visit for an hour and GO HOME. Right now she wants to come out in the middle of the week when DH is working, and I'm stuck entertaining her by myself for three days straight. (And he often works late, so I really do mean all day.) I finally put my foot down and said weekends only, so that DH could deal with her.

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  • Judah'sMommyJudah'sMommy

    I saw mine twice this year (although one was a 2-week vacation out of the country, so that should count as like 50), and that twice was plenty. 

    I'm OK with my MIL, but I like my space and the fact that she lives 14 hours away is lovely.

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  • LoriFalceLoriFalce member

    As my FIL haunts my basement apartment like a freaking ghost, I'd say "too little" would be an absolute blessing.

     

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  • Mrs.McLovinMrs.McLovin member

    Never again will the ILs spend the night at my place. Before DS, they were a little odd, but were nice enough to me so I didn't mind them. When DH and I lived out of state, they would come visit for a long weekend every 3 months. I thought it was a bit too often, but wasn't going to complain.

    After DS, I like to limit the visits and there will be no more overnights. I don't trust them.

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  • lynnbeezlynnbeez
    I actually get along with my MIL.  I have a better relationship with her than my own Mom.  Sad but true.  She lives 20 mins away.  We even go to the movies together.  I got really lucky!
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  • juietbridejuietbride member
    I enjoy our distant relationship with my IL, both are alcoholics and are neglecting their health big time. If they were sober 100% of the time we would love to have them around more often.
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  • ms_mellorms_mellor

    Mine live an hour away, and so come and visit for hours on end...at totally inappropriate times (like 8 hours after I got home from the hospital with DD...and I didn't stay in the hospital, so we're talking less than 12 hours after I had given birth).  I think the main issue I have is that they don;t make much of an effort, but then guilt DH saying that they don;t see us/DD enough.  I also don't trust my MIL...she's made a few bonehead moves that have totally put DD at risk, so that makes things tough.

    I'm very close with my family, and wouldn;t mind seeing more of my ILs, but they are so uptight (my family is suuuuper laid back) that it becomes very stressful.

    This makes me hope that baby #2 is a girl, so that I never have to be the MIL (because it's just not the same with girls) 

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  • philosoraptorphilosoraptor
    Well, if you have to see them at all (lol), I think it's better that they live nearby so you can tell them to leave when they get on your nerves. Otherwise, you'll have to put up with them for days at a time instead of hours.
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  • mieuxmieuxmieuxmieux member

    I love my MIL but she pisses me off. And it really pisses me off that she doesn't see K very often but when she does she annoys the hell out of me.

    But I would rather have her around more often because I want K to know her grandma. I always felt like my grandma put all her other grandchildren before me and my siblings and she never made the effort to see us, and I don't want K to feel that way. I would rather be annoyed so K can feel loved by her grandma.

    If it got to the point where she was overstepping, like you said your MIL walked in the room while you were pumping, we would have to do something because I would not be okay with that. Visiting is fine, but she needs to have some respect.

    ETA: I would NEVER let any of my IL's stay with me. They would have to stay in a hotel. My mom has stayed overnight before because it is a 3-4 hour drive to her home, but she is very respectful of my family and would never overstep our boundaries. I would make my siblings get a hotel room too.

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