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3rd Trimester
I never thought I could 'hate' anyone till.. (LONG)
my DH came home.... This is long so if you don't have the time to listen to a whinney person, you probably dont want to take the time to read...
Last night's issues: He came home telling me that he decided to tell his work what he would not be taking maternity leave because he didn't think we could afford it. (yes we have been having financial problems, but nothing we can't handle. We are still making all the bills, and have everything for LO and alittle more) NOW, he works for his PARENTS, and they give PAID maternity leave. He just wouldn't make as much as if he was there working. But in his mind he felt he was being selfless to work instead of being there for US. So, make a very long story short..... things did not end well. He proceed to tell me I was a bad mother and his family thought the same thing from the beginning.... and a whole bunch of hurtful things. Thats what he does when he gets defensive.. its not good I realize that, but I thought it would change.
Today's issues: When DH got home from work he started in on me about it again, and I of course being a women I have all day to think through everything that was said and dwell on it. So I was a little flaming already, I get that, but as soon as I decided to defend myself about why I actually wanted him home because who knows what will happen, c-section, or anything I would need someone to help me and the LO. He just went in on me being a lazy ass.... Oh forgot to mention I am on bedrest... so yes maybe he feels like I am being lazy but I CAN'T HELP IT. He is yelling at me telling me this that and the other but really tops off the whole thing... He said maybe I shouldn't be here for you anymore anyway, who knows the kid probably isn't mine anyway...I MEAN WHAT THE HELL. WHERE THE HELL DID THAT COME FROM. I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING TO MAKE THAT EVEN RELAVENT. Seriously, who just throws that into an arguement no matter how mad you are about something. Yes I made him leave after this and I have no idea where he went but I could not have someone in my house that was going to act that way and make me more and more upset.
I know we have issues, I really do know that. But I have tried everything in my power to help fix things cause I know I can't fix everything unless he is willing to help. But I literally can't take this anymore. I just don't know where to go from here or what to do next. I don't think anyone here can magically fix this but I just wasn't sure where else to get this all out at. I can't really talk to my family about it anymore cause they really don't like him or how he has treated me from the beginning of our relationship. So, they are pretty much over it and just wants me to leave him anyway. I can't stop crying, sobbing really.... I am sorry to put this on you ladies but I just really had no where else to turn at this time. Thanks for listening if you made it all the way through. 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I never thought I could 'hate' anyone till.. (LONG)
Wow, I am really sorry this is happening to you. I don't really have any advice other than to suggest counseling. If your husband won't go, at least maybe for you to try to help you work through this.
I'll be thinking about you.
I am so sorry. Men can be such d-bags. My SO and I are going through really bad problems too. The only advice I can give (and wish I could follow through with myself) is that if he treats you this way now, it probably won't get better after the baby comes. And it will be much easier on everyone involved if the split-up happened before the baby came. Obviously, I don't know the whole situation, and maybe these things are completely irrelevant.
I am really sorry for you and I hope things work out for the best. You are in my T&P. If you want to PM me sometime we can talk more. GL with everything and try to relax.
M/C Dec 2010 - 5w5d Missing my sweet angel baby.
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...Wow... Well I would ask him to move out for a while go to his parents b/c that kind of stress isn't good for you and the baby. If his family really doesn't like you that much than they will probably have no problem letting him stay there. I would also look into some professional help for the 2 of you, b/c honestly it will probably just get worse when LO comes into the world.
I hope y'all get the help you need, GL!
i noticed you said family business. My husband works for his parents and it is a nightmare if the business isn't doing well one month they give him less wages or even none (like 3 months ago, we had to sell some of our furniture to buy food) we went to counseling and now have a plan to get out from the family business it is going to take a while but we are working toward a goal together. Maybe a councilor will help if he is open to it.
Don't worry you will always be able to find someone to help. I am on my own so hoping i don't have a c section my parents are in England, but my neighbor is amazing and is helping.
Before I say this I'm SOOO biased because I have a bad relationship with my ILs but it sounds like they are putting these thoughts into his head. Not Cool,
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this right now.
It sounds like your DH is ridiclously stressed out with everything and reacting very poorly and attacking you. I would try to give him time. I don't like going to bed if me and Red are fighting, and try to resolve it before either of us can sleep. If its a really bad fight and something that couldn't be resolved immediately, and if he is acting out that bad, i would have left the house until things cleared up.
IMO, there isn't much you can do to calm him down. Some guys freak out when the baby is almost born, and its usually about irrational things (like the baby isn't his..) If he is impossible to talk to considering his mental state, i would try to be as peaceable as possible, and let him figure out things. Maybe leaving him a voicemail saying, "i love you DH, and i am just as scared about this baby coming. I need you with me right now. Call me later when you want to talk"
this. ?can you bring it up to him safely? ?Do you even feel safe at home? ?Sweetie, I'm so sorry. ?People react really bad during times of stress, but with a newborn coming, stress wlil only get worse and I fear for your sanity and your baby. ?T&P to you. ?
First, I would definitely suggest counseling either with him or without him. Second, you don't deserve to be attacked about the paternity of your LO or told you are a bad mom because he is upset with you, that is totally uncalled for.
DH and I did some marital counseling a few years ago because of his issues with working so much. One of the things I learned is how ingrained the importance of working to take care of a family is for a man. If you guys are having financial problems already, I could totally see with a LO on the way, where this is a major area of stress for him. He may just be doing what he thinks is right and his responsibility as a father by declining to make paternity leave (even you said he will make more if he keeps working - it's not like he's salaried and brining home the same amount either way). Men and women are wired so differently when it comes to what they feel they need to do to take care of their family. This is a major area where counseling could help you both learn the perspective of the other and how to compromise on his working.
That being said, you don't deserve to be verbally attacked because he is stressed about taking care of a family. He needs to learn ways to better handle his stress.
i'm sorry this happened. maybe we can blame the "blue moon"
my dad left my mom after 20 years this past monday and i dont know. it's been a rough week for us too.
i know an older woman with 2 kids between 16 and 18 and when she was pregnant with the first the man she was with told her the same thing, that it probably wasn't even his kid, and like you, she'd done nothing to make that relevant.
i wish you luck, don't stress yourself, i'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
I really appreciate all the great encouraging things that everyone has said so far. I am at a serious loss with this. I took a long hot shower to try to calm down and as I was in there I came to a realization that yes I am scared shitless about what is to came and yet so excited I can't wait any longer for my baby girl to be here. I know he must be scared but the one person I should be able to count on is flaking out on at the worse time (in my eyes)which scares me even more.
I can't understand what makes him say the things he says and I can't understand how I am supposed to get over them. That said I have a very tough decision to make. I have to figure out what is best for everyone in this situation. I need to weigh the benifits in working it out or doing this alone. I just feel like I don't have much time to figure this out since I could have her anyday now really.
But.... I do want everyone who has responded to know that I really appreciate everything that was said!
You poor dear. My ex and I used to have similar-sounding fights... He never handled even the slightest criticism well. He'd lash out verbally at me whenever I expressed any type of unease or discontent about his actions. He would turn everything around on me, making every problem about how I wasn't good enough so that I eventually started believing him... He liked to make unfounded accusations against me, never trusting me, so I'd have to work extra hard to convince him otherwise... He was a very manipulative man, but it took me quite a long time to truly realize. I had terrible self-esteem as a result of his treatment of me. And it took 2 years and a network of friends and family telling me I was nuts to allow him to treat me how he did before I finally left him. And I'm so grateful that my friends and family were there for me through it all and so supportive even when I was blinded by the head-games he played.
Is this a typical way he reacts to fights with you? Or do you think this argument is a fluke due to the stress of this life-changing event on the horizon? If the fights are usually along the same vein, you can expect it to continue. In my experience, the way a person handles conflict and relationship problems rarely changes... And relationship problems don't disappear when you have a child - the problems will still be there, and will likely get more difficult to overcome. Ultimately, no one deserves psychological abuse on any level... So if he's harming your feeling of self-worth, I couldn't encourage you to stay in that situation.
That being said, I prefer not to give relationship advice, simply because I certainly am not privy to the whole situation, so my best advice is don't avoid the support of you're family and network of friends, because I can tell you that whatever course you take, whether you and your husband find a way to work things through or not, your family is an amazing support system to have. They would want to be there for you, I promise.
Good luck and take care of yourself...
Best Wishes
Jen