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Need advice... Please weigh in

Vessel7373Vessel7373
in 1st Trimester

I'll try to make this short but it's a little complicated.  DH and I are expecting our first after a long struggle with IF.  His two older brothers' wives were each expecting and one just had a still birth 2 months early.  This happened the same day that we got our first ultrasound and started telling just family and some close friends.  We told my family first and then found out about his older brother's baby that died.  Because my family and his family cross paths a lot (they all live near each other and share some community groups/activities) we are worried about waiting to tell them because we don't want them to be hurt that we didn't tell sooner.  And even though we've asked my family not to tell we are worried that it might slip.  We want to give BIL and his wife, not to mention the rest of the family, time to grieve but we don't want to cause another problem by not telling.  Help?!?!

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Re: Need advice... Please weigh in

  • gymnst1013gymnst1013 member
    That is a tough situation.  If your families didn't cross paths, I would say hold off for a little but, but since there is a very real risk of them finding out anyway, I think I would tell them.  Maybe start with your MIL and FIL and ask for their opinions on how to tell BIL and his wife.
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  • kellielea79kellielea79

    imagegymnst1013:
    That is a tough situation.  If your families didn't cross paths, I would say hold off for a little but, but since there is a very real risk of them finding out anyway, I think I would tell them.  Maybe start with your MIL and FIL and ask for their opinions on how to tell BIL and his wife.

    I think this is a great suggestion.  GL!

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  • drewiekcdrewiekc

    Have you spoken with your BIL and SIL since their loss?  I definitely dont think it would be the FIRST thing I'd tell them, give them a bit to greive and to know that you are greiving for their loss too.  But if you have already started telling other family and friends, I wouldnt wait too long.  I'd probably just broach it like "our hearts are hurting for you and the last thing we want to do is add to your pain, but we wanted you to know that we are expecting" and just explain that it's early and you're cautiously excited, yada yada yada.

    Having dealt with IF myself, and being pretty close with a number of other girls who are dealing with it, I know how hard it can be to sort of "break the news" to others who are struggling.  Good luck!

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  • meggiejomeggiejo
    First, I am so sorry for your family's loss. I can only go from my personal experience in this situation. My SIL found out she was pg as I was recovering from my 1st miscarriage. She told everyone but me. She didn't want to upset me by telling me, but it broke my heart to think she wouldn't include me in their sharing. I was happy for them while sad for myself. I definitely think you should tell them before they find out from someone else!
    BFP #1: DS born 11/07 BFP #2: m/c @ 8w 5d d&c
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  • kg_08kg_08 member
    toughie. i think if it was me i would wait. your family should realize how delicate of a situation this is, and keep their mouths shut. i think you should wait a little while to allow grieving time.
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  • jpowell3jpowell3
    My heart goes out to your Bil & SIL. That is a tough situation. They will be grieving the loss of their child for many months and this is something that will stick with them for years. Honestly, it may not matter if you tell them now or in a month, either way this will sting for them. I'm sorry I have no advice for you but I just wanted to give you that to think about.
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  • KatieLWKatieLW
    I'd also suggest waiting just a bit. If your family is aware of what happened I'm sure they won't bring up your pregnancy. But I agree with above - it's going to be hard no matter what.... just give it a little time first though...
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  • Redlass13Redlass13
    This is a tough one.  My hunch is to hold off and even if someone spills it, don't worry about it.  Allowing some time for grieving is always a safe bet.  I'm sure later they will understand why you didn't share.  Timing is everything.  If they're hurt, well then, I think that would be a pretty selfish stance to take considering your BIL's horrible loss.
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