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TTC After a Loss
I'm ready to change my FB status to announce my miscarriage
Everytime I think everyone knows, and I'm feeling ok about things, someone will say something about my being pregnant, I have to tell them about my miscarriage, and I feel like I'm starting the grieving process all over again.
This morning when I was leaving work one of my coworkers who I hadn't seen in a while commented on my "bump" in front of a bunch of people...I had to awkwardly announce that it wasn't a baby bump, just the result of a too many nights sitting on the couch stuffing my face with cookies.
My current FB status is about being glad 2009 is over and looking forward to better days in 2010. One of my aunts commented, "Next year you'll need a babysitter for NYE!". She lives out of state, so I haven't seen her since this summer, and I'll be honest, I really let the rest of my family spread the word about my m/c...it is possible that no one said anything to her, but it's just like being punched in the throat...I won't need a babysitter next NYE.
So now I'm sitting here crying, thinking of who else doesn't know...I am so ready for this year to be over.
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Re: I'm ready to change my FB status to announce my miscarriage
Oh, I'm so sorry. Untelling is the hardest part. I would definitely toss up a Facebook status to tell the world. In fact, I have. 3 times. This year. I never felt guilty about it. Be prepared to not get a lot of responses- nobody knows what to say - but it's a quick and easy way to get the news out to everyone.
I think with our first m/c the status was: "Sorry folks, our announcement was premature. F__ #3 will not be making an appearance as expected."
With the second: "Fuglei 3.1 = Microsoft FAIL. On to v3.2."
With the third: "Never thought this could happen three times in one year. !@#&^#&#^"
It was helpful for me to be able to vent. And to know everyone knew. I got notes privately from unexpected places and that, too, was helpful support.
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TTC #1 since 7/08 After 3 years, 2 losses, 3 rounds of IUI, and one round of IVF, we finally have our dream come true! DS born 7/30/11
TTC #2 off and on since 7/12
So I sent my aunt a message telling her what had happened, and this was her response....
I am so sorry for you guys. I thought it was early when you announced it. Next time, hold the news for a few months just to avoid this kind of thing. When i got pregnant with E, no less than 8 of my friends had had miscarriages, I just sort of assumed that everyone had one at first. E surprised me, no miscarriage but 8 weeks early. Guess they get you one way or the other.
Ummm....screw you?
1) I thought it was early when you announced it. Next time, hold the news for a few months just to avoid this kind of thing. As I've mentioned a few times on the board, I got outed very early at work d/t the fact this has been a bad flu season. Not outed by choice, out of necessity. Silly me, I thought that if I was forced to share the news with coworkers, I should share it with family, too! Definately not telling anyone until as late as possible next time, had already planned on that, but trust me Auntie, you will be among the very last to find out.
2)When i got pregnant with E, no less than 8 of my friends had had miscarriages, I just sort of assumed that everyone had one at first. I hate when people's response to your loss is to tell you all of the people they know who have had one. That is not comforting. And who assumes that "everyone" has a miscarriage? Way to trivialize what's happened to me. Thanks.
3) E surprised me, no miscarriage but 8 weeks early. Guess they get you one way or the other. Yeah, not the same thing. Not even close. Yes, she was premature, but fast forward 14 years and you have your healthy daughter in your arms. I have 4 u/s pictures of a baby who was actively dying at the time, and nothing else.
I am so mad right now. At first I was sad, but now I'm furious. I've always hated her husband (my dad's brother), but I've always tolerated him because I really loved her. This response just saddens/disgusts/infuriates me on so many levels.
I had my first and hopefully only pregnancy that ended in m/c this year that I announced and had to send a retraction on FB this year, then I had 2 car accidents one after the other. I am so excited about this year being over!!! Its tough but in the end you can't start the healing process with people still in the dark! Good luck, big hugs!
That response by your aunt was majorly insensitive. And you know, why don't you tell her so? Not in a b!tchy or angry way. But just let her know that hearing about other women's losses only makes you sadder--because you KNOW what they went through. And that your aunt's experience, difficult as it may have been, was not the same.
People just want to relate to this, for whatever reason. I had a very close friend compare her unwanted c-section to my miscarriage, with no irony. I didn't call her on it because I know she is genuinely sad for me and was trying to be comforting. But maybe you'll feel better if you do say something.
Baby Boy Smudgie born 10/4/11
<a href="http://s837.photobucket.com/albums/zz298/triple_sevens/?action=view
BFP#1 Kaitlyn 11-17-04
BFP #2 Matthew pPROM 23w5d 06-03-07, b/33 weeks 8-6-07, d/10-15-07 SIDS,
BFP #3 m/c 8 weeks 2/20/09, BFP #4 m/c no hb 6w4d, m/c 9w4d, D&C 11w2d, BFP #5 C/P 12/18/09 after BFP- 9dpo
BFP #6 Samantha- 11-9-10
BFP #7 4/20/12 21 DPO beta: 2382 29 DPO beta: 23000! HB 6w2d 116 bpm due Christmas day!
This Momma's Journey
~Today I am pregnant and I love my baby~
My mom has asked that I not respond to my aunt's message until she's had a chance to read it. And I think that's a good idea, I've been awake for almost 24 hours so my mind is fried, plus I'm all temper....my mother is much calmer, and she doesn't work nights...it'll probably be a good idea for her to read my response before hitting send, but just for opinions sake, here's what I have so far.
I really should not be responding to this until I?ve had a chance to cool down, but I really need to say this. For what it?s worth, I never intended to tell anyone about my pregnancy so early. When we started trying, we had actually planned on waiting until the 12 week mark to tell people, just to avoid this sort of thing. However, due to a bad flu season, I got outed pretty much immediately at work. It?s pretty much impossible to keep a pregnancy a secret when all of a sudden I start refusing patients who presented with symptoms of H1N1. So Matt and I figured if my coworkers were in the loop, there was no sense in keeping it a secret from family. You?ll notice we didn?t call you, though, or any of the aunts and uncles, cousins. We still planned to just share the news with parents and grandparents until I was 12 weeks. We actually asked them to keep it a secret, but Grammy shared the news on her own. Even though I wasn?t thrilled that she told everyone - besides the fact we asked her to keep it a secret, this was our big news to share - I figured that worst case scenario, if anything happened at least we would have the support of everyone who knew. Telling me to ?hold the news for a few months next time to avoid this sort of thing? is anything but supportive. I could?ve shared the news the day I found out, that it not what caused the miscarriage. You can be sure the next time I get pregnant, though, flu season or not, we won?t be telling anyone until it?s physically undeniable. And please don?t compare Es premature birth with my loss. I can?t even imagine how terrifying that must?ve been, and I hope I will never have to go through that. But when it comes down to it, 14 years late you have a beautiful, healthy daughter. 14 years from now all I will have is 4 blurry ultrasound pictures of a baby who was actively dying, that I will never get to see, hug, know. As scary and awful as that must?ve been at the time, your end result was a healthy child.