My post that disappeared (BM's games...)
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 Our miracle has finally arrived!!  | |
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12-26-2009 at 11:44 AM | ||
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12-26-2009 at 11:50 AM | ||
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 "I want to be somebody's Gerry." - P.S. I Love You | ||
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12-26-2009 at 12:12 PM | ||
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Our miracle has finally arrived!! | |
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12-26-2009 at 11:44 AM | ||
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12-26-2009 at 11:50 AM | ||
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"I want to be somebody's Gerry." - P.S. I Love You | ||
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12-26-2009 at 12:12 PM | ||
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Re: My post that disappeared (BM's games...)
I still think you need to enforce a CO and be firm about these boys visiting on a regular consistent basis. Regardless of what they say and do once they are in the hands of their mother - they are his sons and he needs to make the time to be with them. They are not old or mature enough to decide on their own if they are that easily manipulated and brain washed by their mother and your DH has no hope of any kind of adult relationship if he allows this to continue.
When she calls and emails with the drama, cut her off. Hang up on her. Say, "I'm sorry. Can you call me back when you can talk to us in a more civil tone? Good bye." Record all conversations. Save all emails.
Don't play into the drama. They do it because it works. It's hard. I know. But somehow you and your DH need to get back some control over their visits.
I have to say this...Hayden is ADORABLE!!
I sort of agree with j+k. When BM calls you and is screaming, do what DH and I do... "When you are going to speak to us like an adult, please call us back" and HANG UP. And you may have to do this multiple times (God knows we do! haha). But it will get the point across... and it will show the boys that you guys will not tolerate that kind of behavior. Its worked wonders for my SD in seeing that... she no longer feels that she can scream and yell and that we will listen.
I don't however agree with enforcing the CO with children that old. Not only will they be miserable, they will make your lives a living hell... and do you really want that negativity and potential violence in your home? We allowed my SD to start making her own choices at the age of 12. She didnt want to come to visit us. When she did, she would steal/be violent/and just make the environment all around hostile.
I just hope and pray that the boys will some day realize it... But I think that you need to put Haydens safety and needs ahead of them. You won't change them. If they were little kids, absolutely - but at teenagers/late teens, no way in hell.
Good luck Serendipity.
PS - Hayden is absolutely beautiful. He has gorgeous eyes!
I can see why you're frustrated with the situation.. everything seems very no-win at this point.
I don't know your entire backstory--how long has your H been separated from his kids? Has the mom been the CP the entire time?
It sounds to me like at this point, nothing anyone does is the right thing. If your H wants to be with the kids, it's bad timing according to themu/BM. If they say they want to come there, it's bad timing for you/your H.
Pretty much all teenagers are extremely self involved.. the world begins and ends in their heads and within their circle of friends and whatever. I can kind of see how things are hard from their perspective. If they want to do something and are told no, they don't understand the logistics and adult issues. Even if BM is putting them up to things, I'd imagine that it's still a confusing message, kwim?
It's hard to know what the right age is to stop enforcing the CO. For a normal kid, I think 10-12 is old enough to say they do or don't want to do something. But in this case, maybe it allowed for miscommunication between them and their dad?
In any case, I really feel for you and your H. I can't imagine how frustrating and difficult things are.
I would call her bluff one of these time...it's not nice to play games and I understand your husband wants to be upfront with the boys...but sometimes you have to give dishonest people a taste of their own medicine (meaning BM, not SS...as she's the one orchestrating the whole thing and uses the kids as puppets for all her games).
For example, I would NEVER tell the SS (and basically BM...since I'm sure he shows her the emails) that you cannot afford a plane ticket for Christmas for him. I'm sure she just does a happy dance when she sees that, knowing the child support she's getting is really draining you guys. Though it may be true, I wouldn't give her the pleasure of knowing that...it only makes her feel more powerful and like she has your husband "by the b***s".
Instead, if she has your SS request that you guys pay for half the ticket, say ok...go ahead and pay for it and send SS out here. We'd love to have him! You said it yourself...she's not gonna do that anyway and she's banking on you guys to say what you said....we don't have the money and it's a short notice. That way she can say: hey, I offered and they declined....again. That's how she makes herself look good in front of her sons and further alienate your husband from them. Call her bluff. Tell her to send him out. You'd love to have him NOW. If she's not gonna do it, let her explain to her son why she put a stop to it, when she was the one who originally suggested it.
And - if she follows through...then, great....you'll see your SS, your DH will have time to spend with him (although mayble only in the evenings, since he will have to work and it'd be too short of a notice for him to take time off, like you said), but it's better than not seeing his boy at all. And the plane ticket?....Since the BM will pay for it (like she said) and you're suppossed to give a half to her....don't tell her in advance, just agree to it, but pay in installments monthly. She won't be able to do anything about it. You'll send her $20/month until you have your half paid off. Ha!
Be d***s to her, just like she is to you. That's sometimes the only option with people like that.
I disagree with J+R about the visitation and letting them decide for themselves because I believe that they whine and act the way they do because they know that's all they have to do to get their way. And if I remember correctly, once you had the boys for a few weeks, they came around and actually enjoyed themselves didn't they? You went to a lot of hard work to keep them entertained, to bond, and to make their summer enjoyable, and there is absolutely no reason why you can't continue to do that.
They have to know that during such and such at time...that's time with dad. Period. And football camps, and other stuff like that, will have to unfortunately be bypassed or handled in some other way. Football is temporary. Family is forever.
Thank you all for your responses - a lot of good info/ideas! I agree and disagree with certain things - but of course that's the beauty of throwing things like this out there and getting feedback, so I do appreciate all of it. This is a consistant convo that DH and I have and hash out in different ways - he does want to do what's right by his kids and do what's right for our household as well (i.e. safety issues with the threats, etc) - it's difficult and frustrating and I know he loves his boys very much.
It's just a really difficult and SAD situation all around. At every turn, it's like damned if we do, damned if we don't, ya know? That's what gets so maddening about all of it.
(and thank you for the compliments on my LO - he is such a great baby and we're having such fun with him and being parents together - so far it has been a wonderful experience in every way!)
I understand you and your DH are in a really tough position. It's easy for me and others to tell you what to do, but you're living it. I hope things work out.
It's just so sad. Yet another ex who has made it their mission in life to make the ex's life miserable out of bitterness...and the children ultimately pay for it.
That's THE biggest issue, too j+k - BM does not see how all her craziness/unstability/lies/etc negatively impacts the boys on a daily basis. She doesn't care - she denies it, she thinks she is seriously the BEST mom in the entire world and everyone else is the bad guy. She's a martyr in their eyes - if she told them to jump off a cliff, they would. They lie for her and see nothing wrong with it - and she rewards them for it.
BM thinks she's ultimately hurting US by doing this - yes, DH is very hurt at what goes on and the things that he can't have more control of on a daily basis BUT, she won't destroy "our" family (BM would LOVE it if DH and I would divorce and although that has never even been a thought or issue for DH and I at ALL, I think BM thinks if she causes enough drama that it will hurt "us". DH and I are as strong as ever in our relationship and marriage - it's their kids that are suffering from her everyday actions.)
This. Or drive and pick him up. 6 hours isn't fun, but it's certainly cheaper than a plane ticket.
I think I would have forked out for the plane ticket. Not to p!ss BM off, to have a chance of bonding with SS going forward. I know it sucks BUT he is still a child and it is not his fault your DH has to give BM so much CS. I know he is rude and unappreciative but he is a product of his environment, one your DH helped create, after all he chose to procreate with the woman.
Yes and no Phantom - You're right, it's definitely not SS's fault about CS or anything like that. He is still a child, yes.
As far being rude and unappreciative - DH didn't help create that. These kids weren't like that until BM and DH were living quite a distance from one another and their step-dad was in the picture fulltime. These kids did a COMPLETE 180 and all of mine AND DH's attempts at stopping the behavior have been futile. Why? Because they live their daily life with BM and that is what's acceptable at her house and there's no reprucussions - BM let's them be completely out of control and nasty. She thinks it's "cute" and she buys their love with constant, expensive gifts - their life was NOT like that prior to her and DH divorcing.
Yes, DH obviously chose to procreate - but I think we all know we're in very different places in life when we're 19 vs 36yrs old too.
Believe me, if it were as easy as biting our tongue to fork out $1,000 or more for a last minute plane ticket over the Christmas holiday then we would. But A- we're sticking to the CO and it's NOT our Christmas with them, it's BM's and she'd find a way to make an issue about it later on and B- We do NOT have that kind of money to just "fork out" - that's a LOT of money that we were not planning on at the last minute and we have another child who has to be cared for as well. We won't be putting a last minute, unplanned, expensive plane ticket on a credit card either because we wouldn't be able to pay it off right away.
The next time we're due to have my SS's is President's Day weekend and Easter. So we're looking ahead to that now.
(ETA: J&A - DH can't make a 12hr round trip drive like that due to his recent back surgery- I won't be making the drive by myself either because I have the baby and he doesn't need to be in the vehicle 12+hrs and DH can't watch him because he can't lift him yet AND has to be at work on light duty-DH can't take leave on such short notice - we don't get 10 days off like the kids. Again, BM knew it was an impossibility even if money wasn't part of the issue - she knows how the military works and that DH just had back surgery.)