BFFs without kids going MIA. Anyone else experience this?

jilicious · December 2009

Hello ladies!

Is anyone experiencing a dip in friendship interactions with close friends due to your pregnancy? I don't really need any advice, just camaraderie, I guess. It makes me sad but I don't know if there's anything to be done.

One of my closest friends hasn't been around at all since my BFP back on 8/20, except for one "movie night" in October, which was just her watching Cheri at my house until the credits rolled, then she was up and out of there like a bat out of hell.

She's a bit younger than I, unmarried, looking to stay in college for her master's and she and her boyfriend still enjoy going out and partying on the weekends. So I completely understand we're in different places. But I feel almost like I have the plague. We used to get together every weekend and drink wine and hang out all evening but I think she doesn't want to hang out without a glass of vino on her weekends, which I can understand. I've told her I don't care if people drink around me to no avail. We've tried several times to get together but she always cancels. She texts to say she loves me and misses me but never pulls through when it comes to hanging out, so I just stopped trying.

I'm not sure if I'm doing the right thing by not trying, but she did this to another friend when that person found out she was pregnant too, and I feel like my attempts will just be accepted and then later cancelled like always. It's discouraging. Anyways... just wanted to talk about that I guess, with people who could understand. It makes me sad but I'm not sure if there's really anything to be done; it seems like the natural progression given the circumstances.

Anyone else have a similar experience?

Shannon11/3 · December 2009

Yup - my step-sister and BFF has totally gone missing. We have spent every New Years together for the past I don't know how many years, and she hasn't even called or asked what we're doing. Granted, if they're going bar-hopping we wouldn't go, but it would still be nice to be asked, kwim? She's been completely MIA since she found out. She didn't ask nor seem to care what the sex of the baby is, and she never asks me anything about being pregnant, which is fine - but she has stopped calling otherwise, and I don't bring up being pregnant at all since she seems to have no interest. She's also in a different place - my age, but unmarried, living with bf, and enjoying going out and drinking, which is fine - but that's never what our friendship was based on anyways. We spent a lot of time just gabbing on the phone.

So yes, I know exactly how you feel, and whether or not it's a natural progression, it totally sucks. I'm still me, pregnant or not, and I'll still be me, even when I have kids. But it's like I'm a leper. ::sigh::

tinktink20 · December 2009

I have had similar experiences. What I've found is that it shouldn't be hard to be friends with someone. And you can't chase people. You're not alone and I totally understand you trying to save a friendship, but it sounds like she isn't really into it. Wait and see if she makes a move towards getting together. Make her come to you. Good luck!

Alyssa102 · December 2009

Yes.

Ever since I announced my pregnancy to my friends in Sept. I have been spening less and less time with them.

However, I was VERY sick 1st tri and really had no energy to go out. As of late I have been spending more nights just hanging out with them before they go to the bar then I would go home. (I have no desire to go to a packed bar, where someone could accidentally knock me in the tummy)

I completely understand what you are going through, and your friends may not get it until they fall pregnant themselves.

It sucks that your friend has plans and cancels them with you, I would ask her why.

jilicious · December 2009

Shannon11/3:

Yup - my step-sister and BFF has totally gone missing. We have spent every New Years together for the past I don't know how many years, and she hasn't even called or asked what we're doing. Granted, if they're going bar-hopping we wouldn't go, but it would still be nice to be asked, kwim? She's been completely MIA since she found out. She didn't ask nor seem to care what the sex of the baby is, and she never asks me anything about being pregnant, which is fine - but she has stopped calling otherwise, and I don't bring up being pregnant at all since she seems to have no interest. She's also in a different place - my age, but unmarried, living with bf, and enjoying going out and drinking, which is fine - but that's never what our friendship was based on anyways. We spent a lot of time just gabbing on the phone.

So yes, I know exactly how you feel, and whether or not it's a natural progression, it totally sucks. I'm still me, pregnant or not, and I'll still be me, even when I have kids. But it's like I'm a leper. ::sigh::

Thank you for replying and for sharing! I guess it's mean to say misery loves company because it sucks to feel this way, but yeah, you've described exactly what's up with me and my bff. ::sigh:: is right.

ka2005 · December 2009

It's pretty typical. Really, if you are not having kids or on the verge of being married and having kids it is just not fun to be around you anymore, lol. Take it for what it is. Accept your friends for what they have to offer. After you have baby and want a girls night out, vino included, you will know who to call!

nln883 · December 2009

Yup, only mine started going MIA soon after I got married (and she was a bridesmaid). After the BFP, she has not initiated contact once. I'm not sure what the issue is--she has sworn up and down that she's just "busy" but something more than that is going on. She's several years older than me, but has not been in relationship in a few years. I feel terrible for thinking this, but part of me is wondering if she is a bit jealous, but there's no delicate way of asking that. When I've tried to get together, I almost always suggest the two of us do something, so a: I don't turn into someone who cannot hang out without their SO and b: so she doesn't feel like a 3rd wheel, but she always ends up cancelling on me. It definitely makes me sad, but at this point, it's starting to make me angry as well. And that's definitely not good for whatever is left of this friendship. So yeah, I know how you feel.

jilicious · December 2009

Alyssa102:

Yes.

Ever since I announced my pregnancy to my friends in Sept. I have been spening less and less time with them.

However, I was VERY sick 1st tri and really had no energy to go out. As of late I have been spending more nights just hanging out with them before they go to the bar then I would go home. (I have no desire to go to a packed bar, where someone could accidentally knock me in the tummy)

I completely understand what you are going through, and your friends may not get it until they fall pregnant themselves.

It sucks that your friend has plans and cancels them with you, I would ask her why.

That's cool you're spending time with them before they go out! I would have no desire to go to a bar whether it was packed or not, LOL. I'm like "unless that is a food bar, I'm not going."

I know why she cancels, she makes plans and then I bet as the night draws closer she thinks "Hm, I could sit around drinking iced tea on a Saturday night or I could go out on the town." and then boom, plans are broken.

jilicious · December 2009

ka2005:
It's pretty typical. Really, if you are not having kids or on the verge of being married and having kids it is just not fun to be around you anymore, lol. Take it for what it is. Accept your friends for what they have to offer. After you have baby and want a girls night out, vino included, you will know who to call!

I jhave other nonmarried friends without kids who still hang out with me. This has been the only friend who has just completely disappeared. I totally understand being in two different places but it still hurts I guess.

T1andT2 · December 2009

Yes, my BFF is even DS's Godmother and we don't see her or talk much.

But she is single, busy, works, coaches, runs with her company team and has a BF across the country....add that to the busy life, schedule of a pregnant Mom and toddler....there isn't much free time left! Much less free time that matches with her free time!

FemmeNat01 · December 2009

I had that happen with a couple friends. I dont even talk to them at all anymore. It's their loss. If they cant handle me being pregnant, then they arent worth the trouble.

I understand though. It does hurt. Now, some of my other BFFs have really come together for me for this pregnancy and I am grateful. None of us were at a stage in life where we expect to have kids now so this was a real surprise. They are doing wonderful with it though.

MrsEricH · December 2009

Totally, except this happened after I got married. My absolute BEST friend, she's like my sister, practically fell off the face of the earth. She lives in NYC (I'm in southeastern CT) so it's hard because she's not local, but even so- no phone calls, no emails, no facebook posts... NOTHING. I tried a handful of times to get in touch with her and let her know that I miss her, but barely a response. I was really hurt and angry.

I did meet up with her briefly when she was at her parents for Thanksgiving (I told her then that I was pregnant), and have since established some more frequent contact with her, but I feel like I'm still an outsider. *Most* of my good friends are single... and here I am married and pregnant.

It sucks.

Shannon11/3 · December 2009

ka2005:
It's pretty typical. Really, if you are not having kids or on the verge of being married and having kids it is just not fun to be around you anymore, lol. Take it for what it is. Accept your friends for what they have to offer. After you have baby and want a girls night out, vino included, you will know who to call!

See - I completely disagree with this statement. Why isn't it fun to be around me anymore? Because I have a belly? Because I was NEVER a big drinker, so it's not that our hanging out has changed all that much; we rarely went out drinking. I don't talk about being pregnant with her, and I don't complain about pregnancy woes. So why is it that now it's difficult to pick up the phone?

Sorry, but that statement got to me. Part of me agrees with the other poster, that maybe some people who drop us pg ladies are jealous that we're in a place in our lives that they aren't at, and maybe hoped to be at but aren't close to yet. No matter what, it still sucks to lose someone who you have been close to your whole life and you hoped to share this with, but instead they can't seem to stay far enough away from you.

ericndarcy2009 · December 2009

I'm guilty of being the friend that goes MIA for my previously pregnant friends. I felt bad for it, but I was younger, and the main focus of my life at the time was going out and having a good time a.k.a drinking, etc. (not hard core or anything but def. every weekend).

It was hard for me to relate to my pregnant friends and I didn't invite them to go out with me because I was partaking in activitiies that are off limits to them. I've never been into babies, had no interest in babies, and didn't have one clue about pregnancy. There were only so many questions I could ask before I ran out of things to say, and i felt like they wouldn't care about what was going on in my little life because, hello! they were doing a much better and awesome thing with their life by growing a baby!

I also think you're right. The two of you are in very different positions, and it may be inevitable that there will be some drifting.

niki731 · December 2009

Luckily my BFF and I are 5 weeks apart so it's nice. I think it's pretty common though.

ChristinaD09 · December 2009

I've also been in the position of your MIA friend It was really hard on me once I realized what had happened to our friendship and frankly it took a long time to heal the friendship. At the time, I remember feeling like she must not want to hang out with me anymore, more than thinking that hanging out with her would be boring. I think the most important thing you can do to try to prevent your friendship from drifting apart is to make an effort to really reach out to her. I'm sure she does want to spend time with you, but doesn't want to feel like she's intruding on you and your new life and baby obsession.

MWoodside · December 2009

Yes. It doesn't bother me really though. Honestly before I was pregnant mostly when I got together with girlfriends it involved going to have some beers and staying out late. I have no interest in that now & I was SICK until mid-15th week. I am aware of my current lameness. I am sure we will connect more after baby is born, but I don't have delusions that it will go back to how it was b/c it won't.

jilicious · December 2009

ChristinaD09:

I've also been in the position of your MIA friend It was really hard on me once I realized what had happened to our friendship and frankly it took a long time to heal the friendship. At the time, I remember feeling like she must not want to hang out with me anymore, more than thinking that hanging out with her would be boring. I think the most important thing you can do to try to prevent your friendship from drifting apart is to make an effort to really reach out to her. I'm sure she does want to spend time with you, but doesn't want to feel like she's intruding on you and your new life and baby obsession.

I tried for four months!

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