Dealing with an emotionally abusive ex?

Mominator · December 2009

Any advice for me? I just feel like things are sprialing out of control with the ex. Every day he becomes more and more angry with me and says just the most godawful things, things that no human being should ever say to another. Last night was the icing on the cake when he kept calling me at work (I work in a restaurant, so no private line or anything) until the point that I eventually broke down and they had to send me home. He watches our kids while I work, so I feel like sometimes I just need to suck it up and deal with his abuse, because I have no alternative care and can't work otherwise. Other times I want to tell him to go to hell and just figure out some other way to make it work. But how can I do that? How can I let go? He makes idle threats against me and my family because he knows that it will upset me, he talks down to me, it is just all in all jut not a good situation, but I just don't know how to deal with things anymore.

nbjenni · December 2009

Get a small voice recorder, record several conversations and file a restraining order against him. Or, you could try ignoring - do NOT pick up the phone when you see his calls, don't answer his texts, simply don't talk to him.

lnbohac · December 2009

If he is saying all this stuff to you, what is he saying to your kids? I'm pretty sure he is not a "model parent". . . For their sake, and for your own mental wellbeing, start doing what you can to find some other place for them to go when you have to work. You DO NOT want your kids to grow up thinking it is ok to talk to people the way he talks to you.

fauxshelley · December 2009

I do not speak to my ex, unless it is absolutely necessary. I actually sent him an email telling him not to call me, and only to communicate through text or email. I can handle just about any crap he wants to say to me (and I did for 11 years), but when he started saying horrible things about our son (that kid can go to hell, I don't care if he is my son, ect) I had to draw the line. I have found that if he has to type out his words, he is much easier to deal with.

After our blow out on Christmas day, I sent him an email and cc my attorney (not bcc, because I wanted him to see it) telling him he was not to step foot inside my home again. I told him that if he did, I would have him escorted out by the police. In reality, I probably wouldn't do that, but I won't let him know that. Hopefully he will keep himself in check.

I second Jenni's advice too. This is something I should have done and I regret not doing it. It would have it a lot easier to get him out of my life.

ETA - You should also find alternative care for your children. What do you think the kids are doing when he is harrassing you while they are in his care? They are either listening to the entire thing, or they are not being cared for properly. Find another sitter NOW.

nbjenni · December 2009

I know that when you exchange the children, or have to meet in peron, he'll probably try talking to you. Just say "that's nice, dear" or "how thoughtful" to the lame azz stuff he says. Don't let him see how irritated you are; he'll only continue.

achase123 · December 2009

I agree with ppl. You may be able to get a restraining order. My ex used to call my work and now he knows that he won't get through. The receptionist just told him that I was in a meeting whenever he called and finally he got the hint. If he calls your work and you answer-hang up immediately. Let your coworkers know if he calls to not put it through to you. And I agree-find another babysitter ASAP!!

romarie · December 2009

Thisis the first time I have seen this board so the first times posting...but I'm newly single due to this reason exactly! I have so much respect for you for being able to put up with it as hurtful as he is. You have to remember this is HIS way of dealing with his issues adn insecurities is to make you feel worse about yourself. That way he thinks he is the better person between the two of you.

I have heard sooooo many horrible things that it would make you sick. My final straw was telling me the "biggest mistake in my life was marrying you". Fine, I'd had enough and it was a mistake I could fix for him.

YOU need to remember you are the better person. You are strong, brilliant and beautiful!!! Ignoring them doesn't always work. I've tried. You need ot get to the point that you pity HIM because of how useless he is. These are HIS issues!! I can NOT stress that enough!!!

Please page me if you ever need to talk. I have been through physical abuse in the past (not with him) and emotional abuse with him. I honestly couldn't tell you which is worse. The bruises go away, but the words never will.

Sending you bigs ((((((HUGS)))))). You deserve them!!!

meghan_marie · December 2009

Sweetheart. That's not healthy. It's not healthy for you to have to deal with the emotional abuse and it's not healthy for your children to see what kind of a toll it is taking on you. Kids are not stupid, they can pick up on things easily, they know you are upset. Get someone else to watch the kids. A friend, a family member, someone. My cousin's daughter Pacee' wont even call her mom "mommy" anymore because her loser XH somehow convinced her that she shouldn't call her mom "mommy" and that her name is Tiffanee'. So Pacee' (4) now refers to her as Tiffanee' and "stupid" and a "whore" and a "***" and just about any other horrible name you could possibly think of. Can you believe it? A 4 year old has learned from her scumbag abusive father that it is okay to treat people like that. Do you want that for your kids? Do you want to be treated like that from your own children and your XH? Get them out of that situation, get yourself out of that situation.

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