Adult sibling rivalry with my in-laws (long)

lms_bride · December 2009

Ok, this is random, and not totally SAHM-related but I thought it would be most applicable on this board... my pregnancy hormones make me impatient and irrational (shocker). My brother in law (DH's brother) and his wife are talking about TTC starting this coming June. Currently they both work and do very well financially, and most likely my SIL will go back to work because she's starting to think that she is not the SAHM type. Their house is much larger than ours, they spend a lot of money on pretty much everything, and basically just have your typical childless, its all about us lifestyle that many of us used to have.... so as they are approaching baby-making time, I am feeling myself start to dread it. I am alraedy anticipating the gorgeous nursery furniture they will get, how everything will coordinate perfectly, the new car they will be "forced" to buy, and basically how its all going to be new, expensive, and perfect... its just the way they are. My husband does pretty well and thank goodness we can afford for me to stay home but nothing in our home is particularly showy and our son's bedroom is Storkcraft, PBK clearance, etc. I guess what I am saying is that I am already jealous of what I think they will do/have and we are not even there yet. I have other friends who have more money than us and it doesn't bother me when they have nice things but for some reason my BIL/SIL drive me nuts with this stuff... as a side note, I am an only child so have never had "siblings" until them, and they are my only ones.

Thoughts? Does anyone have *any* experience with anything similar? I know I am being petty and I don't think of myself as a materialistic person but I am really struggling with getting over my jealousy/pettiness with them. I don't think I show it with them and only my husband really knows I feel these silly feelings.... and it comes up all the time, its just that the baby thing will be the newest occasion for them to spend buttloads of money and then talk about it.

Thanks for listening and I hope I don't sound like a complete loser...

J+O · December 2009

You just have to get over it. You need to be happy for them, and you need to be nice. There is no special answer, it's plain old jealousy and you just need to grow up.

vicnik · December 2009

Wow.....all I can think of is this....there are so many people out there who cannot afford neither Storkcraft nor PBK clearance. At our church, we have an annual clothing drive. People are lined up around the building for hours waiting to collect 'gently used' clothing for their babies and children. Some people have lost their jobs, have lost their homes, and don't know where their next meal will come from. When you start thinking of how 'perfect' their nursery and other material things might be....start thinking of how 'perfectly' blessed you are to have a healthy child, a roof over your head, food on your table, a husband who loves you, a child who loves you unconditionally, your health, familiy, transportation, and on and on and on. I'm sure you have a lot more to be thankful for. And while counting your blessings, send a small prayer out to those to who don't have the true necessities in life.

And for the record, I don't think you're a loser. You just need a HUGE reality check. Best wishes.

KdCarr21 · December 2009

I myself can't afford pbk... I also can not stay home with my son. I work 12 nights three nights a week so I work 36 hours a week. But I do not have a sitter. So I consider myself a stay at home mom.. unless he is sleeping My son and I are attached at the hip. Do you know that I sleep every other day.. not that that is your problem... but I really wish you do get a reality check because their are others that don't have it as nice as YOU! Please be thankful for what you have not what you Don't have, and that your child is Healthy! I work at a Children's hospital.. and tonight we lost a ten day old baby.. Please tell those parents your are jealous of what you don't HAVE!!! I am not trying to be mean but I aslo don't have any sypmathy.

pinksweetpea2 · December 2009

Jealousy is never attractive and is especially not attractive when you are an adult. It is even less attractive when it is over material possessions- things.

I would keep this to yourself and try very hard to get over it. Don't be that person.

littlemermaid · December 2009

Your feelings are very normal. Don't let anyone on here make you feel bad. Everyone has feelings of envy and jealousy within them. As long as you don't show them, then that is all that matters. But remember not everyone's marriage is what people see from the outside. Maybe they buy those things for themselves to fill a void. So be happy that you can stay home with your child and don't play into your SIL saying "she's not the sahm type", maybe she is and maybe she's not but maybe because of all of their material possessions she is forced to work to keep up their lifestyle. You never know, deep inside she may be jealous that you get to be with your child all day.

lms_bride · December 2009

Thanks all. I appreciate the candor and I do think I need a reality check sometimes. I'm not sure how I got to my place of sometimes ungratefulness but it is not pretty and not who I am... also, thanks to the last poster for being compassionate.... I need that too. You're right, my SIL may/may not be the SAHM type and I support her either way. I am mostly going off of what she said recently because she has been rethinking staying home full time with their children. I need to do less thinking about them and their "stuff" and more being grateful for my life and my family..... all food for thought.

tabi_ja · December 2009

I think one thing that many pps have overlooked is the fact that you're pregnant. I know that my emotions were ridiculously out of whack at that point. I had a friend (well, DH's friend) that I suddenly couldn't stand to be around. He wasn't doing anything in particular to upset me, I just didn't like him anymore. And when a friend of mine called to tell me she was pregnant, too, all I could think was, "but it's my turn!"

My guess is that these feelings of jealousy will subside a little while after your LO is here. I can now hang out with DH's friend again, and he doesn't bother me at all. I've seen my friend's new son, and I think he's adorable. Re-evaluate your emotional state when your LO is about 8 weeks old. I'm betting that you will feel a lot less jealous.

GL!

saragus · December 2009

Whenever I get jealous, I remember that things are NEVER as they seem. People present an image to the world and the reality is usually different. I have at least two friends with gorgeous new houses and both have made comments that they are really strapped and have NO extra money. What happens if someone loses their job? I'd rather have our small condo that we can afford on one income and not worry about spending 10 bucks at Starbucks.

But I get what you mean. I have one SIL who is very competitive regarding houses, kids accomplishments, appearances, etc. I have started to feel sorry for her because she just never seems happy. I would chalk up your feelings to pregnancy hormones and just try and forget about BIL/SIL's "possible" future plans.

NerdBride_D&D · January 2010

littlemermaid:
Your feelings are very normal. Don't let anyone on here make you feel bad. Everyone has feelings of envy and jealousy within them. As long as you don't show them, then that is all that matters. But remember not everyone's marriage is what people see from the outside. Maybe they buy those things for themselves to fill a void. So be happy that you can stay home with your child and don't play into your SIL saying "she's not the sahm type", maybe she is and maybe she's not but maybe because of all of their material possessions she is forced to work to keep up their lifestyle. You never know, deep inside she may be jealous that you get to be with your child all day.

I think everyone gets jealous sometimes. Like littlemermaid said, as long as you aren't letting those feeling show, it's normal. Keep working on being happy for them, or at the very least, not being a jerk to them until this feeling subsides. And you seem like you know that it would be crappy to make something out of this, so just try to let it go as best you can.

I guess what the other posters were trying to do with their reality checks, was give you some perspective. But personally, I hate when people do it that way. That's like telling me, "You know, people are dying of AIDS every freaking day!! How dare you complain about having a headache when people are DYING out there." Their comments make it seem like you should personally feel the responsibility and guilt for people not being able to afford things. Psht. I guess those other posters never, ever ever ever complain about one little thing, because you know, someone else out there has it worse and it would be belittling to their situations for them to complain. *eyeroll* Sorry to hijack your post for that, but that is one of my biggest pet peeves.

Want a personalized experience?

Adult sibling rivalry with my in-laws (long)

Re: Adult sibling rivalry with my in-laws (long)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards