Struggling with emotions (warning: long)

anangelbug · December 2009

Below is a post that I posted on IF earlier tonight (where I started posting and posted during IVF)... I had a very tough day and lost it tonight. How is it one minute I can be so very excited about adoption and then the next wondering how can I ever do it and let go of never being pregnant with our biological child? What is it like not being pregnant and just bringing home someone else's child one day....Instant parents. I would love to hear from you ladies about your experiences. Did you have trouble accepting the move to adoption, does it get better, does it all change when you hold your adopted child...so many questions, so many emotions. Are these emotions and fears normal.... does it mean I am not ready for adoption? I feel like I am, the thoughts create butterflies and excitement. I guess in a perfect world I would love to do both, biological and adoption.

On a happier note, I bought three books today:
The Complete Idiot's Guide to Adoption (2nd edition)
The Complete Adoption book (3rd edition)
Secret Thoughts of an adoptive mother by Jana Wolff (DH let me read him half this book tonight... great book, I don't want to put it down, but he needed to shower and get ready for bed, but he made me promise not to finish reading it without him

Earlier post I posted on IF:

IF is winning the battle, I am losing.. (long pity party)

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I hate this. So much. We have been seriously discussing and looking into adoption (I took a break and have been mostly lurking since my BFN). If we do more IVF that would most likely mean a surgery and the money is an issue and then the 32-45% odds of it working (I may not be able to do surgery due to past surgeries). Or we could put that money towards adoption (we are totally OOP and not wealthy people). Age is becoming a factor as I am now 40, 41 in August. So... got really excited about the adoption thing but wow...I cry alot, I hate all the baby annoucements and new born pics on FB (hate is the wrong word, jealously, longing... something like that), whenever I go out it hurts seeing pregnant people, I look at kids and I see if they look like their parents. I went to the mall today and accidently walked by the materninty clothes and started crying...went to the bookstore to get a book on adoption, guess where the adoption books are located.... in the parenting seciton mixed in with all of the pregnancy books. I came home and saw all of the twin announcments here and REALLY started crying... how does one ever become ok with the thought of never having their own child. Do these thoughts mean that I am NOT ready for adoption?

I don't want to live life hatefull and bitter, that is not me. I don't know what do do. I don't want to be sad anymore, I don't want to cry all the time and feel sorry myself. God I hate this sh!t and this pain. Why why why. Why me, why us, why is it so expensive... Will the why's ever stop and go away? As I was growing up I always knew I wanted to get married and have a family... hell I aspired to be a stay at home mom. Never in a million years did I think that I would be sitting here one day at the age of 40 faced with the fact that this may never happen for me. I have to now try to put on a normal happy face before DH gets home

So, I will throw out some questions, maybe even post them seperatly later:

What motivated you to keep going or to stop and move on or give up?

How did you afford IVF (especially those that have done multiples)?

How do you remain somewhat happy and functioning and not fall apart?

I have so many more questions but I realize I'm just rambling.. just trying to get it all out and make the sadness go away. I feel hopeless. I feel like pregnancy and childbirth never happening for me is going to destroy me and make me a bitter, unhappy women who spends the rest of her life down in the dumps, wishing and wanting for things I can't have.

Vent over. Thanks

Cissi64 · December 2009

I'm not sure I can really help you but here goes. We were told about 15 years ago that IVF was our only hope and we couldn't afford it...no way, no how. We chose to move on and adopt, explored adoption and adopted three through foster care. We never used birth control but I did take Provera to regulate periods. There was always a bitter sweet longing for that biological child but we fell in love with our kids immediately and even had to fight the system a bit to keep them once or twice. (reunification is not always in the best interest of the child). We became a family, not the way we planned, but a family none the less. On my 40th birthday I decide to stop the Provera due to side effects. 4 months later I realized I was pregnant (at almost 8 weeks...It didn't register that I hadn't had a period..duh). Our youngest daughter was born healthy and happy 1 week before my 41st birthday. We thought we were done and figured we wouldn't get two miracles in one life time. We didn't. I have had 4 miscarriages in the last 2 years. I would love to adopt again but DH is against it.

I won't lie and say that loving our bio child and our adopted children is the same. It is different! We don't love the adoptees any less and there are different reasons to love each child. I keep telling people on the TTCAL and MC/PL boards to consider adoption if things don' t work out for them. Adoption makes you just as much a mother and a family as birth and in some ways more so. You have to work so hard to adopt (emotionally, financially, spiritually) while pregnancy is more physical. You create a family through adoption with thought out effort and purpose while most people take conceiving and giving birth for granted and some even fall into parenthood accidentally. I think you almost appreciate the adopted child more because it takes so much thought and effort to get them.

Jessie*J · December 2009

Wow, I truly can't offer much insight but I wanted to say that it was a difficult decision for me to let go of trying to get pregnant. We learned in 2007 that we both suffered from medical issues and IVF was probably the best option for us ... something we couldn't afford. I couldn't imagine spending all the money on just the "hopes" of getting pregnant.

We did try some procedures with our doctors. I ended up altogether taking 16 rounds of Clomid, trying an IUI with my Dh's sperm, and trying 2 rounds using donor sperm --- but nothing worked.

In Sept 2008 we decided to pursue adoption. We've had a rough road with the adoption agency who did our HS. We've had long waits over stupid things and just now in Nov 2009 got approved to adopt.

Wanting to get pregnant is still apart of me. I still yearn to feel a baby inside of me and get to experience all the things that go along with it. (We were very blessed in 2005 as we were able to get pregnant one time and we have a 4 year old daughter now). But we're always going to struggle with our medical issues.

We hope to eventually adopt (it seems like it will never happen lol) and we know that it will fill the void of not having another child ... but the void of not being pregnant won't go away. We'll still fight to get pregnant until it actually happens, if it ever does again.

I'm sorry you're having a hard time making the decision to switch over to adoption. I truly hope you all find out what's going to be best for you all. I am 100% behind adoption and I do encourage it, especially to my IF friends who have been trying as long as we have. Don't give up hope on having a bio baby, even if you all decide to adopt.

Hugs and GL

Temp206787500007404 · December 2009

I was a mother the moment I dedicated myself to the adoption process and started the paperwork. My babies began growing in my heart that instant and I considered myself pregnant. My daughter has made her appearance in this world and is home with us now, but my son is still growing in my heart and in his birthmother's belly.

I would be lying if I said I don't have the desire to experience a pregnancy. But the difference is that I would like to experience a pregnancy, not have a biological child. My children aren't someone else's, they are MINE.

I hope you can come to terms with your decision -- the books you bought are wonderful in helping you make decisions to decide on your adoption path for your family! If you aren't getting some already, I would HIGHLY recommend some counseling. It's very important that you properly grieve your IF before you move on to adoption, or you will be doing yourself and your husband and your future child a very large disservice.

Best of luck to you sweetie!!

Jermysgirl · December 2009

I can't imagine loving another human being as much as I love my darling daughter. If people love their biological children more than I love DD, I can't imagine how that love doesn't burst their hearts. The thing is, when you adopt, you do have your own child! I have a good friend who adopted her son and then did IVF and had a daughter. She said there is no difference in the way she loves them. In her heart, her son is as much her child as her daughter...she sees no difference. Our daughter is our daughter. She's the light of our lives and the love of our hearts. When we were in the process, everytime we were shown to a birthmom and not chosen, I knew in my heart that it wasn't our child. And our daughter couldn't be more perfect for our family.

It can be really hard to give up the idea of having a child who shares physical traits of you and your husband, and you should allow yourself time to grieve.

Amy720 · December 2009

I'm so sorry you're struggling. IF is so emotional and so is the decision to adopt. We tried for 4 years to have a biological baby. We did injectibles and Clomid and IUI's (all BFN). We then decided to adopt. My brother is adopted and I've always known that it's a wonderful way to have a family. We went through the exhaustive home study and applied with agencies only to be matched and be scammed and have to cut the match. We were so sad because we already thought of that baby as our baby.

We then decided to try for a bio. baby one more time through IVF. The doctors said I had about a 70% chance of having a baby at the end of it. We had to do 2 FET because of OHSS and I had a chemical and ectopic pregnancy. Finally, I had a long talk with God (which I should've done to start with) and felt like adoption was our choice to have a family. I still had 7 frozen embryos, but we decided to update our home study and try again. I threw everything away from the RE's office (old appt. cards, directions, syringes, and all the meds) on the day our son was born. The next day we got the call to come and pick him up from the hospital. We drove 12 hours to be there the next morning. The minute I held him all the heartache went right out the window.

I would've loved to be able to get pregnant, but above all else, I wanted a baby..someone to call me mommy one day. I don't know how I could love a child more than my son. He is perfect for our family. He's bi-racial and he won't look anything like us, but I don't care. We will have to talk to him about some issues that most families won't have to deal with, but we'll get through it.

I just want you to know that in my experience the adoption of our son cured me of my longing for a bio child. I often say that I'm glad I didn't get pregnant because then we wouldn't have Ben. God knew the plan he wanted for us all along and it just took me some time to accept it.

Good luck with your journey!

sh4602 · December 2009

i knew since i was 7 years old ( yes that young) that i would have a hard time getting pg. i did want to try which DH and i did with donor eggs and we gave it a fair shot and moved on.my dad was adopted and i never missed being pg. i was excited through the adoption process.

goro28 · December 2009

The second I saw my son's referral picture, I became his mom. It was as simple as that. Did it heal the wounds of IF? No, nothing will. But you will get to a place where it isn't a raw, festering wound. I still get a little stab of jealousy at other's BFPs, but it's more of a conditioned response now. To hear my friends that have had IF issues and biological children, they still get that reaction too, so giving birth is not a guarantee that it would go away.

517butterfly · December 2009

I wish there were magical words that would make it all better but there aren't. Both IF and adoption can be completely draining. We TTC unsuccessfully for almost 3 years and had 2 failed placements before we brought Abby home (the second failed placement was incredibly difficult as we parented for 4 days before the BM revoked the papers). Throughout our journey I have cried until I didn't think I could cry anymore. But now that I am a mom, words cannot describe the awe and love I feel towards my daughter. There is nothing that I wouldn't do for her and I couldn't imagine loving a child anymore whether they were bio or adopted. My hearts overflows for this little girl.

That being said, I still grieve not getting to experience pregnancy. My sister is currently pregnant (and wouldn't you know she got pregnant on their first cycle off bcp) and there are times that it is still very hard. She wanted me to listen to the heartbeat on the doppler at Christmas and I just couldn't. I told her that I would talk about baby things anytime she wanted but to please understand that I couldn't handle pregnancy talk (when she first got pg she asked me tons and tons of pg questions since she figured I know from TTCing for so long). Having to have a total hysterectomy makes it difficult too. When I went in for my pre-op I had to sign a consent form stating that I understand that the surgery would "render me permanently incapable of bearing children." I almost had to leave because I had such a hard time signing it.

Anyways to get back to the point...It is completely natural and healthy to grieve IF. Will the pain ever go completely away? Probably not. Will it get easier? Yes, with time. What you are feeling is completely normal. Let yourself experience the emotions and the grief. I hope this helps. ((Hugs))

ColoRxGirl · December 2009

I'm so sorry you are struggling with this pain. I totally understand where you are coming from and don't have much to offer that PP haven't already written.

I will tell you that after giving up on IF treatments nearly 2 years ago that the pain does lessen with time - just like it does with any loss. That being said, I still have times when my sadness over our losses is overwhelming. DH and I watched the movie "Up" the other night and there's a scene (spoiler warning) where the main character and his wife actually lose a pregnancy and appear to be told they won't have children (heavy stuff for a kids' movie, huh?). I had a complete breakdown and started bawling.

But, I have learned that my desire to be a Mom and my desire to be pregnant are two wholly separate things. I will never carry a pregnancy to term (5 MC was enough to cure me of wanting to try again with or without medical intervention). And I'm still pretty bitter about it. And I don't feel the least bit guilty about that. I'm entitled to a little anger and sadness over the topic. After two years, it's pretty manageable and doesn't interfere with daily life - but, then again, I don't go to baby showers and wax nostalgic with others about their pregnancies and new babies and such.

As far as the "Mom" desire, I still feel pretty confident that my elation after placement will take the edge off my despair over my IF.

I wish you peace.

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