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Success after IF
my parents exhaust me (long vent)
today i had to stop by my parents' house to take care of some paperwork. and my mom asked when i would be 12 weeks, so i said tomorrow. she then asked when i would be telling the rest of my family. i replied by telling her that i would tell my grandmothers on friday. she not only questioned why i had to wait until then to tell them, i explained i had an appt on tuesday and wanted to make sure everything was ok, and that we wanted to tell my local grandmother in person and this was the earliest we could do that.
she then asks when i would be calling my aunts. i have NO relationship with my mother's sisters. i see them at family events maybe once a year and call them to say thank you if they send me a card for a holiday or birthday. that is it, and not for lack of effort on my part. lately there has also been some ridiculous family drama including one of my mother's sisters and her h saying unfounded things about mh and my marriage not lasting. so i just told my mom i was not planning on calling them and after i spoke to my grandmothers she was welcome to tell anyone she wanted.
well she flew off the handle. ordering me to call them and saying i am the child and she is the parent and i should do as i am told. i didn't take to kindly to that just said goodbye and went home. shortly after arriving home my father calls me also "ordering" me to call my aunts saying that i was to "do as they said." so i hung up the phone on them. at this point i was really upset and just went to lay down to calm down.
well then my mother started calling my house obsessively, and i was just very shaken up at this point. and started to feel anxious and felt an anxiety attack coming on. mh answered the phone told my mother that this was ridiculous that we were adults and she was making an ordeal over nothing. she flew off the handle with him and then drove over to our house to tell us we are the most disrespectful awful children that have every lived.
after her storming out of our house she calls me again to scream and yell at me some more at which point i just say "fine give me a list of who you want me to call, this is just not worth it." which led to another 45 minute lecture about how disrespectul and awful mh and i are. let's just say mh and i never say no to my parents and do a lot for my family.
i then also had to endure a 20 minute lecture from my father about what a terribel disrespectufl person i am and how i just need to do what i am told.
if you read this far, thank you. i am just fully exhausted and seriously want nothing more to do with my parents. and i have to say i was really looking forward to telling my grandmothers and now i just don't think i am going to. i mean i will eventually but certainly not this week. i am a 31 year old independent woman. i do not want to be treated like a child. if my parents felt strongly that i have to call my aunts to tell them i would have gladly discussed it with them as an adult.
there is no talking to them, they are right i am wrong. i deal with stupid stuff like this with them quite often just today i couldn't deal with being ordered to do something especially with the malice my aunt and uncle have spewed in my direction as of late. i sometimes wish i could be one of those people who could just cut of her family and not ever look back.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: my parents exhaust me (long vent)
Wow. That is horrendous. Your mom and dad are behaving like crazy people. That is NOT normal behavior. Again--wow.
Have you ever given any serious thought to moving? If your mom shows up on your doorstep to yell at you about something like this, honestly, I'm a little bit afraid for you about how she is going to react when you don't do as she says after the babies are born.
This is stress that you don't need and should not have to deal with. You tried to do the right thing by ending the converstations, but she kept up in attack mode.
I hope that things get better. I know you are venting. . . and I would too. Dear heavens. (And, from what you shared about your aunt, the insanity is shared by the sisters!) My thoughts are with you!
Shipoopi. Listen to me. Carefully.
No matter what has gone down in the past - and how dutifully you have done as you were told - you have to stop. Immediately. Because you are having two babies, and are going to be a mom, and can no longer be ordered around by others. Because it WILL affect your babies, and you and your husband are their protectors. And so at 31 - expecting two babies - you have to decide you are DONE. BUT - that means you have to let the chips fall where they may. And let people act TOTALLY EFFING INSANE like your parents just did - and scream and yell - and rant and rave - and you STILL have to stick to your guns.
(ETA: And if sticking to your guns means calling 911 on your mom if she shows up on your doorstep again screaming and raving - so be it. You can no longer allow people to treat you - and your husband - so horribly.)
Next - you have two little "chips" in your belly. These are very, very valuable chips. EVERYBODY is going to want a piece of these chips. But ... they're yours. All yours. Somebody wants a piece of your twins, er, chips ... they have to go through YOU. VERY politely and respectfully. Or .. they get no chips. I am in no way suggesting you use your children as pawns! Or that you put dip on them and serve them at a party. I am only telling you that people - like your crazy mom and dad - are going to want to hold and hang out with those babies. But they only get to, if you let them. So I'd only let them - if they start acting in a much more adult and RESPECTFUL manner - toward you. And I'd start getting the word out now - that anybody who wants to hang out with your babies - better stop acting like an assshole.
Good luck honey. I'm sorry your parents have sucked so bad this week.
"When it comes to sleeping, whatever your baby does is normal. If one thing has damaged parents enjoyment of their babies, it's rigid expectations about how and when the baby should sleep." ~ James McKenna, Ph.D., Mother Baby Behavioral Sleep Center, University of Notre Dame
Married 8.13.2005, M/C 12/8/06- 5 weeks, M/C 2/27/07- 7 weeks, M/C w/ D&C 8/10/09-6.5 weeks *Charles Lawrence born 5/2/08 @ 3:14am, 7lb 8oz, 20.5 inches. Clomid, Crinone and baby aspirin. *Alexandra Claire born 9/14/10 @ 9:52am 6lb 14oz, 20.5 inches. Femara, Crinone and baby aspirin.
thanks for your support ladies. we have seriously considered moving away, it's just not feasible for us right now but definitely something we are considering in the next few years.
mh and i have discussed how we want our children to have limited or no exposure to the craziness and volatility. i am def guilty of just giving in to my parents and doing whatever because it is easier. i mean who wants to deal with this level of conflict? as of late it has definitely been more important to focus on what is best for us, and specifically my health. and we both know once the babies arrive they will be our only priority and my parents will have to "fall in line" if they want to be part of our lives. mh has repeatedly said it will only take one blow up on my mother's behalf for him to cut ties. he has had enough conflict and ridiculousness from them over the years so that at this point it really wont take much.
the "best" part of this is my in-laws are coming over for brunch tomorrow and my parents and sister are supposed to come as well. i have no idea if they will show or not. my in-laws are slightly clueless but generally very sweet and well meaning so i don't even now how we will explain this whole ridiculousness to them!
i wish i could blame this on my mother's hormones but she has been like this my entire life. she is actually much better now than how she was when i was a teenager.
This down to the letter. You are now the Mommy and your babies come first, no one else. Your parents need a rude awakening and I think that time is now. We had to cut my MIL out of our lives for two months at the end of my pregnancy and she didn't get to come to the hospital when Miles was born. That changed her entire outlook on us, life and everything involved with Miles. I am so glad we did it, as hard as it was for my DH (and would be for you). It really helped things in the end. It taught her that we are the gate-keepers and we're adults and what we say goes...not the other way around.
Hang in there. But like Lucy said...please stand up to them. You and your babies deserve better. THEY are the disrespectful, awful people...not you and your DH. ((HUGS))
Wow. I am really sorry you are going through this.
It sounds like your mom honestly has major issues, and you sadly are just in the way of her issues. I would definitely distance yourself as much as possible. This is completely insane, and the worst part is that your dad doesn't balance it out. You could usually hope that your dad could see her craziness, but he seems to be just as crazy. I would not call your aunts, and I would just not tell your parents either way even if they ask you. Call your grandmas when you are ready and leave it at that.
Again, I am so sorry you're dealing with this. You really have to start creating those boundaries for yourselves asap!!
This is great advice, I couldn't have said it better. TRUST me, newborns are hard work, twins, even more so. THe LAST thing you and your DH need is MORE drama/issues from your mom and dad and family. AND on top of that...a multiples pregnancy is very high risk, you do NOT need this stress...have your DH be your gatekeeper if needed, you do not need to be treated this way and yelled at by ANYONE I do not care of their relationship to you. YOU deserve better.
(((HUGS))) cutie
I'm so sorry and can totally relate my parents are very much of the do as your told school and if I so much as question anything it's a war. I wish I could give you some tips about dealing with them but I haven't gotten to the point yet of not losing it everytime we fight. I am the bad child regardless of everything I do for all my family, it's never enough.
Just know I'm thinking of you and your little ones and I'm sorry that the joy you were anticipating with telling your grandparents has been taken away.
more (((HUGS))) and btw I
that ticker.
Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles, It empties today of its strength. ~Corrie ten Boom
Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher (thank you beadinglady)
It's been a long journey. TTC since 9/06. multiple IUI's and IVF's and 4 m/c's. IVF#3 = BFP, twins, induced at 34w6d due to baby b passing away (no explanation). Delivered on 35w1d, Baby A - baby girl, and Baby B - baby boy, our little angel.
MTHFR A1298C & C677T, Immune Issues and Factor II