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I Have a Story for You All:
When I was almost 21, recently returned from my South American deployment, and active duty AF, I knew who I wanted to be. I didn't want kids, I didn't want marriage, and I wanted to travel the world on the AF's tab. I had just bought a Ford Contour to build credit history and later use as a trade-in on a badass Mustang GT. I was in a long distance on-again-off-again relationship with J. I was good with my life.
But life likes to throw you for a loop, and a week after I turned 21, I had my annual physical to stay deployment ready, and got tagged for a random pg test. That came up positive. I was on BC, but lucky me was in that .2%
J & I had a horrible fight, 9/11 happened, a roommate bailed on 3 months worth of rent to leave early for his new duty station, and I had a partial miscarriage. I found myself needing an emergency AF aide society loan to pay for the back rent my roomy hadn't paid to keep my little bit of credit from being destroyed.
When Xavian was born, I lived in base housing, had WIC assistance to help me with groceries while I paid back the AFAS, and had state assistance to pay for daycare. Xavian's daycare bill was 3/4s of my total monthly pay!
When Xavian was 8 months old, I received orders for a deployment to an island in the Indian Ocean. J was scheduled to go to the acadamy a week before I was scheduled to leave, I didn't know my inlaws that well, nor did i trust my mother, and hense had no way to care for Xavian while I was out of the country for 5-6 months. Not to mention Xavian not knowing his primary parent when I returned and the trauma from that.
Because of my situation, I was offered a Humanitarian Discharge. Full honors, full benefits, ect. It was a simple case of changing me from a 6 year enlistee to a four year enlistee. Things happened very quickly (like less than 3 weeks!), and I found myself 3 days before Christmas loading a 17 foot u-haul w/ J's help, and towing my car over halfway accross the country.
I had a hard time finding work in the after Christmas slow down, and at my FIL's suggestion, I applied for Unemployment Comp. I also applied for health care for Xavian thru CHIP, and continued getting WIC aide.
It's very humbling to admit you need help. But that's what help is there for- to help you when you need it. I continued receiving aide of some form or another for 10 months, including pg care w/ Korra (different kind of BC (shot) and still got pg!).
Because I've worn the shoes, I try very hard not to judge. But I think that if you can control some of your circumstances, then you should. Planning to use the system annoys the heII out of me, in most circumstances (this is one of those grey grey grey areas of life), but seeking aide when you need it is the right thing to do.
Anyway, those are my thoughts, and why I probably make some of the opinions I have.
And, as they say, now you know.
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Re: I Have a Story for You All:
I know I agree with this, and I'm fairly certain Pixy does as well.
There is a HUGE difference in TTC when using aid (with both pixy and I had issues with) and getting pg on accident (and ESPECIALLY when you're actively TTA and get pg anyways).
I agree whole heartedly that what she's doing is wrong. It's upset me a great deal, which is one of the reasons I have refrained from commenting on here. I was even willing to say, "yeah, she & her MIL had a big fight and she feels trapped so she said something she doesn't actually mean." But the more and more she posts, the more and more I get irritated.
I completely agree with you Jenni. You did very well for yourself and I'm glad the aid was there when you needed it. That is its purpose, to help those in need. I totally agree though that if you want to TTC you should make sure you can support that child and not need aid. Unplanned pregnancies happen, that I get...but planning to TTC while on aid? no.
Who is "she?"
PPM
I am very proud of you for making the most of a stressful situation and getting to a better place from it.
:: big hugs::
I think there's been a lot of negative attention brought to getting aid because of her choices. I think there's a lot of ladies who post and/or lurk who are smarting from all this because they are in a position where they need aid. I don't want anyone who truely needs it to feel like they're being judged.
I think we're annoyed for the same reasons then. Because when someone plans to hold their hand out, it takes from many who really, truely could use it. Be it gov't housing, the income line for health care assistance, ect.
Jenni,
I completely agree with what you have said. If people NEED the aid then I think they should seek it out.
that's a great story - thanks for sharing. you said partial miscarriage - so did xavian start out as a twin then or something?
i'm so happy everything fell into place for you and that you have the life you have now and the amazing person you've become. ::warm fuzzies::
my bfp chart!
our hippy baby blog
I think you did everything you could, and none of what you did should be a source of shame. You neeeded the help, and that is what its there for. I actually just got an appointment with WIC to see if we qualify. Sure we do okay paying for groceries ourselves, but it would be a HUGE help during the summer when I only work one part-time job to get help with them. And it would be a great help to have a pump paid or or at least cheaper. So I will see if we qualify. If we dont then that is fine too. I dont have any problem with giving people help, but I agree its a completely different thing when someone plans to abuse the system.
One of my friends has a little girl. She dropped her insurance with her first pregnancy so she could qualify for medicaid. She is in a committed (non-married) relationship with the father and they have been together for many years. But because she is not married she can qualify for these programs. So she plans to drop her insurance again with her next PLANNED pregnancy and get on Medicaid. Because in her words "it pays for everything, it would be stupid not to." Ummm okay. To me that is working the system. My mom works for an OBGYN where they primarily accept Medicaid. Oh the stories she has told me.
I hope that I haven't come across as judgmental of those who use the aid. I've had to use it before in the past. It's nothing to be ashamed of if you truly need it.
But it really and honestly pisses me off when people try to have a baby knowing that they can't afford and knowing that they are going to work the system. There are people out there right now with children who need that aid and have a hard time getting it because of people like PPM. The Nestie who posted last night will also make it more difficult if she gets KU again at this point in her life.
I think it is just beyond irresponsible to TTC when you don't have the means, and it's even more irresponsible to knowingly work the system.
Your story was nothing like that. You used aid when you truly needed it. You did not TTC. I think your story is amazing, and I am so thankful that the system was there for you and your son to help you out.
Thanks for sharing your story Jenni.
Right after I was born (my parents were actively NOT TTC, and I know that b/c my mom is a big over-sharer), my parents split up, my dad disappeared for a while, and even though my mom was able to get a job (co-manager of an apt complex so she had free housing), she did take WIC to help feed me as a young child. That was for a limited time (less than a year, I think), while she got back on her feet. So I totally think there are cases where assistance is necessary.
I personally wouldn't TTC if I couldn't afford basic living expenses; and it's annoying that there are many people who abuse the system in this way. But then I wonder -- is it just a generational cycle? I mean, why would anyone think this is ok unless they had seen this type of thing throughout their lives?
Okay I get that she's an idiot and making grossly immature and self/family-destructive moves in her/their lives but I don't understand the benefit of continually bringing it up. I mean yes, there are tons of people who judge people for being on or seeking aid. That's no new concept. I think we'd all also agree that if someone were to judge a book solely on its cover, that too would be ridiculous - therefore, those who judge only on "aid status" are ridiculous and idiotic as well.
But, and Jenni this means NOTHING to diminish or deplete what you've gone through and this is seriously not even about you as you know, I just don't understand what purpose or proactive benefit posting post after post bringing this up and talking about "her" in code is doing.
I mean lets all just say it - We're talking about Pistol Packin' Mama and the fact that she has what appears (because remember we only hear what people care to share) to be ZERO stability in her life, ZERO financial stability, her husband isn't/won't/hasn't found a job, she works 2ish days a week and was going to quit that pre-BFP to be a SAHM regardless of how illogical and unrealistic that is, they live with IL's with whom she has seriously dysfunctional relationships. OKAY! BIG DEAL! You've all be hiding behind code and sending eachother PMs to gossip about this person. We all know who you're talking about and doing this, to me, sounds very sophomoric. If you want to say all of these things (which I think are 150% justified) just SAY IT!.
Pistol Packin' Mama - I believe your choices and actions are those of someone who are very selfish, narcissistic, present-oriented, instant gratification focused, entitled, and not very forward-thinking for the welfare and benefit of your family, financial stability, long term success of your family, availability of care for your children, etc, etc, etc. I live in your state and fund you "choices" through my RIDICULOUSLY HIGH tax dollars and it pisses me off to see you make these choices. I think its something that, while now is done, you should do some reflecting on and really WORK towards resolving why you made these choices and work towards independence and self sufficiency.
I get that this comes off judgmental and it is in some light but you know what, you've made the choice to publicize these details of your life. You've thrown it out there and so now it's up for debate and critique. I don't know you, I only know what you openly share with everyone here.
and to make the ASSumptions Sommer made in her post just irritates me beyond all end.
PPM's post has started a conversation about using aid and raising families. Sommer, until you went on your little tirade there, it was a respectful and healthy discussion and I'm sorry, but you are DEAD WRONG when you assume we are talking about PPM, because I know for a fact that I was not.
I like how she thinks a discussion like this is to target one person. Methinks someone has missed the point of the entire discussion.
Oh was the discussion really about veiling words and talking in code behind people's back right in front of their face? I got the PM too about "who we are talking about" so I'm not so dead wrong that it was who was being discussed. Furthermore, posting a post about "the proper way to use aid" could be construed as elitist and pompus.
Just because someone said what everyone else was too scared to say and hid behind "her" and "she" and whatever doesn't mean its right to jump someone's sh!t and now try to cover your own a$$ by saying "ohhhh, that's not what we were saying!".
This thread and every thread like it discussing in code about other people's irresponsible TTC efforts and the replies that have followed have been pure snark and you know it.
Don't be so 4th grade on the playground hiding behind the slide talking sh!t about someone and then being nice to their face. Say what you mean to whomever you mean it. If you're going to judge me, have the gumption and respect to judge me to my face - not behind coded veiled words.
Furthermore, if we want to be really truly honest - what if your (meaning anyone) business was aired on here? There are certainly people who have publicized their business either through inviting people on here into their real lives or through posts and yet remain unjudged, not talked about in ongoing posts that are directed at them but without coming out and flat out pony'ing up to the facts and name, etc. There are CERTAINLY people who have conducted themselves in a flame-worthy way but remain untouched on here. I thought it was because we just respected people and realized that people are human and err and sometimes need support (which, if you scroll through all of the posts I've ever posted to PPM have been supportive despite my personal feelings about her choices) but apparenly only SOME on here are "protected".
This is plain and simple snark just for snark's sake. I said it how it was (at least for one of the people you are talking about behind her back) and now you want to make me into the villian. Klassy.
I'm done with this. I said my peace which is allowed and now I'm done. If you need a scapegoat for your own poor behavior, that's up to you - you're grown women.
I have NO problem telling a person I have a problem with them to their face. None. Never have, never will.
I'm pretty sure most of this discussion was spurned more by JennTerrell's post (that was DD'd) than PPM. People are talking about WHY they feel the way they do about our current welfare system. You're not the only person here who has ever been dirt poor, Sommer. In fact, there are some on here who are dirt poor NOW. The only difference is that MOST people don't feel like bringing it up constantly.
Honestly, there has been quite a bit of discussion of aid programs here lately. And it wasn't just in response to PPM's posts. I have been lurking in these personal story threads, and it seems to me, that the primary motivation has been a reaction to those that are currently under distressed circumstances and are using aid for that reason. I know there was an undercurrent happening relating to those people feeling judged for seeking aid in a time of need.
There IS a big difference in planning to use aid to make ends meet and intentionally adding to your own financial burden and using aid as a bridge. My guess is the vast majority of the people here recognize the difference.
Regarding PPM, I DID say something to her directly. She has not responded to my question in that post. Had I seen jennterrell's post before it was DDed, I might have had something to say there, too. I don't think people are being as backhanded as you think- I just think there hasn't been much response, even to direct question, hence the frustration.
FWIW, I confronted both directly.
Yes, you did. And, to be honest, you didn't really flame, but raised issue w/ why either individual thought that what they were doing/wanted to do is/was okay. Something a majority of the board (from the responses) agree with. I don't see where you were harsh or cruel.
To add to what Go4 is saying (whom I agree w/ fully), I made this post because of all the bad rap receiving aid has received do to some recent posters. I would never want someone who is in the position where they truely need aid to feel as though they are being judged. Not to mention, many of the upset members of the board are speaking from experience of being in the position of needing aid.
"Her" or "She" refers to anyone who feels that the system is something they can PLAN to use and abuse. And when asked earlier in this post about who "she" is, I responded with PPM. This isn't a post to flame her by any means, but her actions have led to this post. I'm not happy with either of the 2 recent "I feel the need to plan to use the system" posts, and they've really set me to thinking.
And for the record, Sommer, lose the narcism and quit thinking posts are about you. A majority of board members don't even read your posts, including myself.