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Attachment Parenting
I need to vent about things that happened a year ago... (looong!)
As I am coming up on my baby's 1st birthday, I have been thinking a lot about what happened around this time last year that I am still pissed off about...
1st: The hospital botched the circumcision. Not a complete botch, and the doctors all say that he's fine, but they pinched his skin inside of the clasp-y thing somehow - my poor kid was in pain at least a week, and when I called the pediatrician to tell them that I thought something was wrong, they blew me off. The nurse in the hospital said, "Well, there's a lot of blood. But I think its okay." WTF LADY?!?! NOW I know its not okay. I was so out of it and clueless and overwhelmed, I had no idea. I had never seen a newborn's circumcision before. When I called the pediatrician, they never called me back. I had to call multiple times and when I told them that he cried when he peed, they said he was fine. WTF??! He wasn't fine. I hate them all for blowing me off. And if I had the willpower then, or if I had a clue at all, I would have kept up with the issue, but I was tired and clueless, and just didn't know what was going on. And I'm still pissed about it, and I never took the issue up with the hospital, but I think I am going to write them a letter now and tell them that they suck.
2nd: My ILs stayed at my house 1 day after I got home from the hospital. And they sat in front of the TV, tried to hold MY baby, and did a whole lot of NOTHING for 4 days. When they were leaving, they took the sheets off of the bed and put them in the hamper. Not in the washer. In the hamper. The least they could have done for 4 days was turn on the washer. My mom and sister stopped by briefly throughout this time and managed to bring several meals, wash a few loads of laundry, and pick up my house while my ILs did NOTHING except steal my baby from me. There are about 200 pictures of my ILs and baby and none of me and my baby from the first week. This completely pissed me off. I don't even acknowledge those pictures to this day. And my husband had to cook all of their meals while they sat on the couch. My feet were swollen, I couldn't walk, but I would have to get up and do things for them because they couldn't figure it out (like "How do I turn on the coffee pot?" - SERIOUSLY!).
My baby was starving, he wasn't pooping because I wasn't feeding him enough (thank God for lactation consultants who take phone calls 24/7), and he was crying when he peed, and I finally found the strength to tell them to back off by about the 3rd day. Every night, DS and I would go to bed around 9 pm and wake up around 7 am. All night long, DS never cried. He was the sweetest, happy-go-lucky baby. But once the ILs started grabbing for him in the morning, he was upset and impossible to calm for the rest of the day.
So, yeah, I'm still bitter about the whole situation. I hope I get over it someday. In my MILs defense, she knew she shouldn't have been there, but she didn't really know what else to do (uh, get a hotel room!). She still apologizes to this day for being there during that time.
Oh, and I was wearing my nursing tank and a wrap-around sweater (and pants, obviously) the whole time, and my FIL had the nerve to say something about how I was "running around in my bra." That's when I almost lost it. And I don't know if I will ever get over that comment.
And now DS's first birthday is in a few weeks, and guess who is coming to visit?! Fortunately, this time, my MIL has the good sense to get a hotel room. I told my husband when they planned this trip that I wasn't sure if I would be able to handle the visit if they stayed with us. Even though the situation is completely different now, I still feel a little traumatized by that visit. Unfortunatley, my SIL wants to stay with us, and she is the worst of them all as far as houseguests go. Ugh.
I actually love them and they are good ILs, but that experience was really really bad for me, especially coupled with DS not eating enough in the beginning and the circumcision issues. I couldn't focus on him because they were way too in my space.
ICK.
/vent.
(also, I sent them out for 2 crucial items - lanolin and something else PP that I needed (i forget now) - they came back with nothing and said they couldn't find it!!!! My mom had to go to the store for me and get everything. A LOT OF HELP THERE PEOPLE!!!)
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Re: I need to vent about things that happened a year ago... (looong!)
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Seriously, it has been a year and you are still carrying around anger about this stuff?
Why? Your MIL is still apologizing to this day? I imagine you might have been a bit of a contributor to the situation.
Wow. Did the sensitivity gene skip you or something. You would probably tell me that me being angry with the witch nurse that tied me down during my section is wasted too.
She has hurt feelings and is venting about them. Give her a break. Feelings are allowed aren't they?
I don't blame you at all, I am sorry about all of this.
I think the way I would look at it, in order to learn to let it go, is to remember that even people who have raised children and have experience under their belts still make mistakes. sometimes they forget what it is like for a young mom and newborn. sometimes people blank out. they could have been thinking that holding the baby for you all the time IS what you wanted. forgiveness is a great lesson and I do hope they can learn from the past.
regarding the circumcision: that sucks. I found myself 1 year after DS was born talking about how unexpected my pregnancy went: I had a placental abruption, a serious emergecy c-section, a premature baby. for the most part, the doctors and nurses were great, a few weren't. post birth I was also told that DS had a very grave, serious issue with his blood...only to come back later and say it was a false positive.
I found myself pouring out the story again and again and then one day it hit me: I had poured it out enough, it was good to vent, and I had a chance to talk to my doctor about the abruption...and then I felt closure. I hope you get your closure soon.
I think refusing to acknowledge some photographs is dramatic and silly.
D@mn right I'm angry. She caused a lot of hurt and pain and almost ruined the birth of my daughter. She was rude and out of line...patients deserve to be treated like people and not pieces of meat on a table.
But this post isn't about that. This post is about someone who really had a very negative experience and as the year anniversary approaches she is venting about the pain she still feels. Let her vent.
You really think it is silly for the only existing photos of her newborn are of the baby and her inlaws? I would be pretty angry about this too.
Geez, I agree with Hippinski....are you really a dude or something? She had an absolutely horrid experience and regrets that she didn't stand up for herself and her baby! True, we shouldn't hold grudges, but this woman was heartbroken and mistreated during one of the most vulnerable times of her life.
AlisaS needs some sensitivity training....
Because she said so in the OP.
ETA: I left out in what you quoted "for the first week". However, you ask about pictures of her not "general newborn pics" and her baby is a boy so I guess this edit is irrelevant.
i don't think it is unreasonable to feel upset by a life-changing experience that was negative. Sorry, but having a baby is pretty much the ultimate life experience. We all have expectations on how itshould basically pan out.
Some things affect others more deeply than they might affect you. We can't all be as chill and awesome as you are Alisa.
My mother and I are still working on issues surrounding DD's birth and DD is 19 months old today, so I completely understand you. I won't hijack your post by going into the details, but I just want to tell you that I truly sympathize. It's hard to move past certain things and it's especially hard to not feel extremely sad and disappointed when you can't depend on others to help you at a very critical and emotional time in your life. I'm so sorry that the one year mark is bringing up these feelings for you.
I would vent and let go. Just learn for the next time. I am really against RIC so your # 1 is a no-brainer for me. No genital surgery next time.
No house guests with a newborn. none! We helped my IL's with hotels. There is no reason to have a house guest when you have a newborn baby. Unless you're one of those people who have parents that will get up in the middle of the night and help you nurse. Alll of that is just so foreign to me. Me and my baby just needed to be alone.
So realize that about yourself and move on. You thought you knew what you wanted but you were wrong. Not a big deal. Move on.
Are you lost? Seriously.
Talk about misplaced anger...
"When it comes to sleeping, whatever your baby does is normal. If one thing has damaged parents enjoyment of their babies, it's rigid expectations about how and when the baby should sleep." ~ James McKenna, Ph.D., Mother Baby Behavioral Sleep Center, University of Notre Dame
I think it's really common to start focusing on and regretting certain aspectsof your birth/newborn experience at right around 1 year. I did. And now it has faded again. I still have regrets, but...they're fading.
I am so sorry for what you went through. Know that venting is good, it'll take a while, but try to move on as you can.
Wow. You sure that you aren't carrying around some extra anger that's leaking out onto others?
OP vent away. I'm sorry for all you went through & I hope your LO has a great birthday!
ITA. I think the worst disservice hospitals and doctors do to new families is to minimize the importance of the birth and the newborn period. When I think about the OB who did my c-section (I transferred from a MW birth center due to 'surprise breech'), it is clear that it was just another day, another surgery for him - for me, it was life-altering, and I wish that he had paused for 10 minutes to discuss the options. Same with the pedi who pushed formula with an SNS because of 10% weight loss (fortunately I ignored him and spared us a miserable and difficult nursing experience). I wish they would consider the long-term ramifications for the whole family when OBs, LCs, and pedis make decisions in the moment.