Is it time give up on DH (long)?
This is a follow up to my post a month ago... Here are the facts...Dated DH for 3 years, married for 2 years, 34 wks pregnant. I thought we had a pretty good marriage and all of our friends and family did too. 2 months ago he admitted to having an "emotional affair" with another girl after I caught him, he felt she was the only one who understood what he was going through and could talk to. When I asked him if he loved her or wanted to be with her he said no, but that he was unhappy in our marriage and wasn't sure if he wanted to be married to me anymore. At first he wanted to take 5 days apart so he could think, I agreed. Then he moved back in for a week and decided he still wasn't ready to work on our marriage 100% and felt like he was "faking" it with me. We then agreed to separate for 2 months so he could figure out why he did not want to work on our marriage.
I feel that we did have some issues in the past with his lying and need for attention from other women (lots of flirting etc.). He feels that he was unhappy because I was not giving him enough attention/intimacy(sex). I agree that we both needed to work a little harder at those things and give each other more of what we need, but I am willing to try and he is not. I also think that things started getting really bad once we got pregnant although he was the one who always wanted us to start having kids. He began going out all of the time and staying out until 3am, but was always remorseful and would promise to try harder. We also have been going to marriage counseling and individual counseling. Therapist recommended having dates a few times a week which I like bc I get to see him, but are always hard bc I know that we are going are separate ways after.
I really want things to work out, it devastates me to think that he was this unhappy for our entire relationship and I had no idea. I am still in complete shock and very confused as are those few friends and family that know. Issue now is that the 2 month separation is supposed to be over next week and he is supposed to have made some sort of decision on whether he wants to try and work on the marriage. He has been saying that no matter what he decides he wants to move back in to help with me and the baby...do I let him?
I want him to come back, tell me he is in love with me, can't live without me, work on this marriage, and to be a family (wishful thinking). However, I know you can't make someone want to do something. I just don't know if it would be better to just cut off contact with him hoping that will make him realize what he is missing and let me move on, or to let him move in to help with the baby so he can be a part of the baby's life? I know it sounds desperate but I am still in love with him and really wanted to be a family. Right now I am just having a hard time accepting that all of my dreams for our future may not happen.
Re: Is it time give up on DH (long)?
you dont sound desparate. you sound like you are in a really tough situation. i understand how you feel. i am separated and it is really hard with an infant. we separated when she was two months old. it is hard physically and emotionally for me. you have to think about if you can do this on your own. it is exhausting and non stop, financially, emotionally, physically, you need to do it all. can you do that? if not, can you get to a point where you will be able to do that?
marriage is a lot of work. we are working on our issues and im hoping to make it work to be a family. i know exactly what you mean about things changing. i never in my life thought i would be a single mom. but i have my daughter, and she gives me the strength to get through each day. your child will do the same for you. good luck whatever you choose to do. i dont think anyone can give you the answers to that, its up to you, and only you.
I wouldn't recommend living together if he decides to get out of the marriage. I would not be a good situation to live in, regardless of how hard it will be with a newborn.
I am sorry you are going through this. Honestly, for me, it would be over. I could no way give someone that much time to decide on whether they want to be with me or not. And being emotionally attached to another girl - no way - it would break my heart. He's going through something and counseling isn't working. Either you know you want to be with someone or you don't
I am so sorry you are going through this.
I don't know what drew me to this board...maybe out of boredom but I have to give me two cents - sorry! From what you wrote, it sounds like he's freaked out about having a baby. There's no way that he married you ,did the whole newlywed thing and wasn't have a good time with you and loving you. He'd have to be a sociopath to not have legitimate feelings for you and saying vows and committing to you. On the other hand, because of what he's done, I don't think it is unreasonable for YOU to say at the end of the 2 months, this is a list of what it will take to get back into this family and push for more from him.
Having the newborn will put a whole new strain on your marriage and relationship like never before so you two will have to tread lightly and take it one day at a time. Unfortunately, you're not going to solve your problems overnight and when that newborn comes, you're not going to be wanting to give him a lot of attention!
It sounds to me like you're not willing to give up. But on the other hand, he needs to snap out of it and get a reality check that family is the most important thing in his life.
Short answer: Yes.
Long answer: If he was REALLY interesting in trying to make it work, he would be making every effort, putting in his 110%, and not just giving you the sob story run around. I spent 6 years in a relationship that sounds exactly like what you're going through, including the "emotional affair." In the end I realized that every chance I gave him was an opportunity for him to let me down. By letting him treat me that way, by allowing him to disrespect our relationship, I was essentially causing my own sadness, and also telling him that he didn't have to do any better for me because I was willing to accept whatever he was willing to give me, no matter how little that was. You need to realize your own worth. You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to be in a relationship with someone that wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. You ARE good enough. Say that out loud to yourself if you need a reminder. "I AM good enough."
Is being a single mother hard? Of course it is, no one will tell you otherwise. But you aren't doing yourself, your husband, or your child any favors by holding on to something that hasn't been working for a long time. This relationship is past it's expiry date. Don't drag your child through your emotional muck as you two try to pretend to be working things out. Leaving for 2 months isn't any way to "fix" things. Think about it this way: If your car were broken, would leaving it in the driveway for 2 months help to fix it? Would telling it that you would like to fix it, because you really value and care for it help to fix it? Good luck with everything. And don't forget- you ARE good enough.
The opinion I have for you on letting him back in is NO because you are still so much in love with him and it's obvious. What you may find yourself doing is doing everything and I mean everything for him whether or not you want to just to keep him there and happy and that is not fair or healthy to you.
I'm not married but have a similiar situation......I want him so much to be in my life and be a part of the baby's life. I find myself, when he's around that I do everything for him and all he does is take it all in. So lately I've found myself not calling him or texting him and telling him it's okay (even though I'm crying inside as I tell him) he can leave if he wants but to always keep his daughter in his heart and not to forget about her because it's not her fault. I have found that cutting contact has made him think more alot about things. This past weekend he came by and told me that he wanted to be a part of my life and be there with me but he was afraid of me hurting him especially after all the times he's hurt me.
I think cutting off all contact with your husband will get him to realize or even think that you are okay without him and it's going to hopefully make him think of what he has with you. Like the saying goes, "don't know what you got till it's gone" In your case I hope it holds true.
Good luck to you......something like this is never easy.....trust me I know first hand!!!
Ditto all this, im not married but think like a man and he has cheated, physically and mentally. Please dont take that. When men want a break it means that they want to cheat but want to feel guilty for it...Like others have said run dont walk.... ?
YES. The fact that he says he's sorry doesn't mean sh!t. Feigned remorse is how people like him get women to stay with them. Look at his actions: CHEATING, didn't even admit to the cheating but you caught him, didn't want to work on the marriage, said he didn't want to be married to you....I mean what more do you need, really? (I don't say that to be rude, I know it's a difficult decision, but there will be a little one to think about soon so you need to really think about whether this is the type of person you want raising your kid)
In my opinion, cheating in itself inexcusable. I find it ridiculous that he blamed you for his cheating ("You weren't giving me enough sex" etc.) How ridiculous! That's no excuse! Please don't think that you drove him to do that. If there was any problem with your relationship and he cared about you he would have talked to you, not started an affair, emotional or otherwise.
Don't fall for this guy's BS anymore. This is the typical guy who doesn't want to grow up when it's finally time for him to do so. If he has disappointed and abandoned you, don't think he won't do the same to your kid. I have seen this happen again and again.
I think I posted this same response, more or less, to your original post. I will say it again and again, believe me! It would be a VERY BAD MOVE to let such an irresponsible, unremorseful, a-hole continue to emotionally abuse you and possibly do the same to your kid.
I think this is extremely bad advice. You are telling her she should end things with this emotionally abusive husband but ALSO telling her to leave open the possibility of a reunion by playing hard to get? HOW OLD ARE YOU?!!! Tell me you are joking! You yourself are falling into the same trap that we are trying to help her avoid---going back to the guy again and again thinking he will change! THEY NEVER DO. The sooner you realize this the better.