LGBT Parenting
the "Daddy" question..
it's coming.. I know it is. Our little dude will be 3 years old on Saturday and I think the only reason we haven't been asked "why don't I have a daddy?" or "who/where is my daddy?" is because he has a bit of a speech delay. we've talked about it since he was born (before actually.. i practiced talking about it when I was pregnant)..
recently at daycare, they asked him who made his soup for him. he answered "my daddy". he then went on to answer a few other questions the same way.
we've read the books and talked to him about it and practiced it and have done dry runs on various nieces and nephews who have asked if he has a dad.. i still go a little weak in the knees hoping that i'll not stutter and stammer when i answer his questions.
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Re: the "Daddy" question..
We started getting this recently b/c a kid in their preschool insisted that they have a dad and they couldn't have two moms. Carter came home and said, "XYZ says I have a dad, but I told him I have two moms."
We verified that yes, he does 2 moms and doesn't have a dad. We talked about different family structures (his best friend is a single mom, other friends have 2 dads, other friends have a mom and a dad.) We also read the Todd Parr The Family Book and The Mommy Book - which are great.
I have found at this age it isn't about the kids missing that they don't have a dad, but just questioning various family structures. If you are matter of fact about it - you don't have a dad - but have two moms - isn't that cool!!?! he'll probably be okay. We don't make a big deal of it - it just is what it is.
If he is answering questions "My Daddy" you might want to ask him who his daddy is? He might just be assigning one of you (his moms) the role of "daddy" since he sees that other kids have one and he must too.
Good luck!
Ditto 100%. I really wouldn't worry too much about this issue at this point. As a product of a "non-traditional" family, I know first hand that you create your own "normal." My parents divorced when I was a toddler, and were married to my stepparents by the time I was school-age. I don't remember a time of having "a mommy and a daddy," I only remember having four parents - mom and stepdad, dad and stepmom. I remember being in kindergarten explaining my family to friends on the playground - I knew that other kids' families were different, but it didn't bother me at all because my parents never gave me reason to believe that there was anything odd or worrisome about our family. It was our normal, it was my family, and that's just how things were.
So take a deep breath and remember that simply answering your son's questions honestly is enough. He is still young and learns his worldview from you - if you say, "You don't have a daddy, you have two mommies. Some kids have... etc, etc" (the books that 2 brides mentioned would be great for illustrating that), then that is what he will know to be normal, and that is what he will believe.
Not really relevant, but this thread makes me remember my many grade school years of always making two of the mothers' day craft projects and two of the fathers' day craft projects to take home
sahm ~ toddler breastfeeder ~ cloth diaperer ~ baby wearer
To speak to the Father's Day issue. In my class I tell the students that their craft may be for their father, or an Uncle, Grandfather, Friend of the family, or anybody (not necessarily a male) they want to thank for being a special person in their life. We have many kids in "non-traditional" living arrangements (foster care, group homes, living with Gpa/Gma, Uncle/Aunt) and this helps everyone think outside the 'traditional'. The best fathers Day I ever had was when I got a card form one of my students. It realy ment something.
Our daughter asked us, "Hey, why don't I have any dads?" when she was four. Not that she isn't thrilled to have two moms... it's just that someone told her we're supposed to come in matched pairs, so she was curious about those missing men.
We started out with a matter-of-fact "You don't have any dads, Sweetie. You have two moms, and we love you very much. When you have more questions, we're here to answer." A few days later, she asked how Ariel and Prince Eric had a baby. We went with the very simple, "Ariel's body made an egg, and Prince Eric's made a seed, and that egg and seed came together to make a baby."
Since she was in a listening mood, my partner said "Remember how Mama goes to a special doctor because she's trying to have a baby? That doctor helped us to get some seeds from a man we don't know, but he's called a donor. When I got pregnant with you, we used the same donor. You can ask us questions about him when you're ready."
Since then, she asks us things like "Am I left-handed from Mommy or the donor?" and "I'm taller than ___ because of the donor, right?" so we know some of it has sunk in. We have lots more to talk about as she grows up and wants to know more, but so far it's going great.
Good luck, and you'll do fine!