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To tell my extended family or not to tell? That is the question.

Lissa832Lissa832 member
in Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

DH and I are going home for Christmas in about a week.  I am very nervous.  Our immediate families know about what is going on with us.  My extended family does not.  Every year, we go to my Aunt's house on Christmas Eve.  All of my cousins (and their children) will be there as well.  I only have one cousin who knows.  I don't know if she has shared if with others.  The problem I have is that one aunt in particular likes to ask, "When are you going to have more babies?"  I'm afraid if someone asks me this, I will burst in to tears.  Or, the other option is that I will scold her and tell her that is NEVER an appropriate question because you never know what someone is going through.

I want to see my family.  Many of them have never even met DS.  I can only see two options right now.  Should I leave it up to chance and just hope that no one says anything?  Or, should I let them know what is happening with me?  WWYD?

P.S.  For all I know, my mom has told everyone.  She probably sent an email out as a chain letter letting everyone know.  And, they should send it to their entire address book or they'll die in an hour, lol.

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Re: To tell my extended family or not to tell? That is the question.

  • Lissa832Lissa832 member
    I also wanted to add that if I let them know, I was going to tell one cousin in particular.  It is her mom's house that we celebrate at.  My aunts are all very close.  If one knows, they will all know eventually.  I am just torn because I don't want to be the subject of gossip.
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  • StaribethStaribeth

    I have told my extended family. I need their support in this. All of my cousins have or are expecting children (my closest cousin is due two days before I was). I don't want to have an uncomfortable situation so I let them know in advance. Considering all that has happened with my husband's family (death of his mother last week and first anniversary of his father's death on the 22nd), we don't want to miss Christmas with my family anymore(we were originally skipping it). In bringing it up with my family, I also found that many of my family members have experienced a m/c and they were willing to talk with me about what I have been going through.

     

    HTH

    Three losses in 2009, a miracle in 2010! Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker The Method to My Madness, a PPD blog
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  • Lissa832Lissa832 member
    imageStaribeth:

    I have told my extended family. I need their support in this. All of my cousins have or are expecting children (my closest cousin is due two days before I was). I don't want to have an uncomfortable situation so I let them know in advance. Considering all that has happened with my husband's family (death of his mother last week and first anniversary of his father's death on the 22nd), we don't want to miss Christmas with my family anymore(we were originally skipping it). In bringing it up with my family, I also found that many of my family members have experienced a m/c and they were willing to talk with me about what I have been going through.

     

    HTH

    Thank you. 

    I have never been that close to my dad's family, but I do know that they would be supportive.  I live 1000 miles away, so I feel completely disconnected from all of my family at this point.  I'm just scared to tell them.  Worst case scenario is that I tell them and they look at me weird all day, or I don't tell them and get caught in an uncomfortable situation.

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  • StaribethStaribeth

    I would rather strange looks than awkward conversations!

    I flat out told my cousin who is pregnant that she was part of the reason why I didn't want to go to the family xmas party. She didn't talk to me for a week and I got very upset. I saw her at my mother-in-law's wake and I guess I just got over the situation. I want to be with family now.

    I know our situation right now has put the m/c  on the back burner so I am more pro family gatherings this holiday season than I was two weeks ago.

    Three losses in 2009, a miracle in 2010! Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker The Method to My Madness, a PPD blog
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  • jesmckennajesmckenna member

    I am going through the same struggle right now. ?My cousin's wife is pregnant- due 4 days after I was due. ?I know the first time it gets brought up I am going to completely lose it. ?I also have 3 cousins with babies under the age of 2. ?I kind of want my family to know, but don't really know how to tell them. ?I also live thousands of miles away from my family, so it's not like I talk to them that often. ?Calling to say "Hi, I had a m/c" seems like an awkward conversation. ?I am thinking about just telling my mom she can tell whoever she wants, because I know word will spread like wildfire through my family after she has the green light. :) ?I just don't know if I want everyone feeling sorry for me during our family celebrations.

    I wish you the best of luck with whatever decision you make. ?I know this post isn't much help to you, but I just want you to know that there are others going through the same thing you are. ?I'll be praying for everyone in the same situation as me because I know it is not fun!!!

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  • michroccmichrocc member

    imagejesmckenna:
     

     I am thinking about just telling my mom she can tell whoever she wants, because I know word will spread like wildfire through my family after she has the green light. :)  

    This is probably what I'd do.  I'd just ask a trusted family member who already knows to quietly spread the word in the couple of weeks leading up to Christmas. For me, I just couldn't bear saying the words out loud to so many people, many of whom live far away and I'm not that close to.  But that's just me. I'll be spending the holidays with my ILs.  They all already know what happened but it'll be hard in it's own way, as FH SIL is pregnant and will be unwrapping copious onesies and such in front of us...

    T&P to you.

    BFP#1 10/19/09, m/c 12/5/09, BFP#2 2/03/12, m/c 2/12/12, BFP#3 3/18/13, LO born 11/22/13

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  • JuJuBe3JuJuBe3

    I went through the same thing at Thanksgiving.  I flat out asked (in this case DH's parents) who knew about our loss that would be there, so I could be prepared.  Luckily, very few know/knew, and they were smart enough not to bring it enough.  I think it's a very good thing to think about ahead of time, so you can prepare a response.  I am a private person, so in my case, I didn't want to just share with everyone.  When someone asks about us having kids, I just say 'we know we want kids and we're talking about when' and leave at that.  Most people don't probe after that.  You have to do what is comfortable for you and DH.  Good luck with your decisions!

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