DH is upset... :(

MrsFitch112 · December 2009

DH's stepdad really stepped up and was a great father figure to him, and he wants to honor him by using his first name as our son's middle name.

I'm not a big fan of the name to begin with (Mark), but I figured as a middle name, it wouldn't be too bad.

Recently though, I remembered that Mark is the mn of one of my ex boyfriends (lets just say, the relationship wasn't too pretty. abusive, etc). I was fine with it at first, but after rememebering that, I can't associate the name with anything else.

DH is kind of upset about it. He doesn't like the idea that I'm still able to be reminded of him. Ugh. Boys. And he really still wants to use the name.

I guess I can try to get him to agree with using a variation (Marcus?) or a mn. I feel kind of bad, because he's been going along very well with all the names I've wanted to use.

Nicole731 · December 2009

I don't see what the big deal is if you are using it as just a middle name. It's not like you will be hearing it or calling your LO that name every day. If he wanted to use it as a first name, I would be opposed to that due to your bad associations. But I'd compromise for his sake and use it as a mn.

MandyWes · December 2009

Nicole731:
I don't see what the big deal is if you are using it as just a middle name. It's not like you will be hearing it or calling your LO that name every day. If he wanted to use it as a first name, I would be opposed to that due to your bad associations. But I'd compromise for his sake and use it as a mn.

This for me too. Plus it will be a new association for you that is definitely a good one!

soon2Bmrspower · December 2009

Nicole731:
I don't see what the big deal is if you are using it as just a middle name. It's not like you will be hearing it or calling your LO that name every day. If he wanted to use it as a first name, I would be opposed to that due to your bad associations. But I'd compromise for his sake and use it as a mn.

I was getting ready to type up something similar, but this sounds nice

KatieintheCity · December 2009

Agree with PPs. You're never going to be calling him by that, and it means a lot to DH. I would let it slide. It wasn't even your ex's first name - you didn't even remember it at first. Once your son has the name, that is all you'll ever associate it with, anyway.

BostonGayGal · December 2009

I would use Mark since it is important to him.

"Once your son has the name, that is all you'll ever associate it with, anyway. " I agree.

future_mrs.lambdin · December 2009

Our girls name has Lynn in it which is also DH's ex wife's mn and it doesn't really bother me much. But my sister's mn is also Lynn.

ubermoose · December 2009

That's a tough call. It sounds like your husbands stepdad is a pretty honorable guy, and your husband is not being a stubborn jerk by any means. (It's easier to give advice when there are stubborn jerks involved!) But, I also think it would be awkward to use a name that brings back memories of an abusive boyfriend.

I guess I would sit and think about how strong of an association you have with the name Mark. If you hear the name and can easily remember your husband's wonderful stepdad... I would say use it. If "oh, yeah, that was my ex's mn" is an afterthought, I'd still say use it. If your ex is going to be an overwhelming association that you just can't shake whenever you hear the name, move on.

LaylaKon · December 2009

I think as an ex's mn.... I would not hold any association. I would think of his father and my new baby boy.

Sawyerplus1 · December 2009

You want to forgo a middle name that has a really important meaning and association for your DH, because of an association you have with an ex-boyfriend (an association you didn't even remember at first)?! That seems silly to me and your DH has a right to be upset about it.

LMS05 · December 2009

I wouldn't want to use it either, but I would probably go with it to make DH happy.

magsugar13 · December 2009

Dont you think it is time to move on and get over it? It wasnt even his 1st name...his middle name.

MrsFitch112 · December 2009

magsugar13:
Dont you think it is time to move on and get over it? It wasnt even his 1st name...his middle name.

It was his middle name, yes, but everyone called him by both names. It's not that I'm not over the relationship, i think it would be rather ridiculous to be holding on to something like that after i've been married and TTC. It is just an association that I don't much care for. What is the difference between that and someone refusing to name their kid something because they knew a child once by the same name that was a terror?

Regardless, I probably am going to agree to keep it on the list. It was a long time ago and his stepdad does deserve to be honored. Not to mention, we might not even have a boy.

OregonMama · December 2009

Since you didn't even remember it was the ex's mn what's the big deal. You had to reach into the recesses of your memory to pull it out. Go with it. It will make your husband very, very happy.

wednesday51 · December 2009

Wow. I think everyone here is being pretty rude about this. I think IT IS a pretty F-ING BIG DEAL if a guy with that name (in any part of his name) was abusive to her. Have any of you been in an abusive relationship? Have a heart and try to understand it might be something you might not want to remember.

BlessedMommy723 · December 2009

anderhea:

I was in an abusive relationship. I'm not going to lie, every time I see my ex's first name, I associate it with him and bad memories. But his middle name? I had to think back on what it even was. It is actually the same as DH's brother. I've been hearing it forever and it didn't even click.

I'm going to agree with everyone. Now that you have it in your head, you're thinking about your ex, but if you make an effort to think about your DH's stepfather, I'll bet your association will change.

What is the stepfather's mn? Could you use that?

This is exactly what I was going to suggest. I also like the idea of using Marcus as well. But, I just don't like "Mark."

MrsFitch112 · December 2009

anderhea:
wednesday51:
Wow. I think everyone here is being pretty rude about this. I think IT IS a pretty F-ING BIG DEAL if a guy with that name (in any part of his name) was abusive to her. Have any of you been in an abusive relationship? Have a heart and try to understand it might be something you might not want to remember.

I was in an abusive relationship. I'm not going to lie, every time I see my ex's first name, I associate it with him and bad memories. But his middle name? I had to think back on what it even was. It is actually the same as DH's brother. I've been hearing it forever and it didn't even click.

I'm going to agree with everyone. Now that you have it in your head, you're thinking about your ex, but if you make an effort to think about your DH's stepfather, I'll bet your association will change.

What is the stepfather's mn? Could you use that?

I am definitely going to make an effort to not associate it with that. I mean, it's true, i didn't think of it right away, but now it is stuck in my mind. But there is AT LEAST nine months before our baby comes, plus however long it takes us to actually conceive. So it is still all up in the air at this point.

I actually really like his stepfather's middle name. It's Joel. I'm going to try to talk DH into using that.

ubermoose · December 2009

MrsFitch112:
anderhea:

wednesday51:
Wow. I think everyone here is being pretty rude about this. I think IT IS a pretty F-ING BIG DEAL if a guy with that name (in any part of his name) was abusive to her. Have any of you been in an abusive relationship? Have a heart and try to understand it might be something you might not want to remember.

I was in an abusive relationship. I'm not going to lie, every time I see my ex's first name, I associate it with him and bad memories. But his middle name? I had to think back on what it even was. It is actually the same as DH's brother. I've been hearing it forever and it didn't even click.

I'm going to agree with everyone. Now that you have it in your head, you're thinking about your ex, but if you make an effort to think about your DH's stepfather, I'll bet your association will change.

What is the stepfather's mn? Could you use that?

I am definitely going to make an effort to not associate it with that. I mean, it's true, i didn't think of it right away, but now it is stuck in my mind. But there is AT LEAST nine months before our baby comes, plus however long it takes us to actually conceive. So it is still all up in the air at this point.

I actually really like his stepfather's middle name. It's Joel. I'm going to try to talk DH into using that.

Joel is an awesome name!

And, just for clarification, when I said "move on" in my previous post... I meant move on from the name, as in keep looking. I reread that, and I hope people didn't thing I was flippantly implying that you should get over it.

Maybe you could talk to your husband and his stepfather. If his stepfather would be honored by you using his middle name, I say go for that. If one of my kids really wanted to use my name to honor me, but their partner had a negative association with it, I would rather them use my middle name or a variation of my first name.

funnibaby · December 2009

I can understand why DH would be upset. Since his step father obviously means a lot to him and honoring him means a lot to him. Saying no because an ex-BF, who didn't even use the name daily, is a stretch. Even if that relationship was horrible, its not like he is asking you to use the first name of an abusive boyfriend.

MrsFitch112 · December 2009

funnibaby:
I can understand why DH would be upset. Since his step father obviously means a lot to him and honoring him means a lot to him. Saying no because an ex-BF, who didn't even use the name daily, is a stretch. Even if that relationship was horrible, its not like he is asking you to use the first name of an abusive boyfriend.

Actually, if you read my posts, you would see that in fact, he did use the name on a daily basis. He had one of those double names.

wednesday51 · December 2009

Joel is a good idea. And no negative associations there. Plus, you weren't fond of Mark as a name in the first place. I think it's a good middle ground. And you shouldn't feel bad for making the association/not being able to shake it. If you can't shake it, you can't. It's already in your head so I think it's ridiculous people are saying "Oh you had to think about it and didn't remember at first" etc. It doesn't matter people, because NOW she DOES remember it and she DOES make the association. Not to mention, as she just reiterated, he was called by BOTH names. Stop telling her to "get over it" or that she's being ridiculous and try to be a little more sensitive about the situation. Would you want to give your child ANY name that belonged to someone that abused you? Controlled you? Hurt you? (I'm not sure what the exact situation was in this case, but you get the general point I'm trying to make.) DH should understand and, honestly, I think Joel is a much nicer name anyways.

sara1817 · December 2009

I think using Marcus might work better. It's my Dh's name so I love it!

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