Calling all Catholics

Echowysp · December 2009

Dh is a Byzantine Catholic. I'm nothing, not religious at all. Dh and I agreed that if we had kids, they would be raised in the church (a big concession on my part, but I know it makes dh and his family happy).

His church has a new priest who is hard core. He wouldn't marry us because dh's annulment from his first marriage hadn't gone through. Fine.

Then he wouldn't baptize SIL's (and BFF) child because they moved away and couldn't attend a Catholic church due to location, but do go to a Unitarian Church every week. My SIL was raised in this church, was married in this church and her first child was baptized there. But, he's new and says no way.

So we go today to ask to baptize Adam this Christmas when everyone is going to be in town. First he won't do it this month because he's "busy" and then he lets us know that my SIL isn't acceptable since she, again, isn't currently attending a Catholic church.

I'm so pissed. I really don't want ds baptized, but thought at least I could ask my best friend, the reason I am with my dh and even *have ds, to be the godmother. Dh doesn't quite understand why it's so important to me, but he's trying to understand.

And they wonder why people leave because of their uptight rules.

ETA: Oops, almost forgot to ask my question. Is this standard practice? I've never heard of people needing to get their godparents to verify their Catholicness/

LoriFalce · December 2009

We went through heII finding a church to get married in since we were getting married in 4m, and they wanted us to wait six months. Our timetable was set because Matthew's grandmother was ill and we wanted to do everything we could to try and have her at our wedding.

Last year, it took more than six months to get him baptized. Every time we went to take the class, it got cancelled. Then when we had the class done, the priest gave us crap about not coming to church. Well, we do go to church, but you cancelled the Mass we attend, so now we go someplace else, but your Nazi secretary won't let us transfer officially to that church because of our zip code.

I swear, it's like priests are trying to kill off the Catholic church in America by any means possible.

LoriFalce · December 2009

And Byzantines, in my experience, are much bigger sticklers than Roman Catholics.

Shell24 · December 2009

You can't base an opinion of an entire religion on that one priest. He does sound strict. Some churches are more than others. That's why it's important to find a parish that you fit into well, and fits in with your beliefs. If you are a progressive Catholic, you should find a progressive church. It sounds like it's time for you guys to find a new parish...I know I wouldn't want to deal with that either.

Our church made us prove at least one of our godparents was Catholic (with a baptismal certificate). But I've heard of some parishes requiring the godparent to be a current member of a parish, so it's not unheard of. As for the priests schedule, normally you have to take a baptismal prep class first, so that may be an issue as well. I know the group baptisms are set well in advance. We never inquired about a private baptism or one during a mass, so I don't know how they schedule those. But with the liturgical season, I would also assume the priest was very busy!

Good luck getting it scheduled.

Shell24 · December 2009

LoriFalce:

And Byzantines, in my experience, are much bigger sticklers than Roman Catholics.

Yes, yes, I totally agree. To clarify, I am Roman Catholic (which may be the reason for the difference in experience).

papagena · December 2009

I'm not Catholic, but DH is a reformed Catholic and IL's are very involved in The Church. I believe it is standard practice for the godparent thing. MIL plays the organ for masses, and wasn't allowed communion for years because she and FIL weren't married in a Catholic church & she wasn't baptised Catholic. :P

Sharon&Paul · December 2009

In the Roman Catholic Church the Godparents have to be practicing Catholics because the role of a God parent is to help raise the child in the faith. It is not just a title you give to someone. I am not shocked they would not go the baptism during the holidays. Christmas and Easter are a very busy time in the Church.

chadandamy · December 2009

One of our godparents had to be an actively practicing Catholic. Our church only does baptisms publicly three times each year. I can see being busy during the Christmas season. We had to schedule our Thanksgiving baptism last year before ds was even born in August. So, yeah, there can be a lot of hoops to jump through!

LydiaE2 · December 2009

I can't imagine any priest being willing to do a baptism at Christmas. The church is extremely busy. Priest are expected to attend/plan several events at that time, and do additional masses. Most Catholic Churches I have attended refuse to do weddings during Advent, Christmas (till about Jan 8th), Lent and Easter. My church also strongly discouraged July/August weddings as the church had no ac (mass was held in the parish center which was air conditioned). I was married two weeks after Easter and the priest only agreed to to the wedding because we were long time members, and they only do 3 or 4 weddings a year.

If you want a more liberal Catholic experience, I recommend finding a new parish. I grew up in a really liberal Catholic Church and had a great experience. The liberal parish bent several of the rules (female alter servants in the mid 80's) and they might have a different opinion on many of the issues you have been dealing with.

LoriFalce · December 2009

Sharon&Paul:
In the Roman Catholic Church the Godparents have to be practicing Catholics because the role of a God parent is to help raise the child in the faith. It is not just a title you give to someone. I am not shocked they would not go the baptism during the holidays. Christmas and Easter are a very busy time in the Church.

That's flexible. Joseph's godmother is Catholic. His godfather is my uncle/godfather, who is not. At least one had to be Catholic, but the other could be Christian of any denomination, as long as he was practicing.

*KatieH* · December 2009

I am Roman Catholic so it may be different but we had to have one practicing Catholic but both be registered Catholics (Roman). I think you conceded on raising your children in your husbands family religion so he needs to give on this.

Spin313 · December 2009

I grew up going to a Catholic Church, but DH and I are pretty much non-practicing right now.

My church didn't have issues marrying us, but they were stricter about Baptism. There had to be a male and female godparent and, if they weren't members of our church, they had to provide the name of their church and have a letter signed to "prove" they are Catholic. Pretty stupid in my opinion.

jenifairies · December 2009

When I was a kid, my church wouldn't baptise any of us because my parents didn't attend often enough.

My parents ended up switching churches (going on base) and they did it no prob. Also, our godparents (my brothers and i chose diff ones - we were 2, 6, and 8 years old) were catholic, but didn't attend church.

Oh and that would piss me off if I were you. I'd take him elsewhere or not do it.

Echowysp · December 2009

Sharon&Paul:
In the Roman Catholic Church the Godparents have to be practicing Catholics because the role of a God parent is to help raise the child in the faith. It is not just a title you give to someone. I am not shocked they would not go the baptism during the holidays. Christmas and Easter are a very busy time in the Church.

It's weird then that the priest before had not problem with making the siblings godparents, even if they weren't going to that church (or a Catholic church). My ILs have been with the church since the 50s. It's their church.

And it's a very small church, so not being able to squeeze in a 1/2 hour service is pretty unbelievable.

Echowysp · December 2009

LoriFalce:
Sharon&Paul:
In the Roman Catholic Church the Godparents have to be practicing Catholics because the role of a God parent is to help raise the child in the faith. It is not just a title you give to someone. I am not shocked they would not go the baptism during the holidays. Christmas and Easter are a very busy time in the Church.

That's flexible. Joseph's godmother is Catholic. His godfather is my uncle/godfather, who is not. At least one had to be Catholic, but the other could be Christian of any denomination, as long as he was practicing.

And this is what I've read online about baptisms.

Shoot, I find it really funny that it's ok that I'M not required to be a Catholic, but by golly, the lady who most likely won't be having any real influence over my kid better be going to church every week. LOL

carolinag · December 2009

it is really a priest by priest thing. some are lenient and more open, others are hardcore oldschool strict. i for one won't attend a church who has a priest of the latter. my priest i was raised w/was so loving and accepting of all - and really all inclusive. that is the kind of person i want guiding my spirtual side.

Doug'sFiance · December 2009

I need to lay my cards on the table and say I love and adore the Catholic faith and after years of actively studying the catechism I understand the importance of following the rules. One Godparent must be a practicing Catholic. I am a godmother 5X and had to prove my regular mass attendance/participation in my faith via a church letter for 2 of the baptisms. Frankly I think both parents should be practicing Catholics. I think if you look upon baptism or involvement of your child in the faith as a concession you are #1 missing out on the glory of the faith and #2 have potential for a family squabble down the road as your child senses/sees your lack on interest. If you do not want to fully support and participate in the baptism and all of the rules that come along with it, then you should rethink a Catholic baptism.

mrs.magoo · December 2009

Well, since you are not involved in any faith, I don't see why it should really matter so much to you, especially since you already agreed with your husband to baptize your son in the faith. BUT I do understand where you are coming from (please don't think I am being insensitive), because I am Roman Catholic and my husband is not of any faith or religion. We desperately wanted both my BIL and my brother to both be Godfathers, so that my ILs (who are also of no faith/religion), would feel involved and we couldn't decide on a Godmother. The priest said it was absolutely not allowed, since it needed to be a Godmother/Godfather, just as if it was a marriage relationship - it had to equal man/woman...they also had to be practicing Catholic, which I can somewhat understand, since they are agreeing to raise the child in the faith/religion....but I have also seen some priests just allow one Godparent to be practicing Catholic...we ended up only having my brother as Godfather, with no Godmother...it really does vary from church to church and priest to priest...

Echowysp · December 2009

mrs.magoo:
Well, since you are not involved in any faith, I don't see why it should really matter so much to you, especially since you already agreed with your husband to baptize your son in the faith.

Because it *really goes against what I believe to go to church. But I will allow Adam to do it because I know it's important to my dh. I just want this one thing, to honor my best friend/SIL with being my child's godmother.

As I told my dh, it's sort of like if your husband really wants to move to a new city and you're not wanting to go, but you do it anyway to make him happy, you get to pick the house. It's a consolation prize.

Echowysp · December 2009

Doug'sFiance:
I need to lay my cards on the table and say I love and adore the Catholic faith and after years of actively studying the catechism I understand the importance of following the rules. One Godparent must be a practicing Catholic. I am a godmother 5X and had to prove my regular mass attendance/participation in my faith via a church letter for 2 of the baptisms. Frankly I think both parents should be practicing Catholics. I think if you look upon baptism or involvement of your child in the faith as a concession you are #1 missing out on the glory of the faith and #2 have potential for a family squabble down the road as your child senses/sees your lack on interest. If you do not want to fully support and participate in the baptism and all of the rules that come along with it, then you should rethink a Catholic baptism.

No, I don't need to believe in the faith to let my child go to church. I will keep my feelings about religion to myself until he's old enough to understand that not everyone believes the same.

Our gripe is with the new priest and his rules. Like you said, one godparent has to be Catholic. My SIL *is Catholic, but just doesn't have a church nearby. The godfather is practicing in the church, so that should be enough.

It's not just my family. He's lost several families because he can't see beyond rules.

Echowysp · December 2009

carolinag:
it is really a priest by priest thing. some are lenient and more open, others are hardcore oldschool strict. i for one won't attend a church who has a priest of the latter. my priest i was raised w/was so loving and accepting of all - and really all inclusive. that is the kind of person i want guiding my spirtual side.

Exactly. You get more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Fordlor · December 2009

I'm Roman Catholic. When we had DD baptized last year, the Church required that one of the Godparents be a practicing Catholic. My cousin (the GM) had to get a sponsorship letter from her Church stating that she was practicing and that she was married in the Catholic Church. The GF is Catholic but not practicing.

Not sure about Byzantines. GL!

WYEngTeacher · December 2009

Didn't read any other replies (and I always regret replying before doing that!), but I am Roman Catholic, and at least for us, yes this is all standard practice. You can't be married Catholic if you were married before and it isn't annulled (DH was previously married and we had a much longer engagement than I would have preferred while we waited for his annulment to go through). You have to agree to edit: raise the child catholic (meaning belong to and attend a church) to have a child baptized, and Godparents must also be practicing Catholics. My DH's brother and wife weren't allowed to be DD's godparents because they didn't technically belong to their church at that time, even though they [claimed to] attend mass weekly. When my brother was born, my mom's brother wasn't allowed to be his godfather because he didn't ever attend church - even through he went through 8th grade of catholic school in that very parish.

WYEngTeacher · December 2009

LoriFalce:
Sharon&Paul:
In the Roman Catholic Church the Godparents have to be practicing Catholics because the role of a God parent is to help raise the child in the faith. It is not just a title you give to someone. I am not shocked they would not go the baptism during the holidays. Christmas and Easter are a very busy time in the Church.
That's flexible. Joseph's godmother is Catholic. His godfather is my uncle/godfather, who is not. At least one had to be Catholic, but the other could be Christian of any denomination, as long as he was practicing.

not in my parish... they were very strict that both had to be practicing Catholics, with LETTERS from their parishes verifying this! nuts

NYDay · December 2009

I think it may vary some from church to church and priest to priest. When I was standing as Godmother for my friend's children, the nun handling the details was very understanding when I told her that I didn't have a parish. DH and I were attending mass at a local shrine/retreat. When it was time to have DS baptised, both Godparents had to show proof of being practicing catholics. My brother hasn't really gone to church in a few years, but went to the parish where we were baptised, received communion and were confirmed. The priest there just gave him the letter.

lite-bright · December 2009

I'm not Catholic myself, but went to Catholic school, DH is Catholic, and we're having our children baptized Catholic.

We had a similar issue when we had DD baptized at DH's old church back in Ohio. We took the baptism class at our (pretty laid back and progressive for Catholic) church out here, but some things didn't carry over -- like, our church said they didn't make a big deal of double-checking "qualifications" of godparents.

But DH's church is very much a stickler about that kind of thing. For us, at least one godparent had to be Catholic and BOTH had to be active members of a Christian church; one was allowed to be a "Christian witness" aka non-Catholic Christian godparent. We had to get letters from their churches attesting that they are current/active members. I don't know if that rule is the same church-wide or how much discretion priests have in enforcing it.

This was an issue b/c we asked my sister to be godmother but she's not part of a congregation, so she couldn't get a letter. So we ended up asking SIL instead.

It's kind of a bummer, b/c I don't think either of my siblings will ever be a godparent to our children because they're not really at a stage (single, late 20s, and/or work weird schedules) where they're attending church regularly.

smacb · December 2009

I think it varies by parish. We're Irish Catholic. The parish where we had DS baptized required a letter from the godparents parish verifying that they were practicing Catholics. I had zero problem with this. My SIL was offended she wasn't asked to be godmother, but she isn't a practicing Catholic. We didn't consider her. A godparent is supposed to be a spiritual guide. IMHO, if you're raising a child in one faith, the godparents should be practicing members of that faith, otherwise it negates the whole idea. My BFF could not get a letter, our church allowed her to be a 'Christian Witness' but not a godparent.

Unitarian is theologically pretty far removed from Catholicism. I wouldn't consider someone who was a regular at a Unitarian Church a practicing Catholic.

LoriFalce · December 2009

Doug'sFiance:
I need to lay my cards on the table and say I love and adore the Catholic faith and after years of actively studying the catechism I understand the importance of following the rules. One Godparent must be a practicing Catholic. I am a godmother 5X and had to prove my regular mass attendance/participation in my faith via a church letter for 2 of the baptisms. Frankly I think both parents should be practicing Catholics. I think if you look upon baptism or involvement of your child in the faith as a concession you are #1 missing out on the glory of the faith and #2 have potential for a family squabble down the road as your child senses/sees your lack on interest. If you do not want to fully support and participate in the baptism and all of the rules that come along with it, then you should rethink a Catholic baptism.

Wow.

I'm just hoping others reading this will realize that not all Catholics have had a stick inserted quite that far.

She's not "missing out on the glory of the faith" if it isn't her faith. If you don't believe, you won't feel the same things about our Mass that we do. And to suggest that her child be denied the blessing and grace of a Catholic baptism because of that? Are you SURE you're a practicing Catholic familiar with the rules, because according to our catechism, you would seriously consign an innocent child to limbo because of one parent's beliefs?

*Disclaimer: that's a catechetical position, not my position. She said she's a rule-follower, so I thought you should realize what she's actually saying.

abrtpk1 · December 2009

chadandamy:
One of our godparents had to be an actively practicing Catholic. Our church only does baptisms publicly three times each year. I can see being busy during the Christmas season. We had to schedule our Thanksgiving baptism last year before ds was even born in August. So, yeah, there can be a lot of hoops to jump through!

This was our experience as well. They did accommodate our family and held a private baptism but it was in August when there wasn't a ton of other things going on.

Doug'sFiance · December 2009

LoriFalce:

Doug'sFiance:
I need to lay my cards on the table and say I love and adore the Catholic faith and after years of actively studying the catechism I understand the importance of following the rules. One Godparent must be a practicing Catholic. I am a godmother 5X and had to prove my regular mass attendance/participation in my faith via a church letter for 2 of the baptisms. Frankly I think both parents should be practicing Catholics. I think if you look upon baptism or involvement of your child in the faith as a concession you are #1 missing out on the glory of the faith and #2 have potential for a family squabble down the road as your child senses/sees your lack on interest. If you do not want to fully support and participate in the baptism and all of the rules that come along with it, then you should rethink a Catholic baptism.

Wow.

I'm just hoping others reading this will realize that not all Catholics have had a stick inserted quite that far.

She's not "missing out on the glory of the faith" if it isn't her faith. If you don't believe, you won't feel the same things about our Mass that we do. And to suggest that her child be denied the blessing and grace of a Catholic baptism because of that? Are you SURE you're a practicing Catholic familiar with the rules, because according to our catechism, you would seriously consign an innocent child to limbo because of one parent's beliefs?

*Disclaimer: that's a catechetical position, not my position. She said she's a rule-follower, so I thought you should realize what she's actually saying.

Ouch, sorry, not my intent. And I don't want children in limbo, if someone is baptized in another faith the church will often recognize it. Simply saying... if it is not for you, don't use a Catholic baptism.

Amrice78 · December 2009

yes it's standard practice to have the godparents be practicing Catholics or at least one practicing Catholic and one practicing other Christian denomination. The role of the godparent is to help teach the child the ways of the church.