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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
EmKo0210
member
Afraid to talk to people...
EmKo0210
member
It's been 5 days now since our loss. I find myself avoiding talking to a lot of my family and friends. I have talked to most of my immediate family, but I have gotten so many other phone calls that I just haven't responded to. I still have to figure out my leave from work, but I'm afraid to call and talk to my boss. I just feel like no one really knows what to say and nothing they can say will make me feel any better. I also just feel like because of the situation, most conversations are kind of awkward. Is this normal? I know I'm going to have to face reality eventually, but I don't know if I'm ready.
Update:: I gathered the courage to call my manager today. I had to leave her a msg, but I am still proud of myself for getting that far. I also called our Short term disability administrator to see if I qualify. This was the hard part. They asked me my due date and if I had delivered yet. The lady seemed a bit surprised when I told her I had delivered and then she started asking questions about the delivery...I totally just blurted out that it was a stillborn so she would stop asking questions and she did. I am done talking to people for the day.
Lilah Eve---our angel in heaven: Born sleeping 12/2/09 @ 28w3d. We love you and miss you everyday, little angel.
Isabella Faith---Born 12/17/10 via c-section.
Abigail Marie---Born 11/16/12 via c-section
Isabella Faith---Born 12/17/10 via c-section.
Abigail Marie---Born 11/16/12 via c-section
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Afraid to talk to people...
It is completely normal. I listened to all the voicemails but I did not call anyone back. After almost 2 weeks I decided to contact some of my friends...who came over to keep my company while DH was away.
My DH actually wrote a beautiful email explaining what had happened as well as how we were doing. We sent this to all of our friends, family, and co-workers so that we would not have to have the difficult conversations. I did send this same email to my boss indicating when I would be out from work as well so that I did not have to talk to him about it. It made my transition back to work much smoother as well. If you are interested, I would be more than happy to share the email. Just send me a PM.
~Sandy
I'm so sorry for your loss. And yes, what you are feeling is completely normal.
Is there someone that can do the talking for you? Can your DH call your boss? After my first loss, I designated my mom to tell family to basically leave me alone. My closest friend did the same with my other friends.
I don't think it's a bad idea to avoid talking to people until you feel ready. Most will say innocent, but hurtful things like "at least you can get pregnant," "it will happen for you eventually," or "it just wasn't meant to be." (to which I would like to respond "STFU").
Totally normal. Give yourself time to cope. Everyone understands that you are grieving, they're just clueless as to how to best help you and support you. They probably feel a bit helpless and yet they want you to know they care. Don't feel obligated to accommodate others right now, even with phone calls if you don't want to. They're reaching out to you to help, so when you're ready to talk you will respond to their invitations.
My husband and I didn't know how to tell people so we just decided to say that we lost our baby outright in conversation, but it was disastrous! We said it so calmly that our friend burst out laughing at it because he thought we were joking! Another time we didn't know what to say so we sat speechless and it was way awkward. There's just no comfortable way to tell someone that you've lost your child. My very best friend found out from others and completely ignored the topic when she first saw me because she didn't know what to say. I felt bad that she didn't say anything to me about it, but I know she just didn't know how to handle it or what I was ready for, or if I even wanted to talk about it.
You have to cut people some slack, but when it becomes more comfortable do your best to educate them on how they should respond so they will do better next time they're in a position to console someone.
I wasn't ready to face reality for quite some time. It's expected and people will understand. Just do your best to hang on and get your feet under you again.
I'm so sorry for your loss and wish you happiness in the future.
I think it is completely normal. I think that you are in the midst of the denial stage. I was there for quite a while, I still slip into it some days.
I have had a hard time talking to anybody about the situation I am in or just talking to them about life. For me I think that it has a lot to do with the fact that I am living a "fake life". I have been playing a fake version of myself. I put on a fake smile and a fake happy face. Being fake all the time is just so exhausting that I usually choose to avoid contact as much as possible cause I know it is hard on them and even harder on me.
I am so sorry that you are having a hard time. I hope that coming here can prove useful!
Missed m/c at 17 weeks, partial molar pregnancy d&c 11/30/09
It is normal for it to be awkward--so my best advice is to lean on other people and have them do the talking for you. Have your boss tell your contacts at work, have your family tell extended family, and don't feel bad about emailing people.
I found myself unable to respond to most emails and phone calls. I appreciated them, but I just couldn't do it. I've saved them all and would like to find a way to acknowledge them someday, but so far I haven't done it. It took me over two months to write thank you notes for the gifts we received and I still have a few left unwritten.
YES. THIS.
Be good to yourself, Your #1 concern right now should be YOU.
Congratulations on making the phone call to work! And I'm not being sarcastic...that's a huge thing when you don't feel like talking to anyone.
Last week I actually had DH call MY OWN MOTHER because I had just basically hung up on her for saying so many of those annoying things people who have no idea of what you're going through can say. ("Are you sure you weren't supposed to be off birth control for longer before trying to get pregnant?" As if that would even make a difference now. Seriously Mom?) But I wanted her to have the opportunity to be here with us after my D&E so, as much as I never wanted to see her again at that moment, I had DH call & do the dirty work & I'm so glad I did.
I totally agree w/pps that you are well within your rights to delegate stuff to others right now, if it would help. And don't talk until you're ready (or not if you never want to talk about it with these people). Personally, I've been pleasantly surprised by talking about the m/c with others (my boss just gave me time off without asking, other women have opened up about their losses, & just getting it off my chest has been a huge relief to me) . But you need to do what's right for you.
I'm so sorry for your loss, & do what you need to take care of yourself!!!