Advice, please: I don't want to be a brat (long)

StrawberryAlarmClock · December 2009

Oh geez. What should I do? My aunt and MIL are both excited about this baby and they have been shopping like crazy....at Yard Sales and Church Bazaars. They keep sending me things that I truly will not use. Some of it because I'm just not into crafts and I think they look tacky and some of it because it's (heavily) used and I have no idea how to sanitize it properly (baby stuff has a lot of nooks and crannies!!).

I don't want to rain on their parades, I understand that they want to buy baby stuff and I should not be ungrateful. However, there are things that we actually need and scratchy, used crocheted bibs are not on the list.

Should I just accept all the "junk" and put it in a box to take to the Women's Shelter? Should I somehow hint in a conversation that we really need diapers and bottles? Should I just shut up about it and ignore it? I don't want to be a brat but neither of them has a lot of money and I feel awful "throwing away" their money by collecting these gifts and knowing I have zero intention of using them! Help!

radiokate · December 2009

I would somehow nicely suggest that although you appreciate what they are doing, you want to wait for the shower for any gifts, since you know you will get a lot then, that way you don't end up with too much stuff you don't need.

I would definitely give all that stuff to a shelter or back to the thrift stores. I hate really old gross crap, it gives me the skeeves. I'm not talking about "used" things, I love some good hand me downs, but like you said, old crocheted bibs? You will NEVER use those. Bleh.

LuvMyBostons · December 2009

I'd say try to salvage what you can for yourself so that they can see you using some of it, and give the other stuff away.

As to deter them from buying more junk, tell them you plan on registering for a bunch of stuff for your shower (if you are having one).

jknigh8 · December 2009

If it's in-laws, I would get your DH to say something, there are polite ways of saying things, like we appreciate your enthusiasm, but we really do want to pick out most of LO's things ourselves, (a little guilt if its your first would go a long way and be very understandable).

LovedWifey · December 2009

I would give them advice on what to look for. You can get some awesome stuff at garage sales.. BUT i would tell them your concerns about things being sanitary. Give them a list of things you could still use with some guidelines on purchasing items (smoke free home... no tears .. nothing crocheted) this way you aren't ruining their fun and you're getting useful stuff!

laurenrobbie · December 2009

I have this SAME problem and made a post about it like 10 weeks ago and got some great advice that I will pass on!

I felt bad telling them I didn't want to use their stuff b/c I didn't want to seem ungrateful. But after a while all this stuff was piling up and I knew something had to happen. Next time my mom (she is the one I was having problem with) brought some stuff over, I said, "thanks for these things, I think it's so nice that you want to shop for the baby, but the things we need most are on our registry". She was just slightly taken aback but I just kept cheerful and said, "well, I know you only want to get us stuff we will use! do you know how to go online to access the registry?"

But, she got more stuff. She gave it to me when I was over at her house, and I repeated the thing about the registry, and she said, "oh, but these items were only $10". And I said, "but I'm not going to use them, so I hate to see you waste your money!" Then I took that stuff and donated it to Goodwill.

She was over at my house a few weeks after that and we were in the nursery, and she said "where are the things I gave you?" and told her that I had donated them to Good will to a family that would love to use them. She was definitely a little pissed off but I said, "I wasn't sure what to do, I kept telling you we weren't going to use them, so I thought that perhaps there was another family somewhere that would like them."

Since then we have only gotten registry presents.

It does take a few awkward moments and maybe some mildly hurt feelings but I did get my point across and now everything is fine.

BelhurstBride · December 2009

The stuff that seems difficult to clean you can soak in hot water and vinegar. It'll disinfect it.

I would hang on to what they've given you until at least the baby's here. You may be surprised with what you decide to use. After you know what you'll use or not I'd just donate it.

But I agree, I'd probably work what you actually need into a conversation somehow.

emily0829 · December 2009

I don't think you sound bratty at all, BTW.

Used items are great, since baby things are rarely used for long. Buuut..... if you've been receiving the heavily used items that have probably been through several babies in that family, I would go with what PP and tell them that you really want to wait until after the shower. Explain that you don't have oodles of room where to put these things that add up.

If they continue to give you things, I wouldn't keep them just out of guilt. I would do as you said and drop them off to a women's shelter. Those women need what you can provide more than anyone, and if you aren't going to use it, don't let it just sit in a box.

GL!

LovedWifey · December 2009

laurenrobbie:
I have this SAME problem and made a post about it like 10 weeks ago and got some great advice that I will pass on!
I felt bad telling them I didn't want to use their stuff b/c I didn't want to seem ungrateful. But after a while all this stuff was piling up and I knew something had to happen. Next time my mom (she is the one I was having problem with) brought some stuff over, I said, "thanks for these things, I think it's so nice that you want to shop for the baby, but the things we need most are on our registry". She was just slightly taken aback but I just kept cheerful and said, "well, I know you only want to get us stuff we will use! do you know how to go online to access the registry?"
But, she got more stuff. She gave it to me when I was over at her house, and I repeated the thing about the registry, and she said, "oh, but these items were only $10". And I said, "but I'm not going to use them, so I hate to see you waste your money!" Then I took that stuff and donated it to Goodwill.
She was over at my house a few weeks after that and we were in the nursery, and she said "where are the things I gave you?" and told her that I had donated them to Good will to a family that would love to use them. She was definitely a little pissed off but I said, "I wasn't sure what to do, I kept telling you we weren't going to use them, so I thought that perhaps there was another family somewhere that would like them."
Since then we have only gotten registry presents.
It does take a few awkward moments and maybe some mildly hurt feelings but I did get my point across and now everything is fine.

If someone can't afford your registry items this can be really hurtful and embarrassing.

sherina825 · December 2009

First, I don't think you are being a brat. In order to combat this, I would say to them that although you appreciate them thinking of you and buying you things, there are other things that you would use and need more, then point them in the direction of the things that you do need. Or you could even bring it up in random convos that you need this or that and where they can get it... Ex: I saw these bottles that I really need and they were on sale and XYZ. I hope I can get some before they are all gone.

laurenrobbie · December 2009

LovedWifey:
laurenrobbie:
I have this SAME problem and made a post about it like 10 weeks ago and got some great advice that I will pass on!
I felt bad telling them I didn't want to use their stuff b/c I didn't want to seem ungrateful. But after a while all this stuff was piling up and I knew something had to happen. Next time my mom (she is the one I was having problem with) brought some stuff over, I said, "thanks for these things, I think it's so nice that you want to shop for the baby, but the things we need most are on our registry". She was just slightly taken aback but I just kept cheerful and said, "well, I know you only want to get us stuff we will use! do you know how to go online to access the registry?"
But, she got more stuff. She gave it to me when I was over at her house, and I repeated the thing about the registry, and she said, "oh, but these items were only $10". And I said, "but I'm not going to use them, so I hate to see you waste your money!" Then I took that stuff and donated it to Goodwill.
She was over at my house a few weeks after that and we were in the nursery, and she said "where are the things I gave you?" and told her that I had donated them to Good will to a family that would love to use them. She was definitely a little pissed off but I said, "I wasn't sure what to do, I kept telling you we weren't going to use them, so I thought that perhaps there was another family somewhere that would like them."
Since then we have only gotten registry presents.
It does take a few awkward moments and maybe some mildly hurt feelings but I did get my point across and now everything is fine.

If someone can't afford your registry items this can be really hurtful and embarrassing.

True, but in this case I knew I was speaking to someone (my mother) who can more than afford it. In any case, there are many items under $10 and even under $5 on our registry.

cjmmrc · December 2009

Maybe you can suggest that they keep those things for when the baby is at their houses'.

LovedWifey · December 2009

laurenrobbie:
LovedWifey:
laurenrobbie:
I have this SAME problem and made a post about it like 10 weeks ago and got some great advice that I will pass on!
I felt bad telling them I didn't want to use their stuff b/c I didn't want to seem ungrateful. But after a while all this stuff was piling up and I knew something had to happen. Next time my mom (she is the one I was having problem with) brought some stuff over, I said, "thanks for these things, I think it's so nice that you want to shop for the baby, but the things we need most are on our registry". She was just slightly taken aback but I just kept cheerful and said, "well, I know you only want to get us stuff we will use! do you know how to go online to access the registry?"
But, she got more stuff. She gave it to me when I was over at her house, and I repeated the thing about the registry, and she said, "oh, but these items were only $10". And I said, "but I'm not going to use them, so I hate to see you waste your money!" Then I took that stuff and donated it to Goodwill.
She was over at my house a few weeks after that and we were in the nursery, and she said "where are the things I gave you?" and told her that I had donated them to Good will to a family that would love to use them. She was definitely a little pissed off but I said, "I wasn't sure what to do, I kept telling you we weren't going to use them, so I thought that perhaps there was another family somewhere that would like them."
Since then we have only gotten registry presents.
It does take a few awkward moments and maybe some mildly hurt feelings but I did get my point across and now everything is fine.

If someone can't afford your registry items this can be really hurtful and embarrassing.
True, but in this case I knew I was speaking to someone (my mother) who can more than afford it. In any case, there are many items under $10 and even under $5 on our registry.

I agree but your MIL and Aunt might not want to be embarrassed by buying you a pack of onesies or pacifiers.

ScissorTailedFlycatcher · December 2009

I don't have much advice as I am in the SAME boat with my MIL.

But, to the posters that suggest she "wait until the shower," all that does is let her store all that crap up and give it to you AT the shower. My MIL has yet to spend more than 5 bucks on us... or at least that is what it looks like from the crap she gave us at our shower. I do love and appreciate her, but she refuses to buy anything for the baby until after he or she is born so she can know the sex (umm... because EVERYTHING we need is gender specific ::sarcasm::). She also thinks registries aren't the way to go since "we know what we're getting."

Good luck to you!

elizb137 · December 2009

This is my second, and my MIL does the same stuff. The latest is she went without asking and got someone's used nursery bedding set for me, then lied to Dh and said his aunt had gotten it at a garage sale...when I confronted her she said "oh no, I got in on craigslist, etc..." She lied bc she KNEW I'd be pissed that she'd bought it w/o asking me...I don't even know the gender yet and she knew I had already thought of ideas for the nursery.I could've bitched, but instead I thanked her and am donating it to a family in need.

My advice is this...let them know next time that you truly appreciate all the stuff they are doing, but you are really overwhelmed right now and just don't know what to do with it all anymore, and you're pretty well set until the shower. If they keep getting stuff, keep what you like and donate what you don't. If it was my mom, I'd just flat out tell her what I thought...but if it's a relative, I'd just be passive, accept the thoughtfullness and donate it all later.

gmugrad9 · December 2009

As someone who has a 3 year old and has delt with this it doesn't just stop once the child is born. I finally had to say enough is enough. I did just say please no more old antique broken things please. I won't use it and just donate it.

I know I hurt her feelings but I said it is better if you want to give her a 1 dollar coloring book then a 5 dollar dirty old toy that I won't give to her.

StrawberryAlarmClock · December 2009

Thank you so much ladies. This advice is really great! I think I will use a mix of what everyone suggested. I'll start with the casual conversation about hoping I have enough dipes and wipes for when LO gets here, if that doesn't work, I'll have to put on my big girl pants and outright tell them that I have a registry. Maybe I could say I'll give them a sneak peak of the registry way before the shower so they feel special??? If it keeps piling up, I think I will have to just donate it. At least I'm getting some good karma out of it!

Thanks so very much! I really appreciate the genuine advice!

ScissorTailedFlycatcher · December 2009

StrawberryAlarmClock:

Thank you so much ladies. This advice is really great! I think I will use a mix of what everyone suggested. I'll start with the casual conversation about hoping I have enough dipes and wipes for when LO gets here, if that doesn't work, I'll have to put on my big girl pants and outright tell them that I have a registry. Maybe I could say I'll give them a sneak peak of the registry way before the shower so they feel special??? If it keeps piling up, I think I will have to just donate it. At least I'm getting some good karma out of it!

Thanks so very much! I really appreciate the genuine advice!

One more quick tip, drop MAJOR hints about 3 or 4 things you really NEED. Like, if you could ONLY have 4 items off your registry, what would they be? Since my ILs have yet to "buy us our gift," I've been dropping major hints about how we still need a crib mattress. Just a suggestion.

StrawberryAlarmClock · December 2009

shortyred919:
StrawberryAlarmClock:

Thank you so much ladies. This advice is really great! I think I will use a mix of what everyone suggested. I'll start with the casual conversation about hoping I have enough dipes and wipes for when LO gets here, if that doesn't work, I'll have to put on my big girl pants and outright tell them that I have a registry. Maybe I could say I'll give them a sneak peak of the registry way before the shower so they feel special??? If it keeps piling up, I think I will have to just donate it. At least I'm getting some good karma out of it!

Thanks so very much! I really appreciate the genuine advice!

One more quick tip, drop MAJOR hints about 3 or 4 things you really NEED. Like, if you could ONLY have 4 items off your registry, what would they be? Since my ILs have yet to "buy us our gift," I've been dropping major hints about how we still need a crib mattress. Just a suggestion.

Good idea. I'll pick something affordable but special.

scubaspot · December 2009

LovedWifey:
laurenrobbie:
I have this SAME problem and made a post about it like 10 weeks ago and got some great advice that I will pass on!
I felt bad telling them I didn't want to use their stuff b/c I didn't want to seem ungrateful. But after a while all this stuff was piling up and I knew something had to happen. Next time my mom (she is the one I was having problem with) brought some stuff over, I said, "thanks for these things, I think it's so nice that you want to shop for the baby, but the things we need most are on our registry". She was just slightly taken aback but I just kept cheerful and said, "well, I know you only want to get us stuff we will use! do you know how to go online to access the registry?"
But, she got more stuff. She gave it to me when I was over at her house, and I repeated the thing about the registry, and she said, "oh, but these items were only $10". And I said, "but I'm not going to use them, so I hate to see you waste your money!" Then I took that stuff and donated it to Goodwill.
She was over at my house a few weeks after that and we were in the nursery, and she said "where are the things I gave you?" and told her that I had donated them to Good will to a family that would love to use them. She was definitely a little pissed off but I said, "I wasn't sure what to do, I kept telling you we weren't going to use them, so I thought that perhaps there was another family somewhere that would like them."
Since then we have only gotten registry presents.
It does take a few awkward moments and maybe some mildly hurt feelings but I did get my point across and now everything is fine.

If someone can't afford your registry items this can be really hurtful and embarrassing.

I agree. You already said that they don't have a lot of money and suggesting that they go to your registry instead could be very hurtful. Right now they feel that they are contributing and being helpful and staying within their budget. Honestly I would just accept their gifts and then take what I don't want to a shelter.

Just like any gift it is not your place to tell them what they can and cannot get you, it is a gift. Accept it graciously and then do what you like with it. You can always throw in casually that you really hope someone purchases you diapers off your registry.

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