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Northern California Babies
To find out or not to find out the sex?
So, DH has wanted, from day one, to not find out the sex of this baby. We found out with DD but he really wants this one to be a surprise. I haven't been exactly keen on the idea but figure if it's important to him I'd do it.
Fast forward to my appointment last Friday. I'm just about 17 weeks and when I met with my OB she had just returned from her own maternity leave. We've got a lot in common and so we visited a little and talked about her leave. I mentioned the fact that we are not finding out but that I wasn't exactly loving the idea. She too decided to do the same thing for her husband. She mentioned that although the moment was special, she felt that she had a harder time connecting with the baby before she was born versus the fact that she did know with her previous two and had time to really identify with them as either boy or girl.
Later that night I brought this point up with DH. He thought about it and said "If you're going to regret it, like Dr. X, than maybe we should find out."
Now the issue: With DH's tentative agreement to find out the sex, I'm not sure if I should. Part of me has grown on the idea of keeping it secret. At the same time, I too am concerned about connecting with the baby before it's born. I felt like I really connected on a deeper level with DD once I knew she was a girl but I don't feel as intent about this issue now.
What do you think?
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Re: To find out or not to find out the sex?
The Monica in me had to know the sex. I had to be able to plan and prepare. I wanted to know if I needed to buy new clothes, bedding, etc. I am not one of those people who can find out the sex the day of delivery and then roll with the news (especially the second time around).
When is your big u/s appointment? Can you let DH think about some more, like really think about it, and then make the decision closer to the appointment.
Ditto all of this...and I still atest that there really are no gender neutral clothes. I think yellow looks like girl, green looks like boy.
But beyond the planning, I also really felt a difference in the bond once we found out her gender.
I agree with the pps, I had to find out, I needed to plan. I know people say it's the best suprise...but isn't finding out at 20 weeks just as much of a suprise. IMO it is.
And I agree with Katie, I didn't like any gender neutral clothing.
As for the bond, I can't say, I found out for both pgs but I do feel a much stronger bond now, knowing the gender...but also there's the movement that starts around the same time so I can't say if it's due to the knowledge of gender or movement.
We found out because I wanted to be able to use the correct pronoun. It's much nicer to refer to Bunny as "he" than "it."
I would have to find out the sex, because I can't wait! I also believe that it is surprise/special moment no matter when you find out and if you do it early you get to pick a name, plan things. So for me I had to know, and Dh is the same.
I had a friend who found out with #1, but did not with #2 so it would be "different". She said if she did it all over again she would have found out. I think because she had a girl, and everyone told her they thought she was having a girl... SHE thought she was having a girl. She had a boy. She was not prepared really at all because she found out the first time she had all girlie girl cloths from newborn on.
Maybe think about it and see how DH feels at the time of the ultrasound?
I felt similar to this and we found out the sex. Probably for a future child I'd want to find out too mostly for practical reasons....clothing, etc. Oh, and DH was more into waiting too, but he seemed to get over it ok.
well i'm the minority! we didnt find out with baby #1 and i LOVED not knowing! especially since i am the most type a person ever and no one could believe i could actually hold out. after having a miscarriage, to me, the sex absolutely did not matter and didnt change my bonding experience with the baby at all. the most important thing to me was that it was a healthy baby (as i am sure every mother feels this way) - and i have to admit, it was awesome to recieve so many things off my shower that i needed (stroller, bottles, bedding) vs receiving clothes which is what happens at every shower i attend where the sex is known. when everyone visited me in the hospital they brought baby boy clothes, so it worked out perfectly.
this time around i wanted to know, but to be honest, i dont think it has changed my bonding experience one bit compared to not knowing.
its a personal decision though - so good luck with whatever you decide!
I didn't find out when I was pregnant with the boys and I think I still connected with them based on how I saw them on ultrasounds and felt them moving around. But, that being said if we were to do this again, I'm not too sure how I'd do keeping it a surprise. I can't hardly wait when all my friends go to their big u/s and hear what they are having!
Not too sure if this would be an option but I've heard of a couple of very cute reveal stories. One was the doctor gave the parents to be an envelope with the gender written inside and they gave it to someone else (best friend, grandparents, etc). That person would go and get a gift that was specific to the gender and when the parents opened it, it would tell them what they were having. It might something to think about that maybe you and DH could do together.
I'm going to be the dissenting vote here. When my sister was pregnant the first time, my niece was very modest and never showed the goods. We all had so much fun guessing and giving nicknames and when she arrived, the moment of excitement as we realized she was a girl was overwhelming. Two years later, when my sister was pregnant with my nephew, he let it all hang out in the u/s. We were excited and we talked about him, called him by name. When he was born, the excitement was there but not like the first time when I felt like the room was buzzing. I honestly believe that knowing vs not knowing was the difference.
Jump to my pregnancies. We didn't find out the gender on either pregnancy at our big u/s. Eve was crowning and we were still guessing. My favorite quote in the delivery room was "Yep, that looks like a boy head." Not for a single minute do I feel like I didn't bond with my babies because I didn't know their genders. I gave them nicknames. I dreamt of how wonderful it would be to hold them and love them. We told stories about how if Critter (Eve) was boy, he'd look this way or if Critter was a girl, she'd be like this. There is no doubt that I bonded just as much with my babies as someone who knows their baby's gender. I don't think I would love my baby anymore if I would've known earlier that she was a girl. And believe me, there was just as much pink in my house within two weeks of her being born as there would've been if I had found out months earlier.
So, my vote is obvious. Don't find out. It's a completely different experience and one that you may never have the chance to have again.
I just wanted to say that because I bonded more with my DD once I knew she was a girl but that doesn't mean I feel everyone will. We are all different.
Honestly whether you find out or not is a very personal decision with very personal, specific reasons why that is best for YOU.
My aunt and uncle did this with their two...found out with the first, and then waited with the second. I can't attest to what she felt as far as bonding...but I know that they don't regret that b/c they got to have one-of-each kind of experiences. I've never known someone who regretted NOT finding out (though, I'm sure they exist...like your doctor, who expressed that), but I have known someone who went back and forth about finding out, then did find out and then regretted it a bit...she had sort of a letdown feeling, like - oh, maybe we should've actually waited.... I'd hate it if you had all this questioning and convincing, then found out and later felt like you wish you could have the experience of finding out on bday instead, kwim?
Right now, I know 3 pregnant ladies not finding out the sex (2 for the second time...didn't find out for 1, won't find out for 2...and one 1st pregnancy)...I feel like it's becoming more and more common. I've always said I would never find out, but I don't know how I'll be able to contain myself, honestly. I'll probably have to have you tell me all that I said above someday...haha. I feel like it'd be easier with the second, but what do I know, really?? LOL
GL with whatever you decide!!
For me I could not really see any big benefit to not knowing. My moment of suspense was hearing that first healthy cry no matter what the sex was so I felt like that was enough element of surprise for me. I did like having the name picked out at the time but that I think was a mistake. I think we should have had a "short list" and decided after she was born. I kind of feel like one of the other names we considered may have been more fitting, but i shortened her name a bit to make it more "her" right now. Maybe later she will fit her longer name.
I also see the benefit in not telling anyone even if you do know. As PP said, the gifts are very contingent on the sex. I got tons of girly baby clothes, a lot of it was not season appropriate and a lot of it was not stuff I would choose myself. I appreciate all gifts and I love that I have so much clothing too but it would have been nice to get other things, toys, linens, necessities and gender neutral clothes in case my next (if there is a next) is a boy.
I'm personally glad we found out the sex. I worry about bonding anyway - especially since I wanted a boy. Now that I know we're having a girl, I'm excited but it took a bit of an adjustment period.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
I did not find out and am so glad I didnt. I loved guessing still in the delivery room. And truthfully I know it doesnt matter if you bond in-utero at all. The importannt time is when the baby is in your arms.
Last thought is I think being pregnant with your 2nd is always differnet than your first..
br
I should probably clarify my answer: I worried about having a girl...and I still do. I'm scared to death. I just always saw myself as a mom of boys. If you have your heart set on one over the other (which I know is sort of a melodramatic way to put it), then I would probably find out. I think that because I have such anxiety over having a girl and our financial situation is so much different now than with our first, it is important to us to have as much advance warning as possible.
Can you have the tech write it down and seal it in and envelope and then you can do something special later, maybe that evening?
Or get a piece of pink and blue paper, and have the tech seal the correct one, then Anna can open it for you and tell you! That would be awesome!
We found out; I can't imagine *not*... but I also love making a big deal out of it!
We did not find out for any of my pregnancies. For all of my pregnancies the U/S technician put the gender picture into a sealed envelope for us "just in case" we really wanted to know. All of those envelopes remained sealed in their baby books. Gabe (3 1/2) keeps telling us that he's going to have another sister this time around and Grace (1 1/2) just wants another baby to hug and kiss.
I loved the excitement of it all in the delivery room because we were taking bets right up until I started pushing. I always thought I wanted to know in advance but the torture of not being able to shop for gender specific stuff that it was causing my MIL and Dad was well worth not finding out!
I think the financial argument is a good one for finding out. It would be easier to know if you needed more items that weren't girl-specific. I have to disagree though that if you've got your heart set on one gender (for reasons other than finances) that it's better to find out beforehand. Maybe this is naive of me, but I just don't see how you could hold your baby for the first time and be disappointed that he or she wasn't the gender you'd imagined or hoped for. I think that finding out during the u/s period gives you more time to dwell on it where you don't have that time if you wait.
And I'm not saying that anyone who hoped for one gender and found out at the u/s that the baby was the other was ever disappointed about their child. Just saying that there's less time for that emotion to take over and I would think that you'd just be excited for the one you had there in your arms. Hope that all came out all right. And for the record, I'm just playing devil's advocate here. I don't think there's one right or wrong decision -just the one you make that's best for you.
I guess until you've walked in my shoes or had the relationship that I had/have with my mother you wouldn't understand - nor did I expect you to in the two sentences that I wrote on the nest. I've spent more years than I care to admit terrified of having a girl - so although I appreciate the "devils advocate" approach, it feels very judgmental towards me. I certainly wasn't trying to state a case or put forth an argument - I was offering my perspective. One that's unique to me and was something that I am not proud to even admit. I find it hard to believe that a mom of a girl would not be nervous about having a boy...or even as a first time mom - I was scared of having a boy. My own mom even said "Oh my - what do we do with a boy?" And now it's my turn to say "Oh my - what do I do with a girl?"
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Lord knows that I'm grateful for this blessing and am thrilled to death to know that there is a healthy child waiting to join our family. If you had asked me if this was possible 10 months ago as we struggled and cried and cursed my body and karma and luck and God, we obviously would have said no way. I'll count my blessings until the day I die. The fact that we chose to find out the sex of our baby at 20 weeks vs 40 weeks was and is and will remain a personal one. There is no right answer - nor is there any reason to validate an argument - because this never was one.
It's really a personal decision so whatever Rox decides is what's right for her. Good luck deciding.
Our decision to find out when I was pregnant with Taya was mainly due to not finding out with my first. I wanted to experience my pregnancies both ways, if you will.
I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for my response to be a personal attack in anyway. I only quoted you because I thought you made a great point about finding out for financial reasons. And when I said devil's advocate, I wasn't thinking argument, I was thinking debate - trying to give different points of view for Rox to consider as she makes her very personal decision. Looking back, I should've used the words "scared" or "nervous" instead of "disappointed". I know each of us loves our children no matter what and by no means was I implying that you were disappointed you're having girl. I know you're so excited about her, as am I for you!
I'm really sorry that I offended you, D. I was never my purpose. Like I said before, I don't judge your decision or anyone else's to find out their baby's gender during an u/s. Frankly, it's none of my business and we all do what's best for us.
I had a DD prior to marrying DH - so when we got pg with B we wanted so badly to know & so did K. It was very exciting to plan for the new baby girl & we were so impatient; we wouldve never even considered waiting.
This time I feel completely different. I have 2 girls and would be happy either way - whether #3 was a boy or a girl. Both DH & I are seriously considering waiting to find out until delivery.
I dont know if we'll make it thru though! haha. I feel like one of us MAY cave. DH already has several times talked about when we find out! I think he doesnt want to stick to it.?
I just feel like its a nice way to end my pregnancies (if that makes any sense). If this is the last time I have a baby - Id love to experience the excitement of everyone saying "IT'S A BOY/GIRL!!!" after all the laboring & pushing.?
Im not concerned with bonding with the baby. Im a little concerned that I wont be able to work thru any gender?disappointment?PRIOR to his/her arrival but I think Id be equally excited for a boy or a girl this time.