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Some scars never heal completely....(abuse mentioned)

princess101princess101 member
in Babies on the Brain

I don't usually share on here but this isn't something I can post on FB so here goes.

DH and I were just sitting with Ryan because he woke up for a bottle and diaper change (his diapers don't hold all night). DH was pretending to talk like the baby and jokingly said "Don't hate me Mama" because our joke is to say "don't hate me" when one of us is frustrated with the other. I thought he said "Don't hit me Mama" and I about lost it. I immediately started to cry and told DH that that wasn't even funny and that I would never ever hit him. DH clarified what he said but by that time I was in full tears and rattled. 

I explained to DH that the because I was abused when I was younger I have always feared "losing it" and doing something bad to someone I love like hitting them. I could never IMAGINE doing something like this and it's only a fear because of the statistics that say people that have been physically/emotionally abused are more likely to perpetuate abuse later in life.  DH reassured me that he knows I would never do that and told me that when I have been really mad I've always left the situation and done the right thing.

 I hate that I still feel so fragile sometimes.Most of the time i'm fine but then something like this goes and opens up the old wound. 

I'm not looking for support, I just needed to vent. I'm no longer a victim and choose not to let that person that hurt me, hurt me any longer. Sorry to vent on you all. 

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Re: Some scars never heal completely....(abuse mentioned)

  • MrsShrek1028MrsShrek1028 member
    ((HUGS))
    Thing 1 = April 2008, 38weeks 8lbs 7oz 19in
    Thing 2 = May 2009, Stillborn 33weeks 4lbs 9oz 18in
    Thing 3 = October 2010, 27weeks 4days 2lbs 4oz 14.25in


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  • griffenhcgriffenhc
    *hugs*  I know how you feel.  Having had abuse in my past as well, this is a concern I share.  Not that I would harm a child, but that my fragility around the subject will always be there.
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  • AshleyyyyyAshleyyyyy member

    imagegriffenhc:
    *hugs*  I know how you feel.  Having had abuse in my past as well, this is a concern I share.  Not that I would harm a child, but that my fragility around the subject will always be there.

    This. Exactly. (HUGS)

    DD 8/1/2009
    DS 4/12/2013
    TTC in 2017 (maybe)
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  • JenandtonicaJenandtonica member
    Vent away. I wasn't physically abused, so I don't know where you're coming from exactly, but f*cked up things always stick around.

    My dad is an alcoholic, and I can't get past the fear that I'll be one, too. I'm extremely mindful of when I drink (moods and frequency) and how much, but I'm constantly judging myself despite never actually displaying alcoholic behavior.

    You aren't being a victim. You're reacting to a very real fear.
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  • mrs.klynnmrs.klynn
    Sorry you went through that, and that you struggle with those thoughts because of it. My counselor says it's pretty common to feel that way. I was abused for a few years when younger, now I'm currently a nanny for two little ones and while I know I would NEVER ever do anything like that, it's still a fear in my mind too.
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  • oh-zysbabyoh-zysbaby member
    Ryan is lucky to have you.
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