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Postpartum Depression
I had a long 10 months with PPD
A very long ten months. I didn't even know I was depressed initially. I hated my life. I wanted to rewind. I wanted OUT.
I remember DS was two or three weeks old and DH had just returned to work. I was alone with DS from 6 AM - 9:30 PM that day. DS wouldn't.stop.crying. I wouldn't stop crying. DH arrived home to me sitting on the kitchen floor holding DS, both of us sobbing. I told him I couldn't do it, I wasn't meant to be a mother.
DH was so understanding.
I was put on medication and spoke to a counselor. I was in denial about having PPD. I told myself I didn't need to talk to a counselor. I was fine.
I was NOT fine.
The medication was exacerbating the depression. My OB had put me on an anxiety medication. I went around thinking I just had a little bit of anxiety, not PPD. I cried if somebody looked at me wrong. I cried if I thought someone was angry with me. I cried when I was unable to do my job right. I cried when my clothes didn't fit.
I was completely angry with my life. DH and I were eating dinner one night when DS was a month old. I looked at him as I was crying and asked if we could give DS up for adoption. I was serious at the time. That makes my heart jump now and I have tears in my eyes as I imagine any sort of life without my precious son.
Yet I still loved DS more than anything in the world. A huge part of my PPD was anxiety. PPD can be masked as severe anxiety. I took DS' temperature daily. I always thought there was something wrong with him. I scared myself nightly while watching him on the monitor and I made myself believe, because he was kicking his legs, that he was having seizures. Panic attacks ensued. I woke my DH up and told him to watch DS. He looked at me wondering what thehell I was talking about. He was becoming less understanding.
At 5 months PP I went to my general practitioner for a suspected sinus infection. She asked me my symptoms and I started crying. I cried about a sinus headache..no, I SOBBED about a sinus headache. She was wonderful and asked me questions about my everyday:
"Are you short with your husband?"
"Do you cry easily?"
I answered yes to all the questions (there were many more than two) she asked. She asked if I was on any medication and I told her I was, Buspar for anxiety. She asked who had prescribed me that and I told her my OB. She told me to immediately stop taking it. She spoke to me a little bit about PPD and prescribed me an antidepressant, Paxil. She was wonderful - so understanding, so patient, just an unbelievable person and support.
Silly me. I took the medication for two weeks and stopped, thinking I was better. PPD likes to fool you. I was getting a little better with each passing week. Because I was so much better than I was the previous month I thought I was cured. I really don't think I was "cured" until I was 10 months PP.
PPD is a daily struggle. My sister is now 6 months pregnant and asked me "Will I know if I have PPD?" I thought for a minute and replied, "Not always. You may hate your life, you may feel like that farthest thing than yourself, you may be angry or cry a lot."
Ladies, if you are here and you think you *may* have post-partum depression TALK TO SOMEONE. Talking to a counselor is OK, talking to a friend is OK, having PPD is OK - its not taboo. More women face it than you know. Don't let anyone make you feel less of a person because of what you are feeling.
Lastly, it WILL get better with time.
Please, page me if you have any questions or need any sort of support.
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Re: I had a long 10 months with PPD
I cant believe you wrote this yesterday & no one replied to your post. It was a powerful story,thank you for sharing.
How are you feeling now?
Do you think you will have more kids?Thank you for sharing. I also keep thinking that I'm "cured" because I start to feel good for a few days and I hate taking pills. I really need to get over it and know that it just won't get better in a few days.
I figure if more stories about PPD are shared maybe it will be seen as less taboo of a subject. I was in the peak of my PPD when my MIL told me it was not appropriate to speak of such things.
I am feeling much better now. I have days, but they are very few and far between. My hardest days are when DS is sick - the anxiety likes to creep back, but not nearly as bad as it was.
We are not sure if we will have more kids. We are thinking about adopting because of a complicated pregnancy and traumatic birth experience. I think I would have more if it were just for the PPD alone. Time will tell, I suppose.