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1st Trimester
Personal topic...pretty lost and could use some advice...this is a long one
I know the majority of this site are people who have planned pregnancies and even unplanned pregnancies who are in a relationship, etc. so I wasn't sure about posting this but I really just need to get this off my chest because I'm pretty freaked and feel pretty alone.
I am in a situation where I found myself pregnant after dating a guys for just a few weeks. This guy has not been consistent what-so-ever and it's really drawing me into feeling pretty badly about my decision to keep the baby. I'm freaked out already and eventhough I do have a handful of great friends who support me, it's become a battle with the father of this baby.
One day he's fine, the next he's not and just this past weekend after not speaking for a little over a week, he talked to me on the phone for 35 mins trying to persuade me to have an abortion. I told him he's INSANE. Honestly, I did consider all options: abortion, adoption and keeping the baby, which I have chosen to keep him/her.
The thing is, if I have it, he's all up for adoption but when I provided him the option to sign off rights, he won't do that...I mean, WTF? Not that I would want my baby without a father but I figure if he is not going to support this decision, then he/she whould be better off. I never second guess myself but I am for some reason and I'm so mad at myself for letting him get to me.
Either way, I'm sure I could write on this forever.....sorry for the long post but I needed to get at least some of this off my chest. Thanks for "listening".
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Personal topic...pretty lost and could use some advice...this is a long one
First off I want to say welcome to this site. You will find all kinds of support and love from fellow pregnant women.
Second I would say to follow your heart and instinct with what you're feeling. I won't persuade you one way or the other since thats not my place but I will be here if you need somebody to talk to privately.
Good luck with whatever comes your way and definitely send me a message if you just want to talk to somebody. I can be here for you.
This!
This exactly! We're here for you!
BFP Nov 09 - c/p Dec 09
BFP Dec 09 - A&J born in August 2010 at 37w, 6d
BFP Sept 11 - ectopic pregnancy/left tube removed
BFP April 12 - E born December 2012 at 39w, 1d
Well, first off, don't be afraid to ask for advice here. We're all pretty open and honest and wiling to help.
Second, it's your decision as well, you don't need him. You could sue him for all rights, you could not name him at all and wait to see if he tries to get a DNA test, there are several options.
I say the best bet, if you know you wont be with him in the future I suggest talking to a lawyer, if you can't afford to meet up with one, contact a local university's law department and talk to them. Typically they do it cheap or even for free!
I had a similar situation with DD. Her bio dad tried to get me to have an abortion (as did his parents). He fortunately took himself out of the picture and has never met her...but does pay child support (I wouldn't budge on that). His loss - she is amazing.
I hope for your sake and your LO's sake he is either all in or all out. GL, you sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders.
(((HUGS))) - oh and I sent you a PM.
congrats on the pregnancy and you know this already, but never let anyone force you into anything you don't feel comfortable with!
you are starting a new life with your baby...thats the most important part!
~after 34 cycles we finally got our 2nd little bundle of joy~
My IF blog
Thanks to all of you! It's so incredible how warm and supportive people can be when they don't even know you. I lost my mom 6 years ago when she lost her battle to Alzheimer's disease. I had taken care of her the majority of my life and feel like I'm a pretty strong individual. I've stood up for myself and will continue to do so because I do know what is right and what I can live with. I just get so mad at myself for even letting him effect me. He's just a big mess and all over the place and I don't know how to deal with it since I have so much on my plate already...and the m/s doesn't help either. I'm just trying to de-stress the best I can and stay as happy, positive and optimistic as well.
It's so nice to know that the world is filled with such kind hearted, selfless individuals like all of you.
::hugs::
One of my good friends was in the same exact situation a few years ago & like you she decided to keep the baby, which she has never regretted! Her little boy is amazing & absolutely everything to her! Unfortunatly the sperm donor (as we call the guy) never could come around & is not in any part of the childs life, which is for the better.
I would just step away from the relationship if you do not feel that it is going anywhere or that you still want to be a part of it. If he comes around & grows up then handle that when it comes, but for now just focus on you & your LO. It is still early to discuss parental rights etc...and the he may just need some time for everything to sink in (sounds like it was a major shock to both of you!). Work right now on just surrounding yourself with a support system. Taking care of yourself is the most important thing at this point!
And we are always here to help/listen!!
*hugs* and welcome
And, you have mail :-)
I don't have advice from being in the situation myself, I wanted to say that I'm terribly sorry that he's making this difficult for you!! We're a pretty supportive bunch of people, so when you're feeling alone, feel free to jump on here and ask questions/talk/read... I haven't met anyone on here that I don't like and who isn't supportive!!
I have a friend who was in a similar situation and at the time of birth, when she gave the baby her last name, the 'father' flipped out even more, even though he didn't even WANT his son. I'd say play it by ear, do what feels best and most natural to you, and you decided to keep your baby, so congratulations!! Breathe, try to relax, and if you need to, take a break from even talking to the baby's father. If he's not being 100% supportive of you right now, then you don't need to talk to him. He'll figure out where his place in this child's life is eventually, but he does NOT need to make you feel like crap in the process of finding his own identity as a dad/sperm donor!! You need to feel as best you can, and I'm sorry I'm not much more help than that, but good luck, and PM me if you need to vent!!
i give you a TON of credit for even being able to make it this far. i respect your decision and don't let anyone try to change your mind.
my mother has alzheimer's disease and it is terrible. i am so sorry to hear about your mother. if you can make it through that, you can make it through anything.
i am here if you need to talk!
Congrats on your BFP...do what best for you and your child. I know a lot of single moms who do a great job taking care of their children. Sounds like he doesn't want to be a dad, so just be prepared to be a single mother. If he wants to a part of the childs life then great, if not, his loss not yours.
{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}} GL
Make a pregnancy ticker
I see these options:
Keep the baby for yourself, name his as the father on the birth certificate, and just deal with him. Which might not be that big of a deal as he may not be involved with the baby's life.
Keep the baby for yourself, don't name him as the father (pretty much deny he's the father), and see if he wants to pay the money for a DNA test to prove he's the father (I hear DNA tests are near $1000, but I'm not sure).
Have the child and give the chid away in adoption, still deny he's the father so you have all the rights.
Not sure if any of this helps. But you HAVE options and you HAVE the power here. Good luck, everything will be OK.
Also, if you decide to keep the baby for yourself, I bet in a couple of years you'll say it was the best decision you ever made (no matter how hard things may be).
Or if you decide to go with adoption, you have the ability to choose a good, appreciative family that will give the baby a wonderful life.
I hope that everything goes well for you and hopefully everything will work itself out with the father. I don't really have great advive, but as an attorney I would advise you to please please please talk to a family law attorney after the baby is born to find out all of your legal options.
All the paternity laws are different by state but in IL, it doesn't really matter if the father "signs" the birth certificate or not. It's surprising how many people don't really understand paternal rights. If he wants to be a part of the child's life (as long as he's not a dangerous person or something like that), he has a right to be a part of the child's life. If you are not married you will be offered a Voluntary Acknowledgment of Paternity at the hospital for BOTH of you to sign. IF he signs this document, he basically IS the father. You do NOT need a DNA test to rebut this document. It can be rescinded within like 30 days or 90 days I forget, but otherwise he is the father and cannot rebut the VPA with a DNA test. You can then go after him for child support even if he never sees the child again. The key is getting the VPA signed. If he doesn't sign one you still have options like then asking for a DNA test perhaps.
Bottom line is that the law is complex and generally speaking biological parents (both mother and fathers) have a LOT of rights to see their children. If he sticks around, signs the document, and participates in the child's life he may have a right to request visitation as well.
Sorry this response was so long, and I know it's probably WAY to early to think about all this, but I hope you have a great pregnancy, and just make sure you talk to a lawyer in your area to help you.
http://balletandbabies.blogspot.com
I want to give you a big, huge, whopping hug for having this baby!!!! Thank you so much for choosing life! I can't imagine how lost you must feel....but remember that you have the courage and the strength to make the decision that is right for you whether you raise the baby or choose a family through adoption. Could you talk to an adoption organization to get your questions answered? What ever decision you decide on...know that you are making the best decision for your little one. PLEASE come on any time and say anything you want to say.
Considering you guys have only been together a very very short time maybe leave it a couple weeks and revisit with him once he's had a chance to cool down. He's pretty freaked out (by the sounds of it) and likely is nowhere near wanting to cooperating. From a guys perspective he may feel trapped. Instead of embracing the situation with him - give him his much needed space and time. He will respect you for that and might come around quicker then you think.
My best guy friend went through this last year. He was pretty ipset but came around. It took him a couple weeks.
Lots and lots and lots of love to you and the baby.
First off, Congrats on your pregnancy. I say that with full understanding of your situation. I found out I as pregnant with DS after breaking up with his father who I was only with for a couple of months.
IMO you first need to put yourself in the mindset that you are responsible for yourself and LO. I agree with PP that you should take a step back from BF and figure out how you are going to make life work for you and baby assuming he isn't around. Hopefully at the same time he will do some soul searching. All you can do is leave the door open for him. If 9 mos. go by and he is not interested then don't have him there in the delivery room. If he doesnt' push for it, then it's up to you if you want him on the BC. He of course has rights and at least financial responsibilities, but my advice FWIW is to not force him into being a participant in the baby's life if he doesn't step up himself. I am also completely from the school that the chaos created by trying to make him or guilt him into the baby's life is no good for anyone involved. The best thing you can do is surround yourself with friends and family that give you the support you need. Let friends and family that are judgemental and not supportive fall by the wayside. And you may actually be very suprised by who steps up to support you.
Food for thought, what success do you see for your relationship after this? He sounds pretty upset, and not at all of the same mind set as you. Will you always remember/resent how he wanted to handle this "situation"? If you stopped talking to him tomorrow would he try to keep contact b/c of the baby? I personally would just stop all drastic conversations such as him giving up paternity. It's an emotional topic this early on. Why not just stop talking and see what he does. If he makes not attempt to contact than you have to decide if he is on the BC for financial reasons or leave him off for sanity reasons. You will never know if years from now he changes his mind and wants paternity and to be an infuence in baby's life. But worry about that if the time ever comes.
For what it's worth, you can do it on your own. Our story goes like this: DS turns 4 this weekend and all is well. I married Mr. Perfect 2 months ago and everything is wonderful. Looking back, the best decision I ever made was to not waste any energy on making a wrong relationship work. It was not at all easy and was quite a struggle for a while. It was lonely and with an less than rosey outlook for much of the past 4.5 years.
Be smart and practical about your decisions. T&P to you. And be sure to smile about your new adventure in life. Life is Crazy!
I'm glad you're sticking up for yourself and YOUR decision. The guy sounds like a complete idiot. It takes two people to make a baby. Everyone knows pregnancy is a possible outcome of sex and he should grow up and be prepared to share equally in the costs of the child, at least, if not in raising the child.
Also, do not think you will be doing the right thing for your child by forcing yourself to stay in a relationship with this guy. You will be doing the absolute worst thing for yourself and him/her.
I'm really sorry to say that unless this guy does indeed give up his parental rights you're probably stuck dealing with him---and trying to sucker child support out of him---for a very long time. It's pretty difficult to get sole custody, even, oddly enough, when the dad didn't even want the baby to begin with. I would start talking to an attorney now and at least educate yourself on what's to come.