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ambiguous loss
Goblue posted a good article recently on ambiguous loss. It was helpful to identify what I'm going through as such. I've been having strong feelings of loss, but not what I'd call PPD. I know I should be thankful that DD is home and thriving, but it seems that's easier said than done.
I guess my question is, how do I get past this? Those of you with older preemies - what's worked for you?
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Re: ambiguous loss
Honestly I think the thing that helped me most was time. Noah's first birthday hit me really hard and I was just taken back to all that I had lost and missed out on. The more time that passes the easier it gets. Sometimes it is still hard when my mommy friends talk about being big pregnant or taking their baby home with them, but it isn't something I think about everyday like I once did.
I know some people here have had counseling, I think that is a wonderful idea and i'm sure helps to heal the wounds faster. I was too embarassed to seek help and I felt like saying outloud that I was struggling would make me seem ungrateful for DS. Now I know that it is OK to have those feelings and it doesn't take away from how much I love my son.
Ditto the PPs- time. Talking to other preemie parents and knowing I'm not alone. But mostly, time.
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Honestly....time is what healed me.
I still have my moments and things that can trigger old feelings of sadness/guilt/anger/fear, etc. revolving around my inability to carry a baby to term, but I am so much better today than I was even six months ago. I am finally at a point where I have more happy memories with my girls here at home than I do upsetting memories from when they were in the NICU. The happy memories and developmental success now outnumber the the other stuff. It will come in time. I promise.
Time....yes, time. Your best friend and worse enemy.
Their 1st birthday was the hardest for me and then it started getting a lot easier. I don't think I will ever fully get over it, it will always be a part of me but time has helped ease the pain and helped me to accept it. Now I look at my two with great pride at what we've accomplished together as a family.
Thanks, everyone. It does help to know there are so many others who have gone through this.
Here's the link - https://www.prematurity.org/baby/ambiguous.html
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i was talking to the hospital chaplain and i was saying how everyone says you should just be grateful your child is alive, like i deserve less than a 'normal' full term pregnancy and healthy baby. also that i should be happy the baby is here. and i am, but i was and am very traumatized by having my baby 12 weeks early and missing out on an entire phase of my pregnancy. the chaplain said every mom she talks to feels this way. she said what alot of people don't understand is that grieving the loss of a full term pregnancy or an experience you were expecting, and being grateful your child is alive can live in the same house, side by side. that is so true. but what i have learned is this is one of those things you don't understand until you experience it. it's like learning how to ride a bike or play an instrument, you can see it, read about it, hear about it, but you don't really get it until you do it. i am still dealing with this as LO is in the NICU still. im not really talking to alot of people as everytime i mention another first i missed with my child, another parent with a full term birth has to say, oh there will be plenty more dieapers to change or times to feed him a bottle. but iwanted to be the first to feed him a bottle. i guess thats why breastfeeding has become attractive to me, b/c that is somethingonly i can do. I DO get to be the first to breastfeed him, only I can do that, no one else gets to take that from me. very few people understand where i am coming from so i just keep it to myself. even dh does not get it. he is we should just be grateful. we all deserve to get the full time with our babies, i dont' get why people don't understand that it's not fun or relaxing to have a baby in a hospital, mine is an hour away.
sorry i just needed to get that out there
i felt the same way, right after i had him i never wanted to have another, then a couple of weeks ago i had the strangest urge/desire to be pregnant again. skip the sick first tri, just go to the fun stuff. the stuff i missed. wow, im glad im not just crazy, no one i know understands me.
I totally understand. BFing is great - took us extra perseverance but was totally worth it. And I know a lot of moms say this, even on this board, to be helpful, but it was hard for me to hear from other moms "Oh enjoy the sleep you're getting while he's at the hospital." Um, no, I'm afraid I can't - I'm worried throughout the night, I'm still getting up every 3 hours to pump bc I want my baby to get breastmilk, I miss him and wish he was here. I didn't say any of that of course, but that's what I was feeling when I would be told that. Hang in there! You are definitely not alone in how you feel.