How to tell SIL who's TTC...

sara401 · November 2009

We plan on telling our parents at Christmas. My concern with telling DH's family at Christmas is that I don't want to hurt DH's sister's feelings. They have been TTC for a year. Plus, she has been very open about how badly she wants to be pregnant. We have been TTC for 2 years, so on one hand - I don't feel too bad. On the other, I know how much it sucks and I don't want to tell her in front of other people. Should we tell DH's parents a day early and then go tell them before we announce it to the rest of the family? Any other ideas???

ryaroberts · November 2009

I would tell everyone at the same time. It might hurt her feelings more if she finds out you made special arrangements around her getting upset.

Butterbean52 · November 2009

I think the important thing is to prepare her for what you are about to say, and then just, respectfully, say it. It doesn't really matter when you tell, just how.

And, congratulations!

araevg · November 2009

ryaroberts:
I would tell everyone at the same time. It might hurt her feelings more if she finds out you made special arrangements around her getting upset.

This.

MrsAmyB · November 2009

Interesting. we had trouble TTC, and have male factor infertility. I've always found it best to tell my friends in this situation in private and to be compassionate about it. I would tell her first, let her know you plan on announcing it, and then tell the rest of the family. My friends wouldn't be upset about me making special plans for them, they would feel like I'm being sensitive towards them and understanding of their pain.

I'm surprised the other TTTC'ers had an opposite answer, but I guess we all have different takes on this journey.

babymama863 · November 2009

i have a friend who lost her baby 5 days after birth and we have both been TTC. her the last 4 months, me for two. i asked her before if she would be sad if i got PG before her ( we are really close ) she said no but it was nice to talk about it before. we promised to tell only eachother and try to keep the secret for 12 weeks. i got PG first, told her, and she was very excited. not sure if you are that close to your SIL but maybe talking about it to her first would soften the blow. if role's were reversed would you be sad? i would if i were my friend but talking about it helps.

SweetBaby2004 · November 2009

We struggled TTC this baby and I always appreciated hearing about a pregnancy in private, so that I could absorb the information and come to grips with it. That way when it was announced to others (family, etc), I could be happy for them because I had already "mourned" for me and DH.

SIL announced her pregnancy 2 weeks after my chemical pregnancy/early loss in 2008 and I know she was nervous telling me. She called me up and told me. I had to do my best to be excited for her while all I wanted to do was get off the phone and cry. After I was able to do that, I was excited for her (she had had a m/c earlier that year as well), but I needed that time to be sad for what I had lost.

Good luck!

Ali9381 · November 2009

I agree with pp that it depends on your relationship and how you think she would react. One of my SIL's was pregnant while I was pregnant with DS and m/c during her 2nd tri. They have been TTC since then and DH and I discussed telling her about our news and decided DH would tell her first, on a day when I'm not there. He's always been close to her and probably would know how and what to say better. I saw her a day later and she was thrilled for us and I was glad to have done it that way rather than a big announcement during Thanksgiving meal. I guess you have to do what you feel is right.

swanck · November 2009

SweetBaby2004:
We struggled TTC this baby and I always appreciated hearing about a pregnancy in private, so that I could absorb the information and come to grips with it. That way when it was announced to others (family, etc), I could be happy for them because I had already "mourned" for me and DH.

SIL announced her pregnancy 2 weeks after my chemical pregnancy/early loss in 2008 and I know she was nervous telling me. She called me up and told me. I had to do my best to be excited for her while all I wanted to do was get off the phone and cry. After I was able to do that, I was excited for her (she had had a m/c earlier that year as well), but I needed that time to be sad for what I had lost.

Good luck!

This.

Show her you care about her situation by giving her time in advance to 'prepare' for what everyone will be hearing and talking about. I know it's upsetting to tell her, but she'll be happy for you, even as she struggles with her own situation.

Good luck.

katerena · November 2009

I would send her an email before hand and let her know that you wanted her to know that you plan on announcing but that you know it might be difficult for her to hear so you wanted her to be ready. Keep it short and sweet and tell her you love her. Good luck!

WaitingOnAMiracle · November 2009

I definitely agree with those that say to tell them in private. Even if she is happy for you, she's going to hurt. Its better if she is able to grieve in private.

sara401 · November 2009

Thanks girls! I really appreciate it - we'll definitely tell her before we tell the entire family. I would be upset if it was the other way around!

ape · November 2009

It depends in your SIL. If she is super emotional about it you may find telling everyone individually and not as a group better. This way she isn't forced to pretend to be happy for the few minutes she will most likely be jealous.

I know many very sweet women who have been trying to conceive and it just hurts when it feels like it's always someone else. Trying to conceal that in front of everyone on Christmas no less might be a tough pill to swallow.

Tiger80 · December 2009

MrsAmyB:
Interesting. we had trouble TTC, and have male factor infertility. I've always found it best to tell my friends in this situation in private and to be compassionate about it. I would tell her first, let her know you plan on announcing it, and then tell the rest of the family. My friends wouldn't be upset about me making special plans for them, they would feel like I'm being sensitive towards them and understanding of their pain.

I'm surprised the other TTTC'ers had an opposite answer, but I guess we all have different takes on this journey.

I agree with this totally. I'd also pull her aside and tell her in private. This seems the most sensitive thing to do to me. GL.

gringa78 · December 2009

Tell her in an email beforehand. This will give her time to process the news and be happy for you when she sees you. It's awful to be sideswiped by a pregnancy announcement and then try to look happy for the rest of the party.

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