My baby boy Marik (long read)
November the 20th my husband and I went into the hospital to have them try to flip my baby boy because he was breech. The nurse came in and couldnt find the heart beat, they did a ultrasound nothing(I was used to seeing the heart beat so it scared me) they did a more advanced ultra sound nothing. We sat in the room for another hour and a half finally my docter came in. She asked what was going on and we told her we havnt been told anything. She told us the words that still echo through my head " Vanessa there is no heart beat, your baby died." She told it to me upset herself. Just that Wednesday he was fine heartbeat great, nothing odd. Even the day before we went in I could swear he moved plenty.
Our friend was there when they told us, then we called others to tell them what happened. My dad was there very fast he only lived a few miles away. Our other parents came as fast as they could. They asked if i would like to go home and I wanted to have a C section right away. We waited for my mom to get there to be in the room well they did surgery. Surgery was scary just because I never had anything done before. My heart started going out but they were able to stablize it later. My husband just could see me in pain so he was not in the room.
After the surgery was done Mairk ( 6pds 10ozs and 18 1/2 inches long) was brought into the room with our family for everyone to hold him. My grandma working in the OB floor for 20 years was very happy that they did this now. Everyone was happy to hold him at least once and kiss him and tell him they loved him. They brought Marik down to were I was being watched and I saw how perfect he was. My husband and I held him then saw how much he looked like his daddy yet had my big nose.
After they said I could be in my room they brought me to recovery because I knew I could not be in the same area of the hospital were we could hear other babies. I was out of it but my husband talked to me and told me everything would be alright. I just kept thinking on how Marik looked just how I thought. Olive skin, dark hair, long fingers and just like his daddy. It was hard to see him agian but I was glad to do so.
The hospital where I went made plaster peices of his hands and feet, they also made us another little box that had his first hair cut clippings, hand prints, foot prints,just very special things for us to remeber Marik. (They asked if we wanted these things and at first we said no we didnt want to have that pain of seeing it. My grandma* the one that worked on the Ob floor* told us to do it she said we would regret it. She was right if we didnt do this we would be always wondering what he looked like or be mad we didnt have prints to put in his baby book.) There is also a photographer that comes in and takes pictures for free that came and did a amazing job for us.
I felt bad because the drugs they put me on made my mind numb. I cared but couldnt show it, I couldnt let it out. We had so many people come and see us. It was good to see my parents. Also have my grandpa tell me he loved me, he never said it before. They did tests on my heart to ensure it would be ok, and as far as I know I ust have to be careful. Low Blood pressure runs in the family, but its only the women on my dads side that are skinny. So I need to gain lots of waight to be compltely ok but that would send me into high blood pressure and be worse.
We got home and my husband already took down the nursery half of our room. It was hard to go in there, but I had to sometime. Being home helped me so much my sister also stayed a few days so my husband didnt need to be caring for me every secound.
I have so much on my mind. What if they would have just indused me, what ifs are just constant. The biggest thing for me is I just expect to hear that cry of being hungry and breast feeding. My boobs are still leaking and everytime they do it gets me worked up so much. The one thing that does help me thou is the love and support from family and friends. Also knowing Im not alone in this happening, at first it felt like I was alone like why am I choosen to this to happen to. We recieved a book from a cousin that I just found out the same thing happened to there first child. Its called mommy please dont cry, it helped me so much.
I wanted to write my story because I thought it would help me, and it did. We are going to try to have another baby and like the docters say they are going to keep a closer eye on me. If he is doing ok and he is breech or if i go through the extreme iregular labor pains (bracs and hichs) they are just going to induce me if I am far enough along.
With everyday I always think of what he is doing in heaven.
To all the mothers and fathers I pray for all of us to have a better day, I know it doesnt get easier but I just hope people know their baby girl or baby boy is in a better place.
Re: My baby boy Marik (long read)
BFP #2 4/13/10. Bridget born 12/28/10
BFP #3 Finn born 8/11/15
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Missed m/c 11.09 | Missed m/c 3.10 | We miss you & love you so.
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Formerly toddandjulie
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. It broke my heart to read your story. I lost a baby at 18 wks and it was really tough to get through. Im glad you took your grandma's advice about the stuff the hospital gave you. I treasure everything I got from delivering Grace.
I hope that you find comfort here on this board, know that we are here for you! {{hugs}}
My deepest condolences to you and your family. I dont even know what to say. Those keepsakes they gave you are great and I am glad you took them, your gram was right. Thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family, and remember we are here if you need us. (((HUGS)))
Kel
I'm so sorry for your loss--that is absolutely devastating. Please know that we're here for you whenever you want to talk.
We also have a late loss/stillborn/infant loss group that checks in on Wednesdays if you want to come back and share more.
((HUGS))
My Blog
I am so so sorry for your loss. I lost my baby at 41 weeks just hours before I was scheduled to go in for an induction. Please PM me if you would like to talk or vent or whatever. And please know that while I'm sure it doesn't feel like it now, each day gets a little better.
My thoughts and prayers are w/ you.
BFP #2 10/29/08 ...stillborn via c/s @41w 7/20/09
missing my baby everyday
BFP #3 1/20/10 My angel's little sister Grace Madison was born September 8th 2010 @37w. We're so blessed! Thank you angel for getting her here safely.
BFP #4 12/30/11. Jackson Christopher 8/22/2012 via repeat c/s @ 37w 3d