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Attachment Parenting
caeliesmom
member
The CIO post below got me thinking
caeliesmom
member
I know ap is about responding to your babies needs and not letting them cry alone therefore, CIO pretty much goes against AP. However, my experience with dd got me thinking that about whether or not it is possible that a baby may need to be alone at times or is the assumption that they would not be able to want that.
My dd was a nightmare to get to sleep during the day, she actually slept great at night by 8 weeks I was getting a 6-7 hour stretch out of her. But that was after being awake for up to 5 hours, I think once she was awake from 1pm-10pm. At 12 weeks I was spending hours holding her while she screamed bloody murder. I tried everything, nursing her to sleep, wearing her, walking her, rocking her, the stroller, the car, it always involved her screaming for about 45 minutes to an hour so that she would sleep maybe 30 minutes so that I could actually attend to my own needs before she was up again to nurse. And there was nothing physically wrong with her, she was perfectly happy until I tried to soothe her to sleep.
When she hit 4 months I decided to just let her cry in her crib b/c I was losing my sanity. I walked away she cried 15 minutes and slept for 45. Within a week she was taking 3 2 hour naps a day and she was the happiest baby and would wake up smiling.
So what do you think? Could they have a need to be alone, which in this case CIO might be appropriate or am I just stretching so I don't have to feel guilty about it anymore?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: The CIO post below got me thinking
I do think every child is different. And I can't say my kids haven't cried to sleep. But for my family it doesn't work to leave them alone to cry...they would never calm down. So we hold them or rock them or walk with them. But that's what works for us.
I might get flamed, but...
My dd would cry for up to an hour while being rocked to sleep. Using a carrier or nursing to sleep didn't work. It was really distressing. I finally gave up and put her down to cry in her crib. She cried for 20 minutes and fell asleep. The next night she didn't cry at all when I put her in crib and she's been a phenomenal sleeper ever since (she's 4 years old now). As soon as she was mobile she would crawl to her crib when she wanted to sleep, and as soon as she could talk she would tell me when she wanted a nap or bedtime.
I am convinced that for her the rocking actually agitated her - she just needed to unwind on her own.
this.
I think every baby is different. As long as you're reading your child's cues, I don't think you can go wrong.
I know this board tends to be militantly anti-CIO -- probably in part because everyone else in the world seems to think that CIO is the only option. But, really, a few minutes of crying is not going to hurt any baby or cause that baby to not be attached or to have problems as an adult. Night after night of being left to scream -- sure. But every baby has had to cry at some point (whether in the car or whatever). I'm sure your daughter is fine!!
Most sleep books will tell you to not rock, not sing, not talk to your baby but just quietly hold them and mayby murmur/coo but nothing to stimulate them and wake them even more.
DD will sometimes cry when she goes down for a nap. If I go to soothe her, she won't sleep and will cry more. But I listen on the monitor and now I know the difference between "wah I am overstimulated and overtired and I don't want to sleep just yet" and "I am really upset and hurting and sad" crying. When it's the former, if I leave her alone she will pretty quickly go to sleep. When it's the latter, I go immediately to her, but sometimes it's just to press my palm to her back so she knows she's not alone because I know holding her will wake her up completely and make her cry more.
My son is definitely one who is stimulated by our very presence and cries/fusses himself to sleep 99% of the time. Most nights it's less than 5 min. but it's nearly every night.
It took me MONTHS of him being sleep deprived to figure him out because he's not a "typical" baby. He does not do well when he is put down at the first sign of drowsiness. He does not do well when he's put down drowsy but awake. He does not do well when I try to rock him to sleep.
He gets the best sleep and the most sleep when he is allowed to get good and tired and then put down by himself. It goes against pretty much every sleep book which is why it took me so long to figure out.
That said, I definitely have my limits and won't let him cry more than a certain amount of time and I know the difference between the sound of a tired *I'm gonna fall asleep soon* cry and a pissed *get me the f out of here right now* cry that means that he won't fall asleep. As we speak he's playing at my feet (11:18 pm) and we've tried to put him down twice now. I know some moms who would think I'm a bad mom for not sticking to my guns and letting him cry longer. But I refuse to fight in a mommy war.
I'm glad to know my dd is not the only one that seems to need to fall asleep alone. I always felt in the rational part of my brain that I was reading her cues and that she needed to be put down and left alone, but then I read all these OMG how could someone let their baby cry alone posts, CIO is selfish yada, yada yada posts and I start feeling like I did something wrong along the way.
I get that this is the AP board, I just feel sometimes that maybe CIO can be in the babies best interest. I know there are a ton of people who will disagree with that b/c it goes against attachment theory but I don't feel like it necessarily always has to. Would it have been better to let her scream in my arms for an hour just so she wasn't alone or to have given her the space she seemed to need? I guess I'll probably never really know.