5 Years ago today

Today is my son, Jack's 5th birthday.  It is also the day we lost his identical twin, Samuel.  I can't believe it has been 5 years.  5 years ago today was the most wonderful (Jack) and the most devastating (Samuel) day of my life.  It was and always will be bittersweet.

Just a quick overview of a very long story...at 35.5 weeks I went to a routine OB appointment.  I had a very healthy identical twin pregnancy.  At my routine appointment, no heartbeat was found on baby b.  I was sent upstairs to delivery, where they confirmed thru ultrasound that baby b had died.  I was alone and waited for my family to show up.  After telling dh, they scheduled me for an emergency c-section.  In a matter of hours I went from a normal day to watching a priest bless my baby as I said goodbye to him.  Then had to start worrying abot my other son who was born premature and sent to the nicu.  After 5 years I still have no answers and still can not make sense of it.

But...I got thru these 5 years.  I have my moments where I break down.  I have people who will never understand .  but, I am still here, in one piece.

We will celebrate Jack's birthday by taking him to the movies and then we will go to the cemetary to visit his brother.  A birthday tradition that he is used to, unfortunetely.