- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Infertility
patchen30
member
"Discussion" With DH About IF (Long)
patchen30
member
in Infertility
Sat. night DH and I were going out and there was going to be a girl there who I know has been having TTTC. DH told me to prepare myself that she might announce a pregnancy. I said that it wouldn't upset me as much if she did since I know she was struggling.
Obviously that is not the most generous way to think but it is human. DH proceeded to give me a lecture about how I can't be so bitter b/c it will show, and I can't begrudge someone's pregnancy, and then got into how I can't expect everyone to know how to address IF b/c it's an "unnatural" thing to talk about.
I argued that although he had a point I'm not a robot and this is hard on me and I can't exactly control the way I feel and wasn't he on my side. Also that IF is not a freak condition, and we shouldn't be ashamed to discuss.
He rephrased and said people don't know how to address IF b/c they don't know how to talk about really sensitive topics (illness, death, etc.), and it's not b/c it's "unnatural". I agreed with him on that.
He then said that although I'm always reminding him that we should be in this together, I never ask him how HE feels about it. He didn't want to get into it right then b/c we were on our way out the door. But the truth is, I'm afraid to ask him how he feels. I'm afraid he'll say how hard it is for him and it'll break my heart, and I'm mostly afraid that he'll say he can't handle it and wants to give up or something.
Also interesting is the fact that he thinks we talk about IF all the time - and I think we talk about it little.
Anyway, just wanted to share. IF can bring you closer, but it is also scary sometimes how much stress it can put on your marriage. We didn't talk about it at all yesterday and needed the break.
TTC in 2008. Stage II/III endo, Hashimotos hypothyroid, low morph (3%).
2 cycles Clomid/Ovidrel/TI/Crinone=BFN.
IUI #1 - 4 Follistim/Ovidrel/IUI/Crinone = BFN.
IVF #1 - Antagonist w/ ICSI 4/10. 17 retrieved, 5DT of 2, BFN 
IVF #2 - Long Lupron w/ ICSI 6/10. 15 retrieved, 3DT of 2, BFFN!!
Lap 7/21/10
IVF #3 - Clomid/Antagonist w/ ICSI 10/10. 14 retreived, 3DT of 3, BFP 10/20 but m/c. No HB 11/15/10 - D&C 11/17/10.
FET - 2 blasts, 1 survived the thaw. Transfer 2/19. Beta #1 3/1 375, Beta #2 3/3 885, Beta #3 3/8 4261, Beta #4 3/11 9005. U/S 3/8 1 sac 1 yolk, U/S 3/16 1 heartbeat 114bpm!
James born Oct. 24th 2011 via c-section at 38 weeks!
Surprise BFP - Jack born April 28, 2013 via VBAC after PTL at 33 1/2 weeks!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: "Discussion" With DH About IF (Long)
You're right. IF does put a lot of stress on a marriage. It hasn't been easy for us either. But I think it pulls dh and I closer together every time we get through it together. It has also forced us to communicate in a better way. I think your conversation with your dh is a start - it sounds like you got a lot of stuff out.
(((hugs)))
Unexplained Infertility
After two Clomid cycles, three injectable IUI cycles, two IVFs, two miscarriages, and one lap surgery, IVF #2 has brought us our little boy!
TTC #2
After months of being postponed or cancelled, FET #1.3 (Natural FET) brought us twin girls!
It sounds like a good productive conversation that will hopefully be a start of more good conversations. Men and women are different in how they communicate, and studies show that men experience more negative emotions than women (women tend to use soothing self-talk to calm down, while men tend to focus on negative affect in their self-communication), so your DH may simply experience the IF conversations that you have more intensely and feel more negatively about them than you do, whereas you don't think that you talk about it that much. It might be important to check in with each other more often to see if you can reach a middle ground in how you communicate about IF.
It is going to be difficult for you to hear how painful it is for him, so when you have the heart-to-heart, make sure that you're somewhere where you can both be upset and cry and mourn together and take time to process this. IF does bring a lot of stress to a marriage, but it doesn't have to drive you apart; you can use it as a way to get closer together.