HELP! (long)
Just needing some advice. I know its long but just something to let you know the situation I am in...a few questions at the bottom...Thanks.
I do believe dh and I are going through a trial separation that I don't see NOT leading to divorce. We have been together over 5 years and have a 3 year old. Got married in June and not pg with twins.
I am so scared. I don't know what to think or do. I try to act like I don't care or it doesn't affect me but I know when I am up crying constantly all the time, it is affecting me.
I love him so much but he treats me like crap and always gets pissed off because I wont do him all the time or give him 'favors' (he used to not be like this at all!) Can you believe he has had the audacity a few times to tell me either that since we went out and he paid I could 'repay him later' or if I wanted something I needed for myself of lo's, i had to 'do something for him' ....WTF! I am not a damn wh*re! UGH what an as$hole! I know I can be a b!tch but honestly, I was not this way until he started disrespecting me like that. He always calls me a pushover b/c I don't stand up for myself but when I do now, he goes on to say 'ha, you are not going to do anything'.
He has not touched me but the emotional abuse is more than I can handle and I swear I could see the rage in his eyes the other night and he came about an inch away from hitting me. I don't want to wait around for it to happen. I tried to leave on the 25 and he called his mom to tell her I took the car (she is letting me use hers but I pay for everything) and I was driving unsafe at 11 pm. She called me and told me I had to come back and sleep in the guest room or something...wtf! We just moved up here at the end of July and I am doing my internship and working (so really, I cannot leave yet :-( no matter how bad I need to) I feel TRAPPED! My family is so far away (a few hours) and I don't know anyone but his family here so IDK what im supposed to do if something happens.
He is constantly telling me that I am not going to get our ds b/c I am not working right now. I am working a part-time job to help with bills while doing a full time 11-12 hour mon-fri UNPAID internship so that I can graduate with my teachers certificate in 3 weeks. Funny thing is that after I graduate I will be making at least 2x what he makes at his grocery store job...He doesn't appreciate everything I am doing for this family. He stopped going to college b/c working and school became 'too much' for him but I have been doing it for 5 1/2 years...UGH!
Again, sorry so long. I so could go on (about him cheating or telling me I am worthless, or wondering why I don't trust him...sh!t, he cheated!, and constantly talking about going to get what I won't 'give to him' from someone who will want to...UGH)
Exhausted all of our options: we have tried counseling, 'talked through it", gone to a mediator, etc...etc.
I think he wants this separation ONLY so he can sleep around. WTF! That makes me feel like crap. He's like 'well, you can too and you can get even for before when I did *****" AHHHHHHHHHH! I am not like that. I told him I know what its like to be cheated on (BY HIM!) and I don't want that on anyone. It would prob be worse on me b/c I don't think I could live with myself if I did something like that...
Basic questions are how did you guys get through it? What can I do to alleviate the stress? Will I lose my son and lo's?
I know that we have kiddo's but when I first got pregnant with ds, a good friend of mine said do not settle and stay with him just for the kids, especially if its not healthy...all my mil can talk about is "oh the kids", "ya'll better figure this out", "i didn't know it was like this"...well, I know we have kids, she acts like I have not exhausted all of our options before this decision, and of course she didn't know, we are the type to not keep our sh!t on the street! UGH!!!
Mommy to Markhas Aiden 10-4-06 Born at 29 weeks
& Spontaneous Twins, Mackayla Grace and Braylon Deion 3-12-10 Born at 36 weeks 1 day
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MY B.L.O.G.
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Re: HELP! (long)
I'm sorry you are going through this. I am much older than you and on my second divorce. My first ex was much like yours, mentally and physically abusive. It was very hard being on my own but totally worth it being away from the day to day stress of living with my ex.
You need to do what you think is right for you and your children, not what the rest of the family thinks. Do you want your son growing up watching his father treat you like that?
Secondly, you are NOT going to lose your children. You H is playing you, being manipulative. Google divorce and custody laws for your state and educate yourself. I would keep it all to myself and not engage in coversation with him about it. Keep going to school and get your degree. Save money w/o him knowing about it. Is there anyone you can borrow money from if you need it? Find a divorce attorney in your area and make an appnt to talk to them about your case. Most will give a free consultation. It will make you feel much better and educated about what the laws and rules are. You'll know when he's bullshi!!ing you. You probably won't be able to file until the babies are born.
Women are so much stronger than men. Educate yourself, ask a lot of questions, and trust your instincts. You'll be fine. You're a woman and a momma...
You will get through this- since you said he is emotionally abusive to you the best thing you can do FOR your kids is to be strong and to show then that the way your husb. is treating you is NOT the way you treat people. The way I would alleviate stress in your situation is to make a decision about what you want to do and stick to it. Get all of your stuff in order- if you are not saving money in a seperate account from his start now.
He will not take your kids but it is a very common thing for people to say. He is most likely saying it because he is trying to control you or he is scared he will lose his kids himself(probably a bit of both). Something that is common is that you will become the CP of the children, he will get visitation and he will pay you child support. Not saying that is right or wrong but that is the court bias unless he can actually prove that you are unfit.
If you are strong enough to put up with this man for the past 5 years then you are strong enough to leave him. I knew it was the right decision to leave my ex (who has bi-polar & was very controlling/aggressive and verbally abusive. Trust me when I say I know how you feel.) because I decided one day that my son deserved better & that his dad could not give him that. It would have been my fault if my son grew up & turned out to be like his dad because I allowed us to live in a situation like that. It sounds like your internship will be up soon. Start looking for apts & find some people who can be emotionally supportive of you. Co-workers, friends, family. Even if they are a few hours away a long phone convorsation can help a lot! Get it in your head that yes, these next few months will be hard & there will be many tears but know that it is the right thing to do for yourself & the babies. "If God will bring you to it, God will guide you through it."
Good luck.