* * POST PARTUM Hell...Depression, Anxiety, etc. * *

just_peachy · November 2009

Hi Everyone!

Blessings to everyone who had a baby in the past month. I've been MIA since last Sunday when I gave birth to my sweet little boy. He came quick and a bit unexpected and was delivered unexpectedly by C-section.

I'll share the birth story another time.

This past week I have held my baby in my arms and can feel the miracle he is - - - but due to pre-existing conditions of SEVERE anxiety/nerves and Depression...I once again bottomed out. I know my hormones are all over the place but I am in a place of complete distress.

I feel like I'm on Auto Pilot. If it weren't for my family and my husband, I would be in a ball somewhere just crying.

Not only was the C-section a bit of an ordeal for me but the recovery time (since SUnday) has been one day following the next with sheer misery.

What a way to welcome a new beautiful baby into the world, right? The guilt I have for not being able to have it together for him overwhelms me.

I am so thankful for his health and well-being and for the love/support of others around me but the emotional/physiological pain is just rediculous.

I am being treated medically and professionally but I just wanted to know if anyone else out there is going through a kind of HELL with the birth of their joy!

You can email me at bluerosemlm at yahoo. No matter how hard I try, I can't relax...I'm just so weak and tired and agitated and my heart is beating a mile a minute. Wouldn't wish this kind of hell on anyone.

Irony is, I am blessed with a piece of heaven while I endure this hell.

Thanks for listening and I hope all of you embrace your babies with love!

maze_bright · November 2009

Idk how messaging works on thebump, but I wanted to say that I KNOW exactly what you're dealing with. For the first two weeks PP all I could think of was how I wanted the misery to end. I have serious pre-existing depression/anxiety/insomnia issues and they got 10 times worse PP. I, too, felt extremely guilty for not being thrilled and rested and confident, etc. I highly recommend keeping in good touch with your doctors and remembering that almost everyone goes through something like this PP. No one talks about it very much when you're pregnant, though, which I think is unfortunate. I wish someone could have prepared me for this. It has gotten worlds better for me, and it will for you, too. Get a little sleep if you can. It makes such a difference! If you can't, get a sleep prescription immediately.

GL, friend!

AMYfromKY · November 2009

Here is my birth story (sorry long) I had a lot of feeling of resentment at first. I am totally past it now, but it was a hard time for me.

I hope your Drs are able to get everything figured out for you and that you are feeling better soon. RIght now try to focus on getting better and then being a mom.

I think I'm finally ready to write this out. While Henry's actual birth didn't include any horrible complications, afterwards can only be described as the worst time of my life.

October 5, 2009 started out just like any other day. I had to go in for my bi-weekly non stress test thanks to Henry being stubborn and not wanting to move much some days. I just so happened to have my 40 week appointment that day so I scheduled it before hoping I would be in labor and could skip the 30 minutes of laying on my left side clicking a button. I was not in labor, but after a ton of begging (which had been going on for 2 weeks- I'll explain my reasoning later) and an elevated BP reading my Dr scheduled my induction for the next day. I happily skipped off to my NST all while telling Henry that I needed him to be good during the NST because I had a lot to do before the next morning.

As always, Henry didn't listen. He refused to move and his heart rate kept dropping into the 120's and then shooting up into the 180's. The nurse sent me home and told me after the Dr looked at my NST results that she'd call me. 2 hours later I was packed up and on the way to the hospital to be induced.

We got to the hospital around 2pm and hung out until 4 when my Dr came in to check me. Just as I thought...barely effaced, maybe fingertip dilated, and Henry's head was high. Just as I'd done for the previous 2 weeks, I told the Dr that he hadn't dropped because he was stuck on my hip. Around 4:30 I was started on cytotec to soften my cervix. I started to get a few contractions, but nothing too painful. I didn't sleep the whole night because I was just too excited.

The next morning the Dr came in and checked me...no change and surprise surprise Henry hadn't dropped. Nevertheless they started me on Pitocin and oh my god contractions really suck. Since I wasn't progressing I couldn't get an epidural and the pain meds they gave me only worked for about an hour. Around 5pm my contractions started to get unbearable. I seriously wanted to kill anyone in the room who dared to make a sound. At 7pm I started throwing up and that's when I declared if Henry hadn't dropped that I was finished.

At 7:30pm the Dr checked me again and I hadn't made any progress. He told me they'd turn off the pitocin and start the next day. I told him if he stopped the pitocin that I was leaving and not coming back. I told him to cut me open and get Henry out. I knew he was stuck and I felt like something was wrong. He obliged and at 8pm I was being wheeled into the OR. I had never been so scared in all of my life.

I started to have an internal panic attack when I got into the room and told the nurse I was going to die. I almost called off the whole thing, but I knew that wasn't an option. The spinal was a breeze and once I was numb I knew there was no turning back. I continued to throw up while the anesthesiologist pumped me full of nausea meds. When Andrew was allowed in the room they had already had me cut open (I had no idea).

The c-section was so easy. I felt a little tugging, but no pressure or anything. I got a little nervous when I heard the Dr asking for a vacuum, but a minute later they said "dad get your camera ready. Here he comes." Guess where the camera was...In Andrews jeans pocket which was inside his suit they had him put on. I remember saying "Andrew!" in a condescending tone, but our quick thinking (and wonderful) anesthesiologist ripped open Andrew's suit just in time for him to get pictures of Henry being pulled out.

Henry was born at 8:30pm on October 6, 2009. He weighed in at 8lb 90z and was indeed very stuck (which I knew all along). The Dr said he would've never been born vaginally and that made me feel good that I made the right decision.

Most moms will say the moment they heard their baby cry they were in love. That wasn't the case for me. Henry screamed like I had never heard a baby scream before. It was not cute and being on all of the pain meds I was on I thought "What the heck kind of sound is that." I was happy he was healthy, but that honestly was the extent of love I felt for him at the time.

After Henry was cleaned up we were rolled into the recovery room where my mom was waiting. I continued to throw up and was pumped full of phenergan so that's where my memories of his birth stop. I faintly remember the nurse holding my boob while Henry nursed, but then I passed out.

The next morning I woke up and realized that I had in fact had a baby. We were discharged 2 days later and that is where my post-delivery hell began.

The second night we were home I developed a horrible backache. I blamed it on the birth and went on with my night. The next night my back hurt so bad that I had to have Andrew get up with Henry. I honestly couldn't take the crying when I was in so much pain. Later that night my stomach started hurting as well. The next morning I woke up and I had rolls on my ankles. I was a little alarmed so I called my Drs office. The nurse assured me this was totally normal and was because I was pumped full of fluids.

That afternoon I started really hurting. This is also when I started to resent Henry. I hated his crying and thought "why can't he just shut up." I hated having to pump for him to eat and was sure we had made a huge mistake. I ended up calling the Dr the next morning and went in for an appointment. That is when I heard the horrible words "You need to go to the hospital now and check yourself in." I just broke down in tears. I had a 5 day old baby and he wanted me to go to the hospital. I ended up taking Henry in with me and had all intentions of keeping him in my room until thankfully some mom logic kicked in and I realized the hospital was not for a baby.

I was at the hospital for 3 days. I was hooked up to an IV and eventually diagnosed with pre-eclampsia. Apparently I started to develop it at the end of my pregnancy. The last 2 weeks of my pregnancy I had a feeling something was wrong. I begged for an induction, but Drs don't schedule inductions because of mommy instinct...even if it's correct. My blood pressure shot up and I was put on Magnesium Sulfate (aka the medicine of the devil). The mag sulfate made me feel horrible and I just sat in bed feeling sorry for myself. On the morning of the 3rd day the nurse let me know my liver enzymes weren't dropping and I was stuck at the hospital for another night. I seriously thought I was going to lose it. I finally cut a deal with the Dr and she said if my numbers went down later in the day that I could go home. Luckily they did and I was on my way to see my baby.

Right when I got home Henry started crying and I instantly resented him again. I cried because I was so afraid to be alone with him and was so worried I'd hurt him in some way. I have never been so scared of myself in my life. I didn't know how I could have such thoughts. This went on for a two days (luckily my mom was staying with us) until I started feeling like I had a fever. I called the Dr and he wanted to send my back to the hospital again.

By this point I was totally numb. My emotions were so screwed up and I wasn't myself at all. I ended up being in the hospital for 3 more days. While I was there my temperature went up to 103 and I swore I had bacterial meningitis and was dying (like I said my brain was going nuts). I cried and cried and finally my fever broke. I ended up being diagnosed with mastitis and a secondary infection they couldn't figure out. I was sent home with antibiotics.

The first night I was home I was a little nervous because of my previous mental state, but the next morning I woke up and felt like I totally different person. I still wasn't bonded with Henry, but I felt like he was mine and actually liked him.

My mom finally left a week after she planned and I was alone with my baby. Now that I was alone I decided to pull out the front pack. I used it all day and hurt my neck so I made an appointment with my Dr. Sure enough I had a pulled muscle in my neck and while I was there I mentioned that I had found a lump in my breast. He sent me for a breast ultrasound where they classified my lump as "suspicious" and I was scheduled the next day for a biopsy.

The biopsy sucked, but not nearly as bad as the wait for the results. Every time I looked at Henry I would cry because I was so afraid of leaving him momless (me being dramatic again). Finally after 36 hours of waiting I got my results...my lump was from pregnancy/breastfeeding. I picked Henry up and gave him the biggest hug.

And here I am a month later. I am healthy and feel like the luckiest girl alive. Henry is amazing. Sometimes I just stare at him and wonder how Andrew and I could've made someone so perfect. I would do anything for him and feel so protective of him. He is better than I could've even imagined and even though I feel like I went through hell, I would do it again for him.

4realyo · November 2009

Congrats on your baby boy! I cant wait to see pics. Please call me or email anytime -- I know EXACTLY how you are feeling. I cried constantly for the first two weeks that I was a horrible mother because after taking care of her & nursing her & I was in so much pain & tired trying to recover that I didnt have any energy left to love on her. It was so awful. After I gave birth I lost a lot of blood and passed out and didnt feel strong enough to hold her that day - and it was such gut wrenching feelings. I can tell you that it did start to get better after two weeks & the hormones calmed down somewhat & now I am feeling much better. Try to hang in there. You are not alone. Please let me know if you need anything!!

firsttogo · November 2009

I e-mailed you!

farrellashleigh · November 2009

I just posted something similar but my LO is a little older... glad to know I'm not the only one suffering here... GL and I hope it gets better, I'm hoping it's just a phase that goes away quickly!!

ZAngel · November 2009

We had everything planned out. I was scheduled for a c-section and assumed it would be a cookie cutter birth. However, someone had a different plan for us. At a routine doctor appointment, my OB found a high level of protein in my urine. I didn't have excessive weight gain, any swelling, high blood pressure or any symptoms that something could be wrong. My doctor thought it was just a "fluke test" so she sent me to L&D so they could do a cath urine sample and take some blood. I was monitored while they ran the tests. Everyone assured me that I didn't fit "the model" for the usual problems so it was likely I would be going home soon. The next hour my world flipped upside down. The tests came back and I was critical. My liver was shutting down and I was at the point of needing a blood transfusion. She had to come out... now! I don't even remember what was happening. They were shoving needles in my arm, sticking things all over me... pulling... pushing. All I could do is cry and pray that my husband would make it there in time to see his daughter being born. I was in the OR so fast (luckily he did make it) and within no time, she was here. She was perfect! After the delivery I learned how bad things truly were and could have been with my health. I feel blessed to have made such a good recovery. It was a really scary moment and after I was released several days later, I think it all hit me at once. I was a wreck! I was paranoid, scared, feeling like I couldn't do anything right... I was an anxious, nervous, out of her mind mother. It really helped to have someone to talk to. At this moment, support is very important!

Things are getting better. I still talk about my feelings every day and ask for help when I know I need it. I don't feel nearly as bad as I did and the crying has slowed down quite a bit. I do understand what you are going through. Just make sure you have a good support system and talk about what you are going through often with anyone who will listen.

just_peachy · November 2009

I think for me, the past week, has been just a crash of hormones and already pre-existing anxiety issues that have plagued me my whole life.

Trying to figure out if "this is right" or is "that right"

+

Trying to figure out when to do something for myself and when to let my mom/husband help.

+

Trying to go through the MILLIONS of conflicting advice from hospital staff, literature, even these Boards (do what comes naturally is what I've been told....I don't have a natural instinct right now - I'm on "auto pilot" Crying )

(i.e. - - get the baby on YOUR SCHEDULE vs. the baby will tell you when it's time to feed;

or use supplements if you are tired vs. do not put on bottle to assist BF for another 3 weeks;

or Pump vs. Don't Pump) just to name a few examples of ways to add to already shattered nerves and confusion.

My baby sleeps for 20 hours at a time and I worry that it's too much.

If I hear a little noise or if he starts crying the noise shrills my nerves.

He's a beautiful little bean and I wish I could relax and take in this special 1st week of his life instead of looking back and thinking that it was all me being a wreck while my angel grew and bloomed.

God Bless all of you who may have to ordeal this with me.

Strength and Hugs

OVERWHELMED and having that wretched adrenal buzz that won't let me calm down even in my sleep.

I've been under doctor's care with Cymbalta daily and Ativan as needed but it's not cutting mustard so I assume it's all hormonal.

ZAngel · November 2009

The advice was the worst! You hear one thing from one person and then something different from the next. I agree... it's frustrating. With that being said, I will only offer up what I've learned -- listen to your heart. Do what you feel is right. There is no "schedule" when it comes to newborns. They eat when they are hungry, sleep when they are sleepy and cry when they need something. The only thing you can do is meet their needs and offer comfort. Struggling with a schedule is the last thing a new mother/father needs. Make things easier for yourself. If giving a bottle helps you out, then do it. Expressed milk or formula is not the devil. As long as your baby is getting the milk needed, everything will work out. There really is no "right and wrong" way with a new baby as long as they are getting what they need (food, sleep, clean diapers and love).

I am sure you are doing just fine. It is normal to get overwhelmed with all the instructions. Things will start to fall into place... just takes time. I know it is "easier said than done" but try not to stress too much because it will get better. Oh, and it is NEVER a bad time to ask for help. This is not a time to try to be super woman!

ilenegrace · November 2009

It will get better! I felt like I was in auto-pilot fir the first 4 weeks. Round the clock pain meds the first 3 weeks. I felt like I could not even enjoy the one thing I had looked forward to for 9 months. The sleep deprivation was so hard for me to get used to.

When 4 weeks hit I felt like I just woke up. I could smile at my baby, without feeling full of anxiety. I hope for you this day comes soon, until then hang in there!

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* * POST PARTUM Hell...Depression, Anxiety, etc. * *

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