your will and your babies

jen_and_tom · November 2009

DH and I have been d r a g g i n g our feet on writing up our wills. Aside from the dreadful lawyer/paperwork task, we're just not sold on who we should leave DD with. We had decided on my sister but then after spending t-day with my sister we just could not ignore the fact that we don't love the way that she and BIL parent their kids. We have decent options in both of our families with parenting style being the main objections in all cases. Then, we discovered that we eagerly agree with the option of some good friends of ours. So, my question is this: when choosing who to entrust your children to what trumps for you, family or parenting style?

mrstarawalsh · November 2009

Neither. What it came down to for us is who would be best equiped to take care of our children? Who could love and care for them as much as we do? Who would have their best interests at heart, regardless of what parenting style they preffered?

CalinsBride · November 2009

It's a toughie. . .My cousin and her DH, who don't have children yet but are TTC, plan to AP. She's actually the one who introduced the concept to me. Yet APing isn't necessarily the most important thing to me. She worries me as a choice because even though they will AP, money is very important to them as are careers and things, and I am just not very excited about the concept of my DS growing up in a family where material posessions and outward appearance are emphasized. HOWEVER, no family is perfect (DH and I certainly aren't), so we basically had to go through our "candidates" and prioritize what we felt was most important in guardians for him and then take it from there.

We want to be able to trust them with the money that we leave for him, and know that it will go towards taking care of him, and that cousin is the most honourable and trustworthy.

We want DS to grow up in a home with strong Christian role models who really make living their lives the way that they believe God wants them to a priority.

We want DS to be with family, we decided, because we know that family will always make an effort to keep him in touch with his other family members, which is so important to us.

And we felt that we really wanted the family to be headed by two parents who put family first. Not only is that the case w/ my cousin, but she and her husband also come from very close-knit, functional immediate families (unlike most of my relatives), so I have faith that they'd be able to recreate that for DS.

So based on that criteria, we chose that cousin, not because she's AP, but because of the other things, and in spite of the materialism.

IU_baby · November 2009

We decided it would be a family member and then had to make the choice out of our siblings and parents.

We chose BIL and his wife. We adore them and they live fairly close to us, so if anything happened to either of us, T wouldn't have to move too far away.

Hippinski · November 2009

For us parenting style does play into it. We want our kids to be raised as close as possible to the way we would raise them. We have it down to 2 families...and we've been stuck there for over 2 years. Tongue Tied

It's so hard to think about it. I know we need to...but it is really tough.

lkstor · November 2009

There is no one I would trust as much as my own mother. Not sure who our second choice would be. I think parenting style is less important than a loving, stable family.

jen_and_tom · November 2009

Thanks all for the responses. It sounds like many of us are in similar situations actually. It's not "AP" so much about parenting style, it's general lovingness and respect toward their children. Religion is one component and willingness to keep DD connected with both sides of the family is the third (our extended families are in two different parts of the country). Money is only a concern in terms of money management. In the event we both go, DD would have a sizable inheritance. The lucky thing (i guess) is that there really are no obvious families to rule out. We chose my sister initially because she by far shows the most interest in DD's life, she's not religious (like me) but I know she would go to great lengths to keep DD involved with DH's family and find ways to provide a Catholic influence. I suppose we're just second guessing because the thought of not being the one to care for DD is about the most uncomfortable thing imaginable.

jen_and_tom · November 2009

fredalina:
DH and i have to make this decision this weekend actually, because we've got our adoption meeting on Monday and will probably have to fill out the form.

i don't know anyone very well who is an AP, but i do know people of lots of different styles. It's probably going to be family for us, and will be between my brother and one of my sisters most likely. Both of our parents are in their 70's, so they're out. DH's brother doesn't want kids, so he's out. And my other sister is very materialistic and selfish and thinks it's cute when her kids are semi-bullies. The other choice is the people who adopted D's biological brother, and we like them but don't know them very well just yet. We've been trying, but they seem more hands-off right now.

My brother has 3 boys, one of whom has ADHD and one of whom has Asperger's Syndrome, and they do a wonderful job with all of their boys; and we know that should D have special needs from drug exposure that they will be able to handle it. They're very involved in their kids' lives. They are financially set. They believe in logical consequences with their kids' discipline, are strict but as far as i know they don't spank, or at least not often. i'm a little concerned with the stability of their marriage to be honest; i haven't seen my SIL in years because she never comes around. They also live the furthest away from D's biological brother (about 5 hours; they live near us), whom i want her to have a relationship with, and they're so busy with the kids' sports and musical activities, etc, that i worry that traveling to visit him would be a problem. Also, the one time he saw D at a family reunion, i offered to let him hold her, and he refused, saying he was done with babies. i don't know how serious he was, but i do know that he didn't hold her at all, all day. And that they wanted 1 child and the other 2 he was really un-thrilled that the mini-pill while EBF'ing plan didn't work...twice.

My sister has 4 kids, 2 older teen boys and a set of "Irish Twins" ages almost 10 and almost 9, born 1 year apart in February. My sister is a very playful parent and loves kids like you wouldn't believe, but her husband is very hands-off with the kids, too gruff IMO, and they always struggle financially (of course having 4 kids will do that to you, but neither has a college degree etc). They live only a couple of hours away and they somehow, even working multiple jobs with more kids, seem like they have more time for visiting and such, so it would probably be easier for D to maintain a relationship with her brother. My sister is also my only sibling who has shown ANY interest in D at all. i don't know that the others would be any different if D were biological, but they just don't seem interested (which breaks my heart a little, i may add, since i celebrated all their kids' births with handmade quilts and things like that). i also know she spanks her kids, sometimes as a first-line of discipline, which i don't like and i'll have to sign something saying i'll never spank D before the adoption.

Our friends are pretty limited because one of them is VERY strict (i like consistency, but her consistency means saying "NO" before her daughter has even gotten her question out lol), one of them has a very special needs son and isn't sure she can handle having any more children (and really wants a newborn if she does because she feels like she missed out on that with her son since they knew something was wrong). 2 other friends have newborns.

Ugh! i don't look forward to this decision.

::hugs:: that is about a million times more complex than what I'm dealing with.

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