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Attachment Parenting
Your Best Sleep Advice
Just thought it might be fun to start a thread for us all to share our best wisdom in regards to sleep. I know there's no magic answer (since we're still struggling ourselves) but it's nice to read the little things that have worked for other families.
SunnyinTucson summed it up really well in the 4 Month Wakeful thread. Take it one night at a time and know that this too shall pass. It's easy to get angry, frustrated, etc... but I found that I was a lot calmed and a better mommy overall if I realize that it is what it is and it will get better though probably not as quickly as I'd like.
The Pantley pull-off worked wonders for us! I started working on it around 6 months and, while it didn't lessen the number of night wakings, it shortened each one from 45-60 minutes down to 10-20 minutes.
Find a way for DH to help - you can't do it alone! For us it works best if I do the nighttime parenting (DS goes back to sleep much more quickly and easily), but anytime after 4:30am it's all DH. He gets DS when he wakes and lets me go back to sleep for as long as possible. Knowing I have some extra sleep time in the morning has gotten me through some really tough nights.
Please share your own words of wisdom!
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Re: Your Best Sleep Advice
For us its been the simplest things.
Keep it light during the day and dark and quiet during the night. Should be obvious, but somehow its not
The other thing that's really helped us is realizing that not every wake up is to nurse. But assessing if she was actually hungry or not, we eliminated half of our night wakings.
Like I just said below.... I LOVED _NCSS for Toddlers and Preschoolers_. All of these things that mainstream parents see as 'dire problems to fix' are very often totally 2000% normal. And one can just ride them out. Parents do need to decide what is *truly* bothering them in particular, if anything... and to work on remedying just those situations. But the stuff that really doesn't bug you? Just go with the flow. Don't fix things that aren't broken just because Dr Ferber, Aunt Marge, and the guy on the bus said you should.
The 2 things we thought were problems were DD's inability to fall asleep by herself. And her jumping into bed with us every night. We actually decided #1 wasn't such a big deal and are riding it out. When she's a teenager we'll actually look back on bedtime with fondness -- watching her drift off -- wanting us there to feel safe and secure. So we're respecting this desire/need of hers.
As for #2, we did decide we wanted that to be fixed. So we used one of Pantley's suggestions. We want DD to fall asleep in her own room -- but as long as we get our room free till midnight, she's welcome in our room any time after. BUT not in our bed. The 3 of us weren't sleeping well in our small bed anymore. So, we got a tacky-as-heck Disney Fairy Blow Up Bed that is on the floor right next to my side of our double bed. She slips into the fairy bed during the night and cuddles up. I just help her with the blanket. And we all fall asleep. Space problem solved. But her need to be close met. Everyone wins.
NCSS worked for naps but overall I found it lacking in general helpfulness. Her methods (I didn't really feel there were any per se) weren't that helpful at night.
My best advice is to know your child. We found that Jo could not be with someone while falling asleep without being very disturbed waking alone. It was scary how she reacted. So we would let her watch us leave after calming her down for the night, and it worked far better.
I don't know, just know your child. Certain methods won't work for your baby. My child never took to a sling, never wanted to be worn, turned away from the breast entirely at 10 months. She needed a feeding at night until 14 months. I was ok with that.
But we did do some modified ferber, added massage at night and got her into a quiet routine. It worked well. Just know your baby, dont' be pressured online or by books. Do what feels right to you.
This is a great way to sum it up! I feel like there is so much pressure to have a LO that sttn. The pedi recommended we do CIO at 4 months. We have never done CIO and DS has sttn once, yep once in 18 months. But, we know our DS and do what is comfortable for us. Not judging what others do, just saying we do what works for us and our DS.
What works for us...coffee, I guess!
pick up/put down just happened to really work for us, starting from infancy. I couldn't bear to hear DS cry, so it met both of our needs: his need of comfort and my need to comfort him!! when ds cried and it wasn't for food, I went in his room and stood by the crib, in the dark, no light, no singing, no humming, no walking the floors, and picked up and comforted. When he stopped crying, I put him back in the crib and shush-patted him a bit, then left. Some nights I had to do it a lot. He started STTN at 3 months. Even feeding (which I did in his room) were done in the room, in the dark and quiet without a lot of fanfare and then back down when drowsy -- not when passed out.
incidentally, it also helped during the day in its way. If I needed to put DS down while I got stuff done, he would cry. I would come over to where he was lying and do the same thing (and sometimes not even pick him up, just breathe on him, encircle him with my arms and give comfort). Again, I might have to do it a lot in the beginning but he learned that I WOULD come and do it and I think it was a great reassurance.
At 6 months, DS had a rough patch in his crib, but I honestly think his ability and confidence to self-soothe clicked very quickly bc of the consistent, comforting routine he was used to.
Our next sleepy time blues were after his transition to a his new twin bed, around 2.5. He would wake up and FREAK out, running around, and scared. DH and I were really surprised. but you know -- it was STILL about reassurance, we just had to think like a toddler and not an infant. So we got a night light, installed a dimmer (which in the beginning we kept on the lowest setting and shut off later in the evening), and most importantly, gave him for a few days all the comfort he needed. We didn't invite him into our bed, nor did we go into his, but we sat with him and hugged him, and gave him the comfort his needed -- the reassurance that his parents would be there for him when scared. And after a few nights, he was fine. Then to really reinforce it, we talked very positively about his new bed. We put a paper cone on his wall and every night he slept he got a paper scoop -- after three scoops we all go out for ice cream.
I think for me it was just being realistic. With my first I was so stressed about him not sleeping through the night and waking up and needing me all the time. It's a big part of why we started to bed share. He was nursing ALL. NIGHT. LONG! I was crying out of pure stress one day when my dh and bff were there and they both reminded me that I am a crappy sleeper. I wake up from the slightest sound, have a horrible time falling asleep and toss and turn many nights. It made me realize that I was expecting ds to do something that even I couldn't do.
Once I realized that I was better able to understand why he was waking and why he needed me. Even now, at age 6, he still has times when he wakes up. For the last 3 nights he's been up with bad dreams and we are trying to help him through that. It's tough for sure but at least I know where he gets it from.
Good luck to you and really, follow your gut. It will usually lead you in the right direction.
There was a quote in the Dr. Sears Sleep book that I really liked - something about a good mother is not determined by how well her child sleeps. I can't remember the exact wording. It wasn't really advice, either, but it did make me sit back and think, "Ok. I don't suck because my child doesn't STTN. I'm not a failure." I think I was more bothered by the judgment of others on my non-sleeping child than I was by the fact that my child didn't sleep. That statement really helped keep me plugging along.
This is so true. There have been so many times that I think - I'm doing all these things right, why is he not sleeping? And I just have to realize that some kids sleep better than others and it's not my fault (and it's not necessarily even a problem). Easier said than done some days...
When you are pregnant you should pray for a sleeper. Let's face it, some come out good sleepers and some don't. Some adults like to sleep more than others so why wouldn't babies be the same way? Babies don't read any of the books so don't be surprised if things don't work the way the books say they should. And I completely agree with the poster that said that the measure of good parenting is not a child who STTN.
I was blessed with an easy baby. Maybe God looked down on me with pity because of my miserable pregnancy. Who knows? When DD was an infant she naturally fell into the EASY routine. Eat-awake-sleep every three hours and she never cried. She was so predictable. Started sleeping 5 hours a night at two weeks and by the time I went back to work at 6 weeks she was sleeping from 10-5 and then she just kept pushing her bedtime earlier and earlier. She dropped the 5am feeding at 7 months. She was so fat and happy my friends proclaimed her false advertising.
Once separation anxiety hit that was all out window. When she was an infant I worked at home, but when I took a job outside the home she started to want to sleep in my bed at night. I figure if she needs the extra cuddles because she doesn't get to see me during the day that's fine. She's less clingy when she gets to sleep with me anyways. It's what works for my family and I think that's the most important thing.
1. bedshare
2. learn to nurse while lying down/sleeping