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How is DH doing

JuJuBe3JuJuBe3
in Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss

I was wondering how your DH is taking your loss.  I think I realized for the first time last night that he will never truly understand, and I don't mean that in a mean way.  I have been leaning on him so much, because I don't really want to talk to anyone else nor do I want to tell more people.

He is okay and has pretty much settled back into 'normal'.  I'm not at all mad, because I know everyone grieves differently and he didn't experience this the way I did (and continue to both physically and emotionally).

Don't get me wrong, he is incredibly supportive and has really been my rock.  It's just, I truly feel like no one IRL understands what I'm going through and I don't want to tell every friend/relative I have in the 'hopes' (that sounds crazy) of finding someone who gets it.

Am I alone in this?  Please tell me I'm not nuts.

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Missed m/c 11.09 | Missed m/c 3.10 | We miss you & love you so.
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Re: How is DH doing

  • Scout05Scout05 member

    With our first loss, he was really sad and shocked, but he was able to move on much quicker than I was. He even said "I hope it's okay that I have found peace with this all ready. I'm still really sad, but I feel like I can live with it now." He was very supportive of my grief, but he was able to overcome the shock of it much quicker than I was.

    This time he is destroyed. There are no other words to describe it. We made an appointment with a grief counselor a week after the D&C, because he was just so sad and angry.

     

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  • JuJuBe3JuJuBe3

    I'm so sorry to hear that.  I suppose it's a good thing for someone to recognize they need additional help and they go and get it.  I hope it's helping.  And I'm so sorry for your losses. 

    I think my DH is about how yours was with the first.  This is our first.  The hard part is that now that I've realized he is not going to get it/understand it the way I do, I feel more alone.

     

     

     

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    Missed m/c 11.09 | Missed m/c 3.10 | We miss you & love you so.
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  • jesseandbrijesseandbri

    My H was more upset with the first than I was but move forward quickly and looked forward to trying again.

    This last one he has been able to move forward much faster than I have been able to.  It has hit me that he was not near as attached to this baby as I was but then again, I couldn't have expected him to be. 

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  • Mrs.KristenMrs.Kristen
    I told DH I thought he was completely over what has happened. He told me no that he wouldn't ever be "over it" but that he keeps himself busy to keep his mind off of it. He's the don't show your feelings it is a sign of weakness kind of guy but he has cried with me a few times. He broke down a few times right after but I think guys move foward faster they don't carry the baby so I don't think they truly get the emotional attatchement we've already formed.
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  • emeraudecephiroemeraudecephiro member
    I think our DHs get over it easier seeing the difference between a woman and her connection with the baby while pregnant makes for a longer recovery...He is sad, but he mourns differently than I do, and is supportive of my need to grieve longer and more depressing.
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  • pepomntpatpepomntpat member

    DH is pretty sad, but he is going about his business as usual and has been since the day after my D&E.  He did tell me he had a revelation when he was on his way home from NY to go with me to my confirmation of loss appointment. He said for the first time in his life he realized that his job really doesn't matter. That tells me just how much this has affected him. His job is his life, and though he will deny it, his main priority.

    I am lucky that I can get him to talk about it by asking specific questions and he has been very supportive of my grief and giving me my space when I need it and being nearby when I need it.

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  • MSC03MSC03 member
    My DH is still having a hard time, but we're going to therapy and just trying to work through our grief.
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  • SonadoraSonadora member
    Mine's ready to ttc again. I think he thinks that if I get pg again, I'll be fixed. For a few days he just bought me anything he thought would make it better. Flowers, an iPhone, a new fish tank....I'm pretty sure he just shook the whole thing off and is ready to get going.  I guess it's not the same for him...it's not his body that failed it's mine. I feel like the failure, not him.
    BFP #1 9/23/09. Missed MC 10w3d D&C 11/3/09.

    BFP #2 4/13/10. Bridget born 12/28/10

    BFP #3 Finn born 8/11/15


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  • pepomntpatpepomntpat member

    imageSonadora:
    Mine's ready to ttc again. I think he thinks that if I get pg again, I'll be fixed. For a few days he just bought me anything he thought would make it better. Flowers, an iPhone, a new fish tank....I'm pretty sure he just shook the whole thing off and is ready to get going.  I guess it's not the same for him...it's not his body that failed it's mine. I feel like the failure, not him.

    You are not a failure! I know how you feel though. I told DH that I screwed up and spoiled everything. He tried to make me feel better by saying that our baby died because of his old shriveled up sperm. It didn't make me feel better, but he did try.

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  • MaryYVRMaryYVR member
    I'm lucky.  DH has been amazingly supportive and said all the right things.  I always knew we were very close but we have both felt that this brought us even closer together. He cried almost as much as I did last week. He isn't crying as much this week (I still shed tears a few times a day). I expect him to be able to move forward a little easier as he's not bleeding heavily and having cramps like I still am.  It's only been a week since my D&C and about 10 days since we found out that our baby had died.  I have to say that DH deserves full marks for being incredibly supportive, patient, loving, and understanding. 
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  • MommaRed83MommaRed83 member
    You are all so lucky! Hold onto your DH and never let go. I am so glad to hear that they are letting you guys mourn and grieve the way that you need to. BIG HUGS to all of you and your DH!
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