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TTC After a Loss
s/o Post your WORST responses to a loss
A spin off of Asiamina's post about helpful comments...What were some of the worst things that people said to you?
In response to my m/c, my pregnant friend said:
1. Just watch a funny movie. That'll make you feel better. I know I was feeling crappy about something, I'm not sure what. I sat down and watched a funny movie and felt so much better. That's what you need to do.
From my mom, after the surgery:
Mom: "I bet you just feel like you've been hit by a car."
Me: I...I was.(I was in a car accident the day before, and that's when we discovered the loss).
Mom: "Well, I mean, you must feel all washed out. Oh, Ha-ha! I guess you're that too!! (alluding to the d&c) If you can't laugh about it, what can you do?"
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Re: s/o Post your WORST responses to a loss
Bloggin' It
BFP#2 5/11/09 :: Natural m/c 5/27/09 @ 5w5d
BFP#3 7/24/09 :: Missed m/c, baby stopped growing at 6w4d :: natural m/c 8/28/09 @ 8w6d
BFP #4 11/27/09 :: DD born 7/27/10
BFP #5 2/29/12 :: DD born 11/6/12
Oh my god.
My MIL when we asked her to babysit (for the originally scheduled D&C that we didn't end up needing):
"I didn't think you could get pg while nursing, must have not been planned right?"
Not even a "I'm sorry".
Not too bad but the worst offenders were:
"So are you guys gonna adopt" - Thank you for voicing my deepest, darkest fear... that I am unable to reproduce.
"But you made it almost 10 weeks. That's awesome! At least you know you can get pregnant." - Yeah, cause I don't want to actually have a baby... I just want to be pregnant.
"Look on the bright side, now you don't have to deal with twins. Maybe this was god knowing you couldn't deal with that." - Uh, so God decided I was going to be such a crappy mom He personally killed my kids?
Oh.my.God. I think your mom's response takes the cake. I love my mom and all, but if she said something like that, I might have had to smack her. How did you handle that??
As for me, I haven't had one really bad response that stands out, it's just a series of the same b.s.:
"Well, there must have been something wrong with that baby, so it's better that you lost it now, right?"
"Don't worry, you'll be pg again before you know it!"
"It seems like this happens to more people than we realize!" ---> Yeah, ya think? Does that make me feel any better?? NO!
OMFgosh! This is the worst.
The cold-hearted b!tch who did my u/s sounded like this - 'ummm, yeah...I don't really see a fetal pole anymore'. (and, you know, she said it with her voice going up towards the end, all ditzy-like)
And the one co-worker I told, pulled a 'it's for the best'. I know she meant well, but it still blew.
Missed m/c 11.09 | Missed m/c 3.10 | We miss you & love you so.
~ ~ ~
Formerly toddandjulie
With my last m/c dh was out of town and because the doctor thought that it might be a Molar pregnancy he wanted to do a d/c right away before my husband got back.
When I told our "friends" who consider us their BFF's here, that I needed a ride to the hospital for a Pre-Op because no drivers were available, her response was "well I don't think we can cause we have grocery shopping to do that day".
Needless to say, she can kiss my assssss for now on.
Ya that just takes the f'in cake.
Thankfully, my mom lives far, far away. So I haven't talked with her since - that is until her b-day last week. I left her a voicemail on her cell phone so I don't have to talk with her. We don't get along - for reasons like this. She's a fuccking moron, and me...not so much.
When we delivered Patrick it got back to me that a friend of mine announced it to her husband by walking in the house and making a joke about it, something along the lines that we lost the baby, but not like we lost it in the store or the woods. I don't talk to her anymore.
These are all truly awful.
I think my worst response came a few weeks later, from my own mother, who told me I should probably not come to my cousin's baby shower because "it might make people sad and uncomfortable to see me."
Oh, and when I tried to show her the photos and stuff the hospital gave us, sobbed and threw these two gems out: "::sob sob:: what HAPPened?" (like I did something wrong) and "I just wish I got to hold her" (because we didn't let anyone come to see her, we wanted it just to be us- and my mom is the definition of an AW).
BFP #2- 1/5/10- Baby Jack born at 37w2d, 6lbs 13 oz, 8/24/10
BFP #3- 7/30/11- Baby Boy Due April 3, 2012
1st m/c
Co-irker who was trying to get pg at the time and is now KU and MIL: "At least you know you can concieve." Right, 'cause concieving a baby only to have it end up in the toilet is ideal.
DH: "You're not going to be happy again until you're pg are you." FFS!
Mom: "You should try to move on"
2nd m/c, dx of APS, dealing with elevated levels
MIL: "At least you know you can concieve quickly." WTF - just because I got pg quickly this time doesn't mean I will next time.
MIL: "So and so had a m/c and has baby now." "So and so has APS too and they have a baby." Agh! Everyone elses success stories do not ensure I will have a success.
Mom: "Wow, you're really angry." Me: "Just don't say anything further. People try to give advice and it ends up making things worse. I just need to be angry and upset right now! Mom: "Uh, okay."
So, your mom is quite the comedian, eh?
I've posted most of mine on here before, but the most recent was my mom, after me mentioning that my knees have been hurting and it's hard to work out: "Well, you put on a lot of weight with that whole baby thing, so I'm sure it would hurt your joints." I weigh 115 lbs. Thanks, Mom.
Besides the "oh, at least you can get pg..." which I really might end up arrested after beating the next person that says this...
This one came from my MIL (keep in mind she is very very selfish) after my first m/c. She called me to see how I was doing and said, "well, you are just sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself, just moping around. Soon you'll be up and over this. Then she says (serisously!)...well, you have to understand how hard this is for ME too. I am not having a grandchild and I wanted to be excited and tell people about it, and Aunt and Uncle so and so are getting to be all excited and sharing news about Sara's (DH cousin who was due the day after me) baby. Oh my gosh, my blood is boiling just remembering this one!
Well, you weren't actually pregnant, so you shouldnt be that upset.
From nurse re: Chemical Pregnancy
Labor Buddy to Blowfish11
1) At least you guys can get pregnant after all.
2) Maybe you weren't meant to have a May baby.
3) It really wasn't a baby (I had a blighted ovum)
Former Friend: I'm pregnant! But the 1st tri is a killer.
Me: Yeah, the fist tri can be pretty miserable.
Former Friend: How would you know, you have never been pregnant.
(She knows all about my m/c, BTW! And she knew about it before she announced and said this sh!t)
Wow, my jaw just dropped.
Labor Buddy to Blowfish11
From the nurse during my second loss:
Her: "Yeah, so the b/w came back negative for pregnancy. What a relief, huh?"
Me: "I had three days of positive tests. Clearly we are having an early loss." :::Crying:::
Her: "No, this is false positive. I don't know why you are crying, you haven't lost anything."
Me: CLICK
Same exact thing.
I've heard all the usual "at least you can get pregnant," "it's better if the baby had something wrong with it," 'you'll have a baby soon" stuff, and honestly, it doesn't bother me, because I'm trying to be optimistic and consider any even slightly positive aspect of this as much as I can.
But one comment did bother me, and I feel guilty even typing it here, because this friend does legitimately care so much and feels so awful about what happened. My friend who gave birth the day after I learned of my missed m/c said:
"I know how difficult it is when things don't go the way you hoped they would. I was so miserable when they told me I needed a C-section, I wasn't even excited about meeting my baby."
I guess she was just trying to relate or something, but it simply reinforced the fact that she DOES NOT GET IT. Because you have a BABY after your unwanted C-section. And you have an empty heart full of grief after a miscarriage. So they're not really like each other at all.
I just responded with, "I guess one positive outcome to this experience is that I don't give a sh!t anymore about how the baby is born, as long as it's alive."
Baby Boy Smudgie born 10/4/11
<a href="http://s837.photobucket.com/albums/zz298/triple_sevens/?action=view
From my SIL: "Well, God knew that J___ couldn't provide for it right now." (Bc he was laid off a few months before our "surprize bfp").
From my MIL: "It worked out bc ur SIL got ku again and I wouldn't have wanted two grandchildren at the same time again. It's too stressful".
(Yes, she got 2 grandkids 10 days apart last time, and apparently that wasn't a blessing!)
From my SIL: "I can't help that u lost it. I mean, I think God knows everything.....besides, it's not like there was actually a baby."
(bc I had a blighted ovum I guess my pregnancy wasn't "real")
And last........again from the SIL: "I don't konw why you just can't be happy for me. I mean, this is MY pregnancy. It has nothing to do with your life. It's between me and dh......." (So that's what I've done. I exclude myself from anything involving her pregnancy. Sad, yes, but true.)
FYI----I could go on. I've learned that people really suck at this whole process.
oooh. My stepsister, who has 2 kids of her own, a 4 yr old and a 1 yr old told me that she.. 'was sick of hearing me be miserable and i should just get over it already'.
She said this in January. My loss was late September.
And at that point in time, BF has to physically pull me off of her and restrain me. Needless to say... we don't have anything to do with each other anymore.
From SIL: You were so early it wasn't a real baby yet. It was just blood by then.
From Sister: Just think that you can still look sexy when you wear your bathing suit for your upcoming cruise! (She was really just trying to make me feel better but had no idea what to day)
From Doctor: Stop testing too early. You wouldn't have known if you waited at least 5 days from your missed period.
Wow! Some of these people really suck. I'm so sorry girls
It was the day after our loss and my MIL was at our house. She was talking to me about the loss and I had just gotten through explaining how hard it was to have seen the baby's heart beating and then not seeing it the next week. She said "Just wait until the day you really have kids. They change your live forever."
I just wanted to scream "This baby HAS changed my life forever." Ugh.