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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
pepomntpat
member
What have friends/family done?
pepomntpat
member
I asked DH last night what he would do if someone he knew experienced a loss. I wanted to get him talking about what has helped him and what has hurt him about the way friends and family have reacted to the loss of Ellen. He said he would bring them food. Which would have been nice. With our grieving, my surgery and our move we have not had much time for nutrition. Someone coming over to cook, or clean, or help pack (which my brother and sister did help pack) would have lifted a huge burden from our shoulders and probably given us a bit more energy to grieve and get done what had to be done.
I appreciate those who let me talk or not as I choose. Those who don't offer meaningless condolences, but are simply near me, giving hugs, a listening ear, whatever I need. I would have liked more cards and flowers-some acknowledgement that Ellen was a real child and her death was a real loss even if she was only inside of me for 9 weeks. DH said the same thing-that people don't think this is a big deal and would probably get more upset and compassionate over the loss of our dog.
What did help/is helping/or would have helped you deal with your grief? What would you have liked family and friends to do or not do? I know what the grief websites say, but we are all different, so I would like answers from you if you would like to share.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: What have friends/family done?
My mom was having oral surgery when I was at my NT and discovered that our baby would not live. By the time I was out of my D&C that evening, she was on a plane, had booked a hotel for a week, and was ready to just sit and cry with me.
We moved closer to them a month later, and with this last loss, she was there cooking dinner and most importantly, she sat with DH while I was in surgery. Leaving him alone and crying the first time was somehow the hardest part of that day.
She is basically just here whenever I need, and that is such a comfort.
BFP #2 4/13/10. Bridget born 12/28/10
BFP #3 Finn born 8/11/15
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I get really frustrated with people who ask how I am doing and act surprised when I tell them truthfully that I am not doing that great. If you do not want to know, don't ask.
Also with people like my mother who say, "call if you need anything," and then I ask and they are not available. It is so hard for me to ask, and then being turned down just intensifies the hurt.
And I love people like my DH who hug me and love me and let me talk.
Sadly, no one has reached out or done anything for us........
But when my friend's wife lost twins, I organized a pool amongst our friends and we got her a very nice remembrance necklace.
As I have said before I was REALLY drugged up the week I was in the hospital. While I was in the hospital I remember everyone being willing to send flowers and sit with me. My Mom, husband and MIL organized everything so that I was never left alone in the hospital. When I was released my Mom went grocery shopping and my MIL brought over pre-made meals. She also took me to lunch and a movie a couple times while I was out of work on leave (6 weeks). I appreciated everything they did, but since then none of them have been real supportive.
My husband left me for another woman. My MIL has been willing to see me 2x since he left but won't reply to my letters or phone calls. I became close with her while I was in the hospital. And even though my husband has left I would still like to maintain a relationship with her, but I don't know if that will happen.
My Mom just doesn't ever ask how I am really doing with things. She doesn't talk about the girls with me. No one does. Not even my Husband.
My sister hasn't done anything. No talking. No cards, no flowers, nothing. She took 3 days bereavement when I lost the girls, but only spent one hour of those 3 days with me.
I feel as if everything that people have done or not done since about a week after I got home has done nothing but hurt me more. If it wasn't for you guys I think that I would be the only person that acknowledged my girls and my other angels. I just wished that for once someone for give me a hug and say I miss them too.
I think what helped was the family we had that shared in our grief...being a late term loss we had three family members actually come and see her. Also what has helped is I really look up to DH's Aunt and she cried with me she took it just as hard as we did when we found out what was going on with the baby and has been a great person to talk to.
The thing that I wish friends or DH's friends wouldn't do is try and push me into talking. I've only been comfy on here and talking to certain family members. I don't want to go to someones house for dinner them ask me how I am doing and then me start crying and the rest of my night is ruined. Text me your sorry for the loss or email me and don't bring it up when you see me in person. If I want to talk about things I'll come to you or start the convo.
I have to be honest, The only person here for me was my DH.
This is going to be our 2nd loss and it hurts real bad. My mother told me to be strong and see what happens..thats it. She didnt offer to come over and sit with me but I know she is busy taking care of my younger siblings but sometimes when the people that care most toyou arent really there that sucks too. I have one cousin (Christine) who has been awesome thru all of this for me, she would call me everyday.
Im very sorry for everyone's LOSS. T&P
I had a group of girlfriends send me nice flowers and yummy chocolate. I enjoyed the flowers while H enjoyed most of the yummy goodness.
I really appreciate one friend in particular who has been sending me messages every few days to ask how I am. That has been fabulous. She really doesn't know how I feel but she always lets me vent and talk.
My neighbor cooked us dinner. She has also been through this and has been a great advisor for my H. She tells him what helped her and what I may be feeling because I am so bad at internalizing my feelings I have not been able to express them.
The thing that has been terrible and I will never forget is how my ILs are acting. They don't really care, or so it seems. This last one hit me much harder and is obviously much more difficult on me. My MIL cried more over the first one than I did but has not shown any feelings in the last month over this baby. They also try to hide PG women and babies from me, as if they don't exist.... While it hurts to see those things at times it hurts worse to feel like they are being hidden away from you.
They also have a niece you gave birth just before Halloween, she is still in the hospital, I think the baby is released now, but anyway... They have not gone to see them. They have both almost died and I wonder how "there" they would be for H and I if that came up.
We hadn't told anyone except parents and siblings, it happened so fast, mom offered to drive overnight but we said no, she is coming next week to spend time with us. Family have been calling everyday to see how I am doing. DH has been wonderful, he has been there for me in everyway possible. He got me some roses yesterday for no reason.
I know my bff would have done a lot if she had known.
Kate was born 1-26-2008
Natural m/c on 10-18-09 at 9.5 weeks
Mira was born 9-14-2010