Restricting family visits? (long...advice needed) UPDATED

ladyjester · November 2009

Hi ladies, I need some advice...

My brother and his gf had a baby Nov. 5. I went to the hospital the day he was born and was able to hold him and everything seemed fine. I have not been out to visit since because I live an hour away and have just not been able to. My mom has only been allowed to visit once. My mom told me that my brother said that his gf doesn't really want LO to have visitors or leave the house until he is 6 weeks old. Also, she is really particular about people holding him. She and my brother went to Wal-Mart recently and left their LO with her mom (who they live with). Apparently, when they got home, GF immediately grabbed LO and went to her room.

I really want to see my nephew and I don't understand her paranoia. I know there is concern about illness, but I was not this uptight when my LO first came home. I made sure everyone washed their hands of course and no one who was sick was allowed to visit. I just can't imagine telling family they couldn't visit for 6 weeks. I wonder how many of her friends have visited? There were quite a few at the hospital.

I don't know how to go about talking to her about this if she tells me I can't come visit. I also would really like her to understand that my mom is that child's grandmother and it's not right to keep her away. I just don't want to make her mad or step on her toes. I know he is her son, but he is our family too.

What do you ladies think? Do I just suck it up and wait the few weeks or do I say something?

UPDATE: I just texted my brother to ask if I could go see nephew on Sunday. He and his gf share a phone and she was the one to respond. She said I would be welcome to come visit!

Maybe my mom made more of the situation than there actually is. Or maybe my mom just got on gf's nerves and she doesn't want to see her! (knowing my mom, this is entirely possible)

Thanks again everybody!

thetwistedwillow · November 2009

Unfortunately there's nothing you can say to her that won't come off as overstepping a boundary. This is her child and she and the father have every right to restrict visitations as much as they want. It is flu season and this is their first.

If your mom wants to see the baby then she needs to speak up to her son about it.

jennrenee09 · November 2009

njeosys:

Unfortunately there's nothing you can say to her that won't come off as overstepping a boundary. This is her child and she and the father have every right to restrict visitations as much as they want. It is flu season and this is their first.

If your mom wants to see the baby then she needs to speak up to her son about it.

Yes

Mrs.DeliaMarieP · November 2009

unfortunately, it's your brother's responsibility to step up to her, and there's really nothing you can do about it to her directly. If he knows that you guys are upset, then it's up to him to take the steps to change things. At the same time, you don't want to complain to him too much if he feels his hands are tied.

JennifernKevin4ever · November 2009

So parents get paranoid after having a baby. I think you will just have to respect her wishes. It is her baby. She is just probably just scared of him getting sick. My friend went through the same thing when she had her child. I didn't, but everyone is different.

GRKaters · November 2009

New moms can be weird, and there's really nothing you can do about it. It is her baby. How does your brother feel about it? Another thing that crossed my mind as I read this was that she might be experiencing some kind of PPD-ish paranoia and feels the need to keep her son with her so nobody else can harm him. Weird, maybe, but PP hormones are indeed wacky.

mrsbird1129 · November 2009

That stinks, but the other posters are right though, not much you can really do. I think all moms react differently to having a new baby, and some are much more sensitive and nervous about things like germs and visitors. Hopefully she loosens up soon.

MrsDB · November 2009

maybe she has PP OCD, it's a real thing like PPD. I think i might have had a touch of it. My hands were bloody from washing so much, as were DH's because i insisted on him doing it as well. We kept visitors away for 2 weeks except for my mom, and one visit with my dad. Then I was really cautious and didn't really let many people hold him. I didn't say no, but i didn't offer. This is my 2nd child and i wasn't nearly as uptight with my 1st. I'm still nervous, but not quite as ocd about it.

ladyjester · November 2009

Thanks ladies! I think you're right, I should definitely talk to my brother about it. I think I'm overly worried because they have had a very rocky on again/off again relationship through her whole pregnancy. She seems like the type to me that would try to keep my brother's son away from him if they were to fight again.

I hadn't considered PPD or PP OCD. That could very well be the case. I think I will just continue to try to be supportive of her and maintain contact as much as possible. I know how rough those first few weeks are.

Thanks for your help!

Tanner'sMommy · November 2009

I have personally dealt with PP anxiety/OCD...sounds like your family member may be dealing with it too. I would respect her wishes, but maybe talk to your brother about PP anxiety disorders on the side. It's a real thing that many, many women deal with and write off as being a "nervous" Mom. There's a fantastic article in the Dec. issue of "Cookie" magazine.

ilenegrace · November 2009

If I were you I would call my brother and ask HIM if I could come for a visit and see what he says.

Suzy12345 · November 2009

Ha. I'm so tired of my inlaws that restricting visits sounds like a really really good idea right now.

It doesn't sound like PPD or PP OCD to me. It just sounds like she wants her space and is using safety as an excuse.

lili_ana · November 2009

We are not allowing any visitors except for immediate family members. Our baby is a preemie and we are very worried about him being able to fight any illnesses/ infections. We are following the NICU's doctors and nurses advice on this. Yes, we are being overprotective but we prefer not to put our baby's health at risk since his immune system is not mature enough yet. That being said, you should understand your brother's GF point of view, let her know that you will be very careful (washing/sanitizing hands) and she should be fine.

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