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Toddlers: 12 - 24 Months
mnmplusthree
member
Need DH Advice/Help/Support-LONG
mnmplusthree
member
So I don't even know where to start. DH and I have been married for over 2 yrs and we have a 15 mo and we are 27 weeks pregnant as well. Since I met DH, he has had issues with feeling the need to keep his cell phone very private. For the most part, it doesn't bother me, until I feel that he is hiding something. I feel bad if I look at it because its his (well its his personally but I pay for it) He keeps his phone either on him or under his pillow (he swears its because he can't hear his alarm go off unless its near his head and he doesn't have a bedside table on his side of the bed)
Well he has an Iphone. He keeps it locked and I don't normally know the passcode to it. It really doesn't matter if I do or not. I saw him as he was typing it in the other day and this was around the same time I started to get weird vibes from him. I looked at it the other night and saw a few things that I REALLY didn't like. The first was when he said he was talking to his uncle, the number that he was talking to at the time was saved as Sheila. (no one in his family has that name) Secondly, a few weeks ago, he was supposed to be going to a going away party for his friend. It started at 9pm, we didn't have a sitter for DC, and I frankly didn't feel like going to a bar so I told him to go have fun and wish his friend goodbye and didn't think a thing about it. I found that he was texting a girl and asking her if she still wanted him to come over.
I don't know where to go from here. I love him, but I can't stay with him if he is cheating on me. I know he will fly off the handle if he knows I looked in his phone, but it still isn't right in any way that he would be talking to other people (and especially going to some girl's house) while I am at home taking care of DC and pregnant. How do I go about confronting him about it? It is making me sick to my stomach and I can't think of anything else. He seems to think that everything is ok, but I know in my heart and in my mind its not.
I asked him yesterday who he had been texting all day ( I think its the same number that was saved under Sheila) because I was looking at our online phone bill. He said it was his uncle. Really? that many texts to your uncle that you barely talk to? Iits all fishy to me. Please give me advice and please no flaming. I need help and I don't know who to go to. I don't want to go to my mom becasue if I am wrong, I don't want it to be held over his head and for the same reasons, I won't go to my friends that know him either. Thanks everyone!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Need DH Advice/Help/Support-LONG
(((hugs)))
I'm sorry - that sounds rough. I really don't have advice, but I think you need to bring up going to counseling.
Good luck to you.
Honestly, I'd say the same thing you've told us.
"Honey, you know I've never questioned you before, but I've just got this weird feeling and I want you to know about it. The other day, I saw that you were not, in fact, texting your uncle, but someone named Sheila. Would you care to explain."
Tell him that you know he's hiding something and that you KNOW he's not talking/texting his uncle. See what he says. If he lies and denies then you at least know he's hiding something. Check the phone records (many have them online now).
Sadly, it does sound like he's cheating, at least emotionally. Personally, I would make copies of all important documents, make sure I had access to all bank accounts and be ready to transfer half of the money into a private personal account the minute you get the info you need from him.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. First of all take your money & stuff so he can't empty out the bank accounts. I've seen that happen a lot.
Can you email the info from his phone to your email? That way you have proof before he deletes it. Then ask him if there is anything he'd like to tell you. When he says no, then i'd flat out ask him who the hell sheila is and why he wanted to head to some chick's house when he found out you weren't going out with him. Get out the bill & call the number he claims is his uncle right in front of him. I'm pretty confrontational though.
If he flies off the handle about you snooping, that's his problem. If he had nothing to hide, he wouldn't care what you saw on his phone.
I wish you luck.
I think it's very strange that your DH won't allow you to see his phone. My feeling is that he should have no problem showing you what's in his phone unless he has something to hide. You just need to talk to him. Tell him how your feeling and the reasons you feel that way and then ask to see his phone.
I'm sorry you are going through this
*67 the numbers
Have you tried reverse phone look-up on the white pages? They don't charge for their info. but it may not be all that informative if it's a private number.
And in the case of your DH, I have to agree with PP, if he had nothing to hide, then he wouldn't get mad that you look at his phone. He's obviously trying to hide something, whether it be another girl, or a bad habit, etc., because he is being way too private with his phone. I went through a relationship where I experienced the same thing - he ALWAYS had his phone on him and was super secretive with some of his calls. Needless to say, I'm sure he was cheating on me and I couldn't be with him after knowing all that. You deserve better and your child deserves better. I know it's all easier said than done, but really, what are you preserving by staying with him? It's only going to reinforce his idea that cheating on you is ok and that he can get away with it. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.
I'm sorry you have to deal with that. Before you confront him, I would get all my finances in order. Just in case he gets mad and tries to take a bunch of money out or cut off your bank cards or something. If you are planning on leaving if he is cheating, talk to a lawyer, or get one on retainer right away. Take whatever advice he gives you.
Make print outs of the cell phone records and call the numbers you do not know. Figure out which number is his uncle (try whitepages) and confront him with the records. Demand that he call his "uncle's" number in front of you on speaker phone.
I believe you know that he is cheating. He may not be sleeping with other women but he's lying, he's contacting other women, and hiding it from you. If it was me (and it was me at one point) this is what I would do and what I did step by step
1) Either text the numbers that you are suspicious about or trace them. I did both. First, I traced a number that I knew H was calling when he was not around me (like when he left the house to run to the gas station). I also saw in his phone that it was listed under a random girl's name so I did the reverse search. Intelius.com lets you trace 1 number for $4.99 and doesn't charge you unless they get information. You'll get name and address. If Sheila comes up, you know it's Sheila.
Then I sent a text to confirm how this person knew my H. I sent a message saying how do you know XYZ. This is his wife and I hope you understand my position but I need to know how you know my husband and exactly what your relationship is.
After I had my concrete info I asked H who is so and so and how do you know her. I caught him lying about how he knew her so I knew he had something to hide.
Either your H is going to come clean b/c he knows he's caught or he's going to keep lying b/c he knows he's caught and doesn't want to face the consequences.
If you H tells the truth about what you know has been going on you decide are you willing to try to move past this and try to work it out. If he doesn't get honest and keeps denying do you really want to try to move past this?
If you want to leave, get all the evidence you can. Copies of phone bills showing the numbers he called, copies of bank records maybe showing when he was out somewhere spending money that you're suspicious about. If he drinks or does drugs, any evidence to that effect. Set aside some money for yourself so he doesn't clean you out. Get you papers together - marriage cert, birth certs, car titles, SS cards, etc.
If you are going to leave, please please PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let someone know what's going on. You have no idea how someone can change if and when you decide to walk out on them. Let a family member friend know so that they can either be with you for safety or so that they can check on you. It is probably best to leave when he's not there if you can manage that just to avoid drama especially if your kids are around.
GL and if you need anything PM me. I know it's hard as hell and I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I can't imagine what you're going thru being PG w/ #2. A lot of us have dealt with similar though so know that you are not alone.
When you confront him is a personal decision. I'll be confronting my H on other issues but waiting until after the holidays. How long can you stand to be there with your H knowing what you know?
If you are afraid of him taking you DC, don't let him know ahead of time that you're leaving or give him the opportunity to take DC from you. Legally, unless there's some kind of court order he can take your DC even if you take him/her first. He can come get DC where ever you are, legally. That's why it's really important to let someone close to you know what's going on so they can help look out for you. One thing that was suggested to me when the time comes to leave, take your DC somewhere that your DH doesn't know. Like with a friend or relative at their home a distance away or have them staying in a hotel while you pack some things up. Have someone at the house with you while you pack up but you DC won't be there. Even if your DH comes while you're trying to pack up you have support and he can't take your DC and run. Then when you're done packing up either go get your DC if you don't think you H will follow you and try to make a scene or if you do think that's a potential have your friend or whoever has DC meet you at an agreed upon place (like the parking lot of the local police station) and get your DC then.
First, talk to a lawyer and get advice on how to get your stuff together so you can make a clean and lawful exit or force him to.
Once you've gotten your stuff figured out and made a game plan, call the number for this "Sheila" person just so you can hear her voice and get the ugly truth clear in your mind. This will probably cause a great deal of awful emotions and you might lose the ability to think clearly, which is why you need to plot out your exit strategy ahead of time.
The house in only in DH's name? This may not matter, but you are in the marital home. So unless you think he is going to be violent (which I can't tell from your "he flies off the handle" thing if you look at his phone), I would think and get advice before leaving your house. I think if the man is cheating, then he should leave.
Clearly, he is cheating. I would talk to your mom asap. Chances are, if DH has had this secretive streak from the get go, your mom already might think he is a little off. You need all the support you can get. If she holds it against him later, fine, he deserves it. I agree that you need people to know that you are going to confront him. If he still denies it, there probably really isn't any hope. If he comes clean, then maybe. (My opinion that if they don't feel guilty enough to tell you, they really don't care about you). I am so sorry you are going through this. It is just plain rotten. You do deserve better than a secretive cheating husband. I wouldn't wait until after Thanksgiving. GL
I agree. I read parts of your post to DH and he said not only is your DH cheating, he's being very obvious about it. Giant red flags. I'm so sorry.