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Attachment Parenting
MIL Struggle re: Gifts
I mostly lurk and learn over here but we have discovered that we are very AP with our little one. I feel like I really identify with many of you ladies and your ideas and struggles.
Now with that said- DH and I have an ongoing issue with my MIL that I would love some advice on.
We dont have toys at this point for DD. She is too young and I dont like all the "junk" that is out there for kids. I was a nanny and I have seen first hand how much of that is overstimulating and just makes clutter. We do play with DD using finger puppets, singing, interacting, and we have some educational and natural toys for when she gets older.
My MIL has been emailing us with lists of things that she has already bought DD for Christmas this year. Every email we nicely reply or call and let her know that Baby Einstein is not something that we want to use with Sadie. We have also told her that she is too young, that we want to keep gifts to a minimum, etc. It got so bad that I finally (very nicely) told her that we could use help with diapers or a college fund if she felt like she needed to spend money and give gifts to the baby.
She of course took that as DH and I not being able to afford things ourselves. On Saturday we received a package with all of the toys that she already bought as well as a year of our diaper service paid for and a note saying that there would be more "help for us" at Christmas!!!
So now I have a ton of stuff that we do not want that was expensive as well as a MIL who did not understand the entire concept of giving small gifts with lots of love attached!!!
Not sure what our next step is at this point. Anyone else run into the MIL who just does not get the "gift philosophy" in your household?
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Re: MIL Struggle re: Gifts
Ugh I understand where you're coming from. I'm not really sure what to expect this Christmas, but one thing I did do to try and gently steer the course is to make a "wish list" on Amazon for DS. They have lots of Plan Toys, HABA, Under The Nile, Organic clothes, etc. as well as diaper covers. Then I send a very sweet email to the Grandparents with a link to his "letter to Santa". So far everyone has been really receptive and glad to know what we need/want for him. And it was a lot of fun! You might find yourself with a longer list than you think
Oh and there is a button you can add to your toolbar to add items from any website- not just Amazon. I put DS's Inspired by Finn amber teething necklace on there too.
Good Luck!
My MIL buys cheap stuff and WAY too much of it. We've tried talking to her and she knows she has a shopping problem, but she can't be stopped. We've taken to encouraging her to buy clothes and books, and that cuts down on the number of toys somewhat. Actually, until now it was pretty easy, because I could just take half of the stuff she gave us and donate it to charity since DD had no idea what she was getting. Now that DD is "aware" and remembers her presents, I'm not sure how we're going to get rid of half the stuff MIL buys. I'm hoping that since she'll be buying for 2 kids instead of 1, DD will get less stuff and I can donate most of what she gives to DS.
But in the end, these are "presents". You don't get to dictate what people give you. You can guide people who want to be guided (my parents get too much, but at least they ask *before* buying and are open to buying wooden toys or looking at an amazon wishlist), but if your MIL refuses to listen to your requests there isn't anything you can do. It is her money and if she wants to spend it on things that you aren't going to use, there isn't anything you can do about it.
My MIL knows that DD would never keep anything in her hair as a baby and will rarely tolerate anything in her hair now, yet she has bought us an entire bin of hair clips, headbands and hair ties. She KNOWS that DD doesn't wear them, and yet she continues to waste her money on them. For every 5 things we get, I keep one in case DD actually wants to wear them someday and the rest go to charity. It's ridiculous. And don't even get me started on the number of dresses she bought for DD as an infant...
As much as her shopping insanity drives me bonkers, I'm trying to be happy about the fact that we've had to buy the kids very few toys. My mom does a good job of buying what we want and there is some stuff that MIL buys that I'm willing to keep. Also, we have a toy rotation. So it is pretty rare that all of the toys are out and accessible, to try to minimize overstimulation and to keep the toy bins "fresh".
Good luck!
I do the same thing that PP does, an amazon wishlist. We made it for DSs 1st b-day, so instead of having to explain our toy philosophy we could just direct people to his wishlist if they asked. If they didn't ask we didn't say anything. Although not many actually bought off the list people did seem to get the hint
However, my MIL is a bit of a trip as well. She bought a few nice plan stacker toys. She also went to TRU and bought a bunch bane of my existance toys, flashy, noisey and cheap plastic. Her reasoning is that those were for HER house for DS. Sigh. She watches him one day a week and over-stimulates-disciplines-feeds-tires him every time. But I digress.
Don't know what advice to give you because I haven't figured it out myself but that is nice that she helped with the diapers! MILs are tricky beasts.
It sucks that she thinks you can't afford it. I'd clarify that point, but beyond that, graciously accept the gifts. Buy some storage bins to keep in the garage and keep the toys in there, and then every week or two bring two out and put two away so that you don't have a ton of toys cluttering the house. If thats not an option, you can donate them to a local public day care that could use the help, or a toys of tots drive, or Good Will so that a family who is having to shop at a thirft store for Christmas can have brand new things for their kids. I'm sure it would be a big hit and greatly appreciated. She live far away so she'll never know.
Alternately, you could sell the toys on Ebay and put the money you get from them into a college fund for your LO, or if you know where she bought them and they're still in their packaging (or if she includes gift receipts), just take them back to the store and save the money for LOs future. Its not worth starting a war with your MIL over. She's just trying to help, and she doesn't understand your taste.
Thanks to everyone!
I hate sounding (and feeling) "ungrateful" since I know they are gifts and not an assault on DH and I. I just hate the waste and the attitude that goes with it!
I love the ideas of asking for books and also of rotating in and out toys as she gets older! I also will likely donate the Baby Einstein things to the shelters that I work with.
Sounds like I am not alone and everyone has some great ideas on how they are trying to handle the situation.
UGH! I can so relate! FIL (esp.) is just like that. Drives us crazy! He is staying us with us right now & was just telling me about this "laptop" computer he wants to get Norah. I didn't know what to say because I didn't want to come across as ungrateful (or the "b" that I'm sure he thinks I am) - but yet at the same time, I also don't want to be wasteful because it will go straight to Toys for Tots! (only problem, toy will be missing when he comes to visit again)
He already thinks we have too expensive of taste (because the natural toys are more expensive than the cheap plastic MIC stuff) and that I'm "picky."
(He thinks I'm crazy b/c I want to upcycle an old entertainment center to make a kitchen for DD - and wouldn't we just rather want a new plastic one for her that comes??!!)
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While I think it's fine to rotate toys, I think there is a balance that needs to be achieved. Also, be careful of coming off as superior... when you start criticizing the "attitude" that is behind buying lots of toys, it can sound wrong. Your MIL isn't thinking, "I want to play into capitalistic/consumerist ideals by buying baby toys that aren't needed". She is thinking, "I love my grandbaby and can't wait to see/hear how she played with this!"
Have you read The Five Love Languages? Some people express love by giving, and it could really hurt her feelings if she finds out her gifts were looked down on.
Just a thought
A few years ago, before LO, we would send our families a gift email in November asking them to tell us something they want, something they need, something to wear and something to read. Then we'd ask for sizes. It took a few years, but now it's customary for our family to exchange these types of lists and they've asked them for M. The family's pretty good about sticking to it so M's "wish list" this year was:
Want - wooden/cloth toys, wooden puzzles
Need - High Chair, Convertible Carseat, sippy cups, feeding supplies
Wear - Size 6-12 mo. cold weather clothing
Read - Board and Cloth books
I only put brand names with some of the need items, otherwise I leave it pretty open. Doing the 4 part list keeps the "fun" in gift giving/selection while also allowing our families to minimize unwanted/unneeded gifts. It did take a few years, but the lists have definitely made the gift giving in our families more fun as well as reducing that feeling of overwhelming clutter/crap. DH's brother is incredibly clutter-free and overly practical, so he helped a lot in using/enforcing the lists, while I find it less impersonal than on-line wishlists, so we all win ; )
I love this idea!
Me too! Stealing this for our families now...