Anyone ever feel numb?

Lissa832 · November 2009

After my first m/c, I went into a very deep depression for about 2 years. It was one of the worst times in my life. With this m/c, I told myself that I would not allow myself to go down that road again. I know that I can't necessarily control the way I feel, but I just can't do that again. I do has a child to take care of, and he is my world. I cannot allow myself to get so depressed again because of him.

With that said, I have my moments where I'm a mess. Certain things like my pp about being in a house for 2 weeks with an infant sent me into hysterics. DS is 3.5. He is probably the sweetest, most sensitive little boy that I have ever met. DS named the baby Polkadot. Why? I don't know. He said to me yesterday, "I'm sorry Polkadot isn't in your belly anymore. I know you're sad, but Polkadot will come back. I'm here Mommy, don't worry." We told him that Polkadot was sick and the doctor had to take Polkadot out of my belly. Polkadot is in Heaven now. He sweetly argued with me a little about Polkadot coming back to my belly, but finally said, "Oh. It's okay Mom. I'm here." He told me he was sad that Polkadot wouldn't be living with us because he was looking forward to "changing poopy diapers and feeding Polkadot." How can a little 3 year old boy be so amazing? That was another moment that tore me up.

However, I am numb most of the time. I don't cry like I did with my other m/c. "Polkadot" never leaves my thoughts. Sometimes I feel like I should cry, but I can't. I feel like I turned everything off when I told myself that I wouldn't allow myself to feel so depressed again. DS is getting me through this. Without him, I would be lost. I am terrified that this is worse than being depressed because I don't feel anything most of the time.

Can anyone relate?

schen0510 · November 2009

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. DH and I had this talk last night because I am going through some things at work regarding another co-worker losing her LO at almost 24 weeks. I told DH that I put on a fake smile, answer everyones questions, but that inside there is nothing. I am a fake version of myself...which I say quite often and I have yet to establish a new version of me.

I make it through most days and I am not trying to get my life back on track but it is tough. You made it through last time and now it seems like your amazing DS is going to get you through this time. He sounds adorable...you are very lucky to have him...let him help you get through this!

((hugs))

kymoma · November 2009

yeah, the fake version of myself definately comes out a lot. Our ds had his 2nd birthday a week after we induced, and I didn't want to ruin it, so we had 25 people over at my parents, and then another smaller family party the next day. It was miserable, but the only way I could get through it was to put on the fake smile and try to pretend everything was fine. I got so used to doing this, I fooled even my husband. I think the fake version has allowed me to grieve in private, but I too, feel like this is kind of worse than gushing out my feelings. I am kind of worried that I may be dragging on the grieving process by shoving everything down and not being able to cry very often.

Emmy722 · November 2009

I'm so new to this feeling of numbness but I'm definitly expriencing and its so hard to fake a smile. I went for an OB appointmet at 9weeks and there was no heartbeat and I just had my D&C on Friday. I feel numb and empty. My FH and I were watching movies all day yestrerday and we had on "Wedding Crashers", he saw that I wasn't laughing or even smiling at all. He said I looked like a zombie and thats how I feel. It's nice to know that I'm not alone.

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