If You've Lost Friends BC Of IF Come In

patchen30 · November 2009

I see posts a lot that many of you have lost friends due to IF. What do you mean by this - how did it happen? Was it BC you were avoiding people for certain reasons (ie they were pregnant, had kids, etc) or stopped confiding in them BC they couldn't understand, or BC you found it hard to be around people in general? For me, I haven't lost any friends so far, but all of the above effect me and I could see the potential for friendships dwindling. It is sad, we have enough to deal with and don't need to lose friends too but I don't really know what the solution is unless you are really good at compartmentalizing, or you get pg!

newsbaby · November 2009

Mine were pretty much for all 3 reasons you mentioned but mostly because I find it hard to be around people in general. I really have nothing to say about anything and nothing really matters to me. I don't want to hear people talk and/or complain about stupid things. (well at least things that are stupid to me since I am dealing with something huge)

I hope one day if I get pg they will understand after I tell them the truth. But if I never get pg and its the end of the road for us, I guess I will sadly, have to find new friends!

cjdub13 · November 2009

I wouldn't say I have lost any friends, but I do find it more difficult to say yes to events for many different reasons: I know there are going to be pregnant ladies there discussing their pregnancies, I want to avoid looks/questions, and sometimes I just feel like being alone with the DH. ?I love my friends and the ones who know of our IF have been supportive and they try their best to say comforting things, but sometimes it's not...

CharBart · November 2009

I've stopped talking to some of my close friends because they just don't get it...and it's hard for me to not tell them what is going on, so I guess I just try and avoid them...considering they are also in another state doesn't help matters. I find myself talking to my sister a lot...or the one friend that went through all the IF stuff and then finally adopted.

Scigrlnyc · November 2009

I had the other side of it. I confided in a friend about IF and she stopped talking to me! Well, we live far apart, so e-mailing. I still haven't heard a response. She is not TTC or even thinking about it, so I think she doesn't know what to say.

However, I guess I've been "lucky" in that my friends with babies, or who are pregnant have either been my biggest cheerleaders, or had struggles of their own and could relate.

IF does make you feel "socially awkward" I've learned.

OhBabyDear · November 2009

CharBart:
I've stopped talking to some of my close friends because they just don't get it...and it's hard for me to not tell them what is going on, so I guess I just try and avoid them...considering they are also in another state doesn't help matters. I find myself talking to my sister a lot...or the one friend that went through all the IF stuff and then finally adopted.

this!

EastCoastGirl* · November 2009

The friend I've lost over this was my own fault. We were very open with each other about how our TTC was going, and emailed everything about it. Then she got pregnant really quickly, and I felt really uncomfortable talking about how we were struggling while she was complaining nonstop about how fat she was, how sick she was, how she hated being pregnant, etc. Her attitude made me really sorry I ever talked to her about TTC in the first place, but I also felt horribly guilty because I was so jealous and had such a hard time feeling happy for her. So it was just easier for me to avoid her all together.

The relationship isn't completely broken, but the closeness we had for that little while is gone, and we're strained now. Her child is a toddler now; we're still here with nothing. I don't know what she thinks about why that is. Part of me wishes I could talk to her, but another part of me thinks she would never understand, and then I'd end up being sorry again.

SweetDahlia · November 2009

I lost my best friend. She just didn't get it. They don't plan to have kids soon, but she keeps comparing my not being able to have a baby to her not wanting them in refrence to having to deal with family who keeps asking where our kids are. I have been through so many bad times with her and she just couldn't be there with me. We didn't talk for a year, but just started again. I think in genral people just don't get it. I also agree that sometimes it's hard to be with pregnant ladies or kids, but I still try to be social.

Yellow_Daisy · November 2009

I lost one of my best friends because of IF. I supported her so much through her 2nd pregnancy (their 2nd since we started ttc). I stuck by her when she lied to her doctor about how long they had been ttc so that he would send her to a fertility clinic. I stuck by her every time she bad mouthed our clinic (the only hope DH and I have of having children) because they told her to go home and ttc because there was nothing wrong with her, she conveniently got pg that month with no assistance. I stuck by her when she told me she would have to "settle" for 1 kid because it had been 4 mos and she wasn't pg. I stuck by her when she told me and everyone we know that she was infertile and knew exactly what DH and I were going through. I threw her shower, shopped with her, etc. When the baby was born I couldn't deal and told her I just needed some time before I could be around the baby. That while I was thrilled for them it broke my heart to see and hold her beautiful baby and not be able to have my own. She promptly stopped talking to me and has not uttered a word to me in 4 mos. I have tried apologizing if my sadness in any way hurt her feelings. DH and both tried to explain to her what we were going through (by email because she refused to speak with me) and she ignored all our attempts.

At this point I am done. I did everything I could and stood by her through things that tore me apart because she was my friend. But when I needed her to be there for me and not have everything be about her she turned her back on me. To me that is not a friend and I realize now how bad she made me feel about myself to make herself feel better. Am I sad to have lost her as a friend? Of course we were friends for 10 yrs, but I think I am better off without her in my life.

IF has just highlighted things in my friendships that are both toxic and touching. It has shown me who my friends are and who my friends aren't.

mrskenny2be · November 2009

Yellow_Daisy:

IF has just highlighted things in my friendships that are both toxic and touching. It has shown me who my friends are and who my friends aren't.

This...exactly! I have lost friend and relationships with family member have struggled. But, I have also gained/strengthen friendships with several dear friends who have cried along with me, supported me, encouraged me, and put up with me in my really dark days when I really didn't even like myself.

patchen30 · November 2009

All your stories break my heart. This just sucks. (((hugs)))

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