MIL story, am I overreacting? (long)

Noisemaker · November 2009

OK, brief background, my in-laws live 5-6 hours away by car. My daughter is 2.5 yrs old, and their only grandchild. We have probably seen them 5-6 times total since she was born, with us traveling to them, and them traveling to us. I don't particularly enjoy spending time with them, but it's important to me that my DD get time with her grandparents--she's incredibly shy, and every visit there is a very long warm up period before she'll even talk to them, let alone touch them.

So I try to facilitate visits. For example, in June I told my husband to talk to his mom about us planning a weekend visit to see them in the next few weeks. We hadn't seen them in a few months. Her response was no, that's no good for us, come in September or October. Then in early October, we got an email from her that said "We are free the weekends of Oct. 24 or Oct. 31, let me know which one you will be here for." Not wanting to be gone on Halloween, we rearranged some things and went down on the 24th. Fine.

Getting to my current question, MIL just emailed DH today and said "We'll be in town this weekend visiting [a 3 month old cousin], and would like to have dinner on Sat. night at a Thai place."

DH knew I would be annoyed, but was not expecting me to be quite so vocal. When he told me about the email, I basically told him that I think his mom is a selfish ***, and it's really unfair that everything always has to be on her schedule, at her convenience (even when we do see them, she refuses to take into account naptimes, or bedtimes, scheduling dinner with a 2 yr old at 8pm at 4 star restaurants, even after we've voiced concerns). Of course we can do dinner, and of course I want DD to see them, but I'm pissed! And I'm tired of being at her beck and call. Ugh.

So--after that long mess, what do you think, did I overreact, or was I justified in my response?

WifeyLindsay · November 2009

Everyone has their breaking point, and God knows my MIL drives me bat_shit_crazy... but, getting upset isn't going to help the situation much. Your DH needs to explain to your MIL what times/restaurants, etc. would be best for you guys. You just have to lay it all out for her. And if she doesn't want to work with you, then stand your ground and don't go. Eventually she'll have to respect your boundaries if she wants to see your DD. It's hard but once it's all out there, things will start to fall into place. It's just an adjustment phase. GL!

scott&kim · November 2009

If you want to go to dinner then find a sitter and go but I wouldn't book a dinner reservation at 8pm with my toddler in tow. No fun for anyone.

I would have declined the invite for both the October dates and told them I needed more notice and that obviously we don't want to be away from home for the Halloween holiday. Put your foot down now or she will be walking all over you.

Qmommy · November 2009

I think you over reacted but... I think your DH knows you weren't yelling at him. It's okay to vent to your DH!

With that said: You have every right to be upset with your MIL. The only overreaction bit was when you called her a name and yelled at your DH about it. Not that you were upset. Anyone would be upset.

LaurelBee · November 2009

I think you're justified and even nicer than I would be... I'd boycott dinner and tell her she can come over before dinner to visit if she wants to see the fam otherwise she's sol. Or send DH on his own if he feels strongly about going and use the excuse that you don't have a sitter.

And when is she planning on seeing her grandbaby??

AutumnGirl07 · November 2009

I think you have every right to be frustrated. I have similar issues with BIL and SIL. But, for the sake of family and feelings, I would say you were a little too vocal.

Example: My mom is crazy. I can say it all I want and I know it is the truth, but when DH points it out, it still hurts my feelings. She's my mom!

You have a right to tell DH that you are frustrated, but make sure you look at the big picture: They are DH's parents whom he loves, they are family and will FOREVER be family (like it or not), and it doesn't seem to invconvenience you all that often (5-6 times in the lasat 2.5 years, you said?). For the sake of your DH and your daughter, I'd suck it up and deal.

preppynewlywed · November 2009

Listen I have the craziest MIL you will ever meet.

However, I don't understand how her wanting to have dinner while she is in town is a big deal. I actually think it is nice of her to call and try to arrange something.

I would just ask her if you can move dinner up an hour or two. No big deal. Or invite them all to your house for dinner, since it is your family that can't make the scheduled time.

future_mrs.lambdin · November 2009

I would tell her either they need to go to dinner on your schedule or not at all. I would be irritated that she was trying to dictate the schedule but at least she didn't say "we'll be in town and oh, by the way, we're staying with you." That would really send me over the edge.

Noisemaker · November 2009

Thanks ladies--I figured my reaction to DH was a little much, which is why I posted I suppose. I needed a dose of reality. :-)

Also, in reading the responses, I think I figured out that the thing that bothers me most isn't her selfishness with the schedule, it's that she doesn't really seem to care about making time to see DD. I'd like to think that when I have grandkids, I'll jump at the chance to see them, and not say no to a potential visit for 3-4 months, make it difficult, only on my terms, etc. I just want them to want to see DD more, I guess.

Thanks again for reading my mini novel, and the responses.

jenick · November 2009

In my opinion, being a grandparent isn't a right, it's a privilege. You don't owe her anything, and you need to do what is best for your daughter. She clearly is not looking out for her best interest.

Want a personalized experience?

MIL story, am I overreacting? (long)

Re: MIL story, am I overreacting? (long)

Choose Another Board

Search Boards