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Miscarriage/Pregnancy Loss
Lissa832
member
Dealing with unsupportive family. . .vent (LONG)
Lissa832
member
I haven't posted my story on here, so here it goes. In April 2005, I became pregnant. DH and I were over the moon. When I had my first u/s at 10w1d, we discovered the it was a missed m/c. I was given Cytotec to induce the m/c as well. I was devastated. I spent the next 2 years deeply depressed. During that time, everyone around me were at a loss for words. They didn't know what to do for me, and they didn't realize the depth of the pain a m/c could cause.
I became pregnant immediately after my m/c. I was a nervous wreck thru my entire pregnancy. Luckily, I delivered a beautiful, healthy little boy. He is now 3.5 years old.
Between February 2007 through March 2009, DH was gone for about 2/3 of that time. He's in the military and we went through 2 deployments and a training separation. We always wanted to have children about 2 years apart, but we were not able to because of the timing. Also, I was unsure if I really wanted more children. One day during this last deployment, it just clicked. I knew that I was meant to have one more child. DH agreed. When he came home in March, we started trying right away.
I found out I was pregnant the day after DS's third birthday, and three weeks after DH came home. I thought it was amazing, and almost circular. I became pregnant on the exact same day that I did with my first pregnancy. I thought this was somehow life coming full circle. I thought for sure that everything would be fine because there is no way that I would lose this baby too. I was wrong. I m/c a couple weeks after I found out I was pregnant. I was upset, but I was happy it was a natural m/c instead of another missed m/c.
In July, I found out I was pregnant again, only to m/c about a week or so after getting a BFP. I wanted to get a referral for testing, but I was told that I was too young (I'm 26) and I had a healthy pregnancy. There was nothing wrong with me. I was not happy, but I accepted it. I told DH that if it happened again, I would pitch a fit until they did what I wanted.
I found out I was pregnant again at the beginning of October. I was very excited. I was sure this was the one that would stick. At 6 weeks, DS jumped on my stomach, and logically, I know that he couldn't do damage. However, I started cramping immediately and spotting later that night. I broke down. I was broken. I called the nurse hotline, and they told me to stick it out. If I had terrible cramps or bleeding, I should go to the ER. Otherwise, I needed to wait until my u/s on October 30. The spotting lasted a couple days, and then it went away. I thought I panicked for nothing and things were back on track.
On October 30, we had the u/s. I knew right away it wasn't good. The baby only measure 5w5d, which was about 3 weeks behind. The OB said that maybe my dates were wrong. I told him that wasn't possible because of when I got the BFP. He told me to come back in a week and they would do a repeat scan. On November 6, the u/s showed what I already knew it would. I had a d&c that afternoon, and I am very happy that I did. My recovery has been amazing compared to my other three m/c. The OB has also agreed that it is time to start testing DH and I. He doesn't think they will find anything, but it is worth a try. No matter what the results, I will be seeking a referral to an RE very soon.
Here's the dilemma now. My family has never been very comfortable talking to me about this. They are supportive for all of two days, and then they expect me to put on a brave face. We live 1000 miles away, so that helps, but my mom calls me everyday. She makes me so mad because she doesn't even seem to care about what I'm going through. If I try to talk about it, she changed the subject. It stressed me out to no end because I feel so alone. I don't particularly get along with my brother's wife because for lack of a better word, she's a wh0re. She had a long term affair and blamed everyone except herself. She chose her b/f over her children, and I find that disgusting.
Well, my brother and SIL just had a baby. A fourth baby that they cannot afford actually. My brother and SIL are supposed to come in town for Christmas as well. They usually stay with my mom, though my SIL has other family in the area that they could stay with. We only get home once a year, so we always stay with my parents because we don't have anyone in the area that we can stay with.
I called my mom to tell her that if they are staying there, I can't. It is not because I dislike my SIL. I can be civil because well, I'm an adult. I can also stand to be around the baby for small amounts of time, but I don't want to stay two weeks in the same house as said baby. I can't handle that right now. I'm not trying to be a baby myself, but I am so stressed out right now, I just can't do it. I don't expect anyone else to change their plans because of me, so I told her we would come after Christmas if they were for sure coming and staying with her. When I told her, I burst into tears. She didn't seem to care at all. She actually had this snotty attitude about it.
My mom acted like I was being unreasonable. She acted like I should just suck it up and deal with it. When I thought of having to spend two weeks in a house with a small baby, I started to have a panic attack. I need to think about what's best for myself, not my family. We will still come for a visit, but not at the same time.
I don't think I'm being unreasonable, and neither does DH. I I am being unreasonable, however, I would want to know. Any ideas?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Dealing with unsupportive family. . .vent (LONG)
First of all... I am so sorry for your losses. It sounds like you have really been through it.
We have basically lost all connections and ties w/ MIL after we lost our daughter. I have found that this experience has really shown us who our loved ones are. Who steps up and stands by your side during the time of need. As far as I am concerned -all other can get lost.
I hope you find some healing and support on this board... it has been cruical for me.
(((hugs)))
I am sorry that you have to go through this. I have avoided situations lately where I knew that someone would be pregnant. I just did not want to put myself in that situtation yet, if I could avoid it.
If I was in your situation, I would probably do the same thing. I would ask to visit at a later time, especially since you are planning to stay for two weeks. I think it is hard for others to understand what we are going through. Some people think we should be okay in a few days; but it takes time to emotionally heal.
Again, I am sorry you have to go through this. (Hugs)
GEAUX TIGERS!!!
1st pregnancy: BFP- 6/28/09 - Found out we lost our little girl on 10/9/09 at 19w 4d - D&E- 10/14/09
June 2010, corrective surgery for Septate Uterus and large fibroids
2nd pregnancy: BFP- 10/18/10 - Slow rising, non-doubling HCGs, no heart beat. Non-viable pregnancy, D&C- 11/12/10
Started Metformin 6/30/11, Started Clomid 7/20/11 - Unsuccessful
HSG and Laparoscopic surgery revealed blocked tubes and lots of scar tissue...IVF here we come!!!
Surprise BFP naturally!!! IT'S A BOY!!!
They could stay elsewhere if they wanted to, but they chose to stay where they can get the most out of it. They know if they stay with my mom, she will take care of their kids. It is harder being around them, period. They have been on welfare with all of these kids. They just keep having them. They are unfit parents (I've called DCFS on them myself), and it makes me so angry that they can have as many babies as they want, but I can't. I try not to be jealous, but they have no business having more kids. DH and I can afford to have more, and it obviously isn't going well. That coupled with them having a young baby is just stressing me out. I just can't do it for my own sanity.
I am so sorry for your losses.
I understand exactly what you mean by unsupportive family. When we got our bfp, my husband wanted me to tell my mother. I didn't, but I let him push me into it. After I told her, she didn't seem so thrilled, but we brushed it off as her being surprised, as she didn't even know we were trying. When the news came that we had a missed miscarriage, and had to get a d/c, I made my husband break the news to her, as I knew what her reaction would be. A week later I finally spoke with her. Her reaction was just what I thought. She told me that I was lucky that I at least knew that I was pregnant, that I should not try to get pregnant again as soon as the doctor gave the okay because it is "bad for me", and got mad at me that I refused to tell my brother and his baby's mama what happened. I have not spoken to her since, and I hold a lot of resentment towards her because of her comments. Thankfully, she lives on the other side of the US from me, and I did not have plans to see her for the holidays.
Good luck with your family. I know it doesn't always feel like it, but they do love you. Even when they say insensitive things.
No one in my family will really talk to me about it either. DH and I have decided we are going away on a trip over Christmas this year. My sister's third baby is due right around Christmas and despite her desire, I don't really care to be around in the hospital when that child is born. Thankfully the rest of my family is supportive of our desire to just get away for a while-even if they won't talk to me about my baby.
You are not being unreasonable or selfish or anything else. Your life is not normal right now and you should not be expected to carry on as if it is. Take care of yourself and your DH and your DS and everyone else be damned.
And I am so very sorry for your losses. {{hugs}}
With my pregnancy this April, she laughed. She assumed that it was an accident because DH had just returned from a deployment. My dad's reaction was "She's only doing this because of her brothers." Actually, that's been my dad's stance since my first pregnancy because apparently it is unnatural to want to have children. Um, DS had just turned three years old. What is wrong with wanting another baby? When I told my mom of the last two pregnancies, she said, "Oh" and then continued to talk about herself. My dad still had the same reaction as before. One thing that I have learned about my mom is that if it isn't about her, she doesn't care to hear about it. She is very self-centered, so I don't know why I am so surprised by her reaction. She always tells me that she wants to have a best friends type relationship with me like she had with her mom, but that is not what I want. She's not a very good friend like my grandma was, and I have no desire to be in that type of relationship with her. I just need to lower my expectations of my family because they always let me down in situations like this one.
I'm very sorry for your losses and that your family is not understanding of what you're going through. I agree with the previous posts that you are not being unreasonable. Only you know what you are ready to deal with and your family may not get it, but they should respect it.
I think your idea of writing an email to your Mom is a great idea. It will allow you to get out everything your feeling and hopefully get through to her that you would like her support and understanding. At a minimum, hopefully, it will help you to express your feelings.
I have always believed that if you are not getting what you need from the people who should support you the most, your family, then you should seek it elsewhere. If you have other friends and family (extended) that can fill those roles, then spend time in those relationships. Maybe you have a mother or sister-figure in your life that can fill that need.
I hope your family comes around and that you get the support you need. If not, then I hope you find it elsewhere in your life. We all need someone to help us and you certainly deserve that and then some with what you've been through.
Missed m/c 11.09 | Missed m/c 3.10 | We miss you & love you so.
~ ~ ~
Formerly toddandjulie
I just ache for you.
I am so sorry for all of your losses, and so sorry that your family is not supporting you.
If I were you, I would say to myself, what do I need to do to make this a happy Christmas for MY family (DH, DS, and you)? Right now, those are the people that matter. Do not let your mom's actions ruin the sweet gift of having Christmas with your DS.